My MiL has flounced out of Christmas

[ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas]

Sorry to mention the Christmas word, but…

I’m kind of annoyed, but I also think it’s funny.

Every blinking year, I have to invited my PIL and extended in-law family for Christmas, and then at least another dinner. MIL is someone who wants everyone together. This usually ends up with me doing a lot of work as they stay over!

There have been a few years I’ve got out of it. Once we went skiing with my DC at Christmas and we got hell over it. So we’ve not done it since.

Over the past few years my DH has been all, “it’s family. It’s just a few days. Christmas is about family”. That’s my MIL talking, not him. He’s been very sentimental over it, and I’ve felt emotionally blackmailed. Basically they all have a lovely time, and my Christmas is shite.

So, a few weeks ago my MIL announced she and FIL aren’t spending Christmas with any of their adult DC or DGC and are going on holiday for 2.5 weeks. It’s basically from a week before Christmas till double digits in Jan.

She’s flounced because she’s in a huff that no one is paying them enough attention, including them etc. She basically has to be the centre of attention, or you are punished. It’s a spiteful move. Her DC will be upset that they aren’t seeing them at Christmas at all. They’ve all got FOG.

On one hand I think it’s hilarious. I even played happy songs and sang along in my car I was so tickled. On the other I’m kind of pissed that I’ve had to suck up crappy Christmas for “family”, forgoing what I want to do (go somewhere Caribbean 😝)

DH mentioned about extended in-law family and Christmas but that’s a big fat NO from me, and I mean it.

I looked at my work schedule for before and after they leave. In Jan I’ll be well back to work and hibernating.

AIBU to go online and book up my early Dec with gorgeous Christmas things to do for us and DC so MIL can not only have her flouncy Christmas holiday, she can whistle for the rest of Dec too?

Do exactly what you want. Balls to them! Chin chin 🥂

See this OP.... I'd want to see copies of the non-refundable booking, notarised in triplicate...

Has Dh seriously said he wants to invite extended in laws instead?! Has he really got no clue??

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas unless you are somewhere warm, on holiday! Do what makes you happy, it is the season of joy and goodwill!

You all need to let the “hell” she elicits wash over you so it stops having any effect. Think of her as a giant, silly baby.

Is it too early to book your 2025 Christmas holiday? Get that sorted ASAP.

@ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas from one who has hosted christmas day for 14 people for the last 40 years and just 8 for the last 3 years you are definitely not being unreasonable!! I would actually relish a christmas day of seeing no one but hubby and just eating beans on toast instead of the whole 10 course kaboodle which accompanies christmas!!! a couple of weeks to clean the house, and purchase all presents and buy all the food, a few hours to cook it, it is eaten in about 30-45 minutes but takes days to clear up and dishwasher is on at least 5 times, then putting all china back and all the cutlery! all single handed! absolutely exhausted doing it all every year! we even used to have father christmas pay a visit for the kids so that was even more presents to buy!

Sounds like the best present she could have (inadvertently) given you... I hope you have a wonderful time without her and her malign influence.

And I agree with others that if your DH is insisting on future events then he should be the doer and facilitator... You and your DC deserve to have Christmases of your choosing too, not dancing around spinning every conceivable wobbly plate, lest MIL be incandescent should one fall...

If you haven't already come across it, you may find the Stately Homes threads on MN helpful (latest here: August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet) - in case such things and additional fortitude/solidarity become necessary in the future. Much wisdom, advice, kindness and understanding is there (and mercifully no "I would NEVER treat my mother like that", "You only get one mum!", "You're heartless to a misunderstood old lady!" type posts. Those people don't know what it's like to deal with these individuals, who enjoy the drama and havoc they wreak and actively suck joy like leeches on a vein from the "family" they pretend to love).

Best wishes to you. Merry Christmas! 🎄

Yay! Do it OP!
I'm also fed up with family members permanently on the take and having the most ridiculous high expectations of what they expect everyone else to do and how others should behave towards them. These people usually do bugger all to organise things and host themselves too!

Sod her and have the best Christmas OP!

Why do so many family members put upon others and want to make them miserable at Christmas time?
It goes against what it should be about.
Could you books nice restaurant just for you, DH and DC? Then if MIL cancels nearer the time…
Oh I’m so sorry Norma, we’ve already booked into The Exclusive Can’t Get A Booking Now Venue. What a shame.
She must be horrible company as well.
Start getting in the mood now. I know the Christmas Movie channel is up on ITVx - normally stuff like they makes me heave but this year if I were you I’d go all-in.
And definitely book a foreign trip next year!

We stopped doing Christmas with MIL in 2019 - We now go away every year! Fed up with the "my way or the highway approach"... Every Christmas she spits her dummy out, ignores DH, buys us useless presents whilst showcasing BIL pile of neatly wrapped gifts and then the drama around a day before we leave (illness, freezer breaking down etc). Hubby used to have FOG but not now.. We have made it clear - she made her bed and now she can lie it in it. We have been punished ever since and are very close to NC due to her ridiculous behaviour.

Use this year as benchmark to break the cycle.

You've given into bullying. I'm sure you've taught your kids not to do that. Model it...

I don’t get why when you go on holiday at Xmas it’s a holiday and when she does it’s a ‘flounce’ to be honest. Obviously book whatever you like in December, I am also booking Xmas events now, but deliberately trying to make your family unit too busy to see her in December (when you suspect both she and your DH would like to do something) would make you the spiteful one. I think it’s totally reasonable for your DH to want to see his mum over the Xmas period and vice versa. Obviously that should not mean masses of work for you so maybe in future limit the length of her visit and get your DH to do the cooking etc so that it doesn’t fill you with rage.

Get your diary out and get December maxed out with things you want to do which don’t include extended family - just you, DH & DC. When you’ve done that research holidays for Christmas 2025 - I can thoroughly recommend being away somewhere warm , DH & I did it for years to avoid the inevitable family events and arguing over who’s family it was this year !! - If the in laws moan just point out your are following their excellent example and the new family tradition they have started ! Enjoy !

You just got your best Christmas present a wee bit early this year @ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas 🎁🎉🍾

Every blinking year, I have to invited my PIL and extended in-law family for Christmas, and then at least another dinner. MIL is someone who wants everyone together. This usually ends up with me doing a lot of work as they stay over!

Why have you done this?!

There have been a few years I’ve got out of it. Once we went skiing with my DC at Christmas and we got hell over it. So we’ve not done it since.

Why on earth would you let her hold you hostage?

Over the past few years my DH has been all, “it’s family. It’s just a few days. Christmas is about family”. That’s my MIL talking, not him. He’s been very sentimental over it, and I’ve felt emotionally blackmailed. Basically they all have a lovely time, and my Christmas is shite.

If DH loves it so much let DH do it all! What are you playing at?!

I have a few questions OP.....

1. Why is it always you hosting? Do you have the biggest house?
2. How much effort does your DH put in to helping host HIS family?
3. Do you ever get to see your own family at Christmas?

I too would be booking to go away next year, following MIL lead. If it comes round again that you all have to be together for Christmas (or any other event), then tell DH that someone else can take a turn at hosting, otherwise he'll be doing everything if it's at your house. I bet he'll soon change his tune.

Ah, the waifs and strays MIL normally invites to yours? If he’s desperate I would let him stay at home and host, while me and the DC had a lovely holiday somewhere else.

I'm intending to avoid the whole thing and go away at the beginning of December and back in March 😂

I'm intending to avoid the whole thing and go away at the beginning of December and back in March 😂

Make your own Christmas plans somewhere complicated and inaccessible in case she "suddenly" changes her mind closer to the day (well we were thinking of going away but our children were so devastated so we decided to cancel)

it possible this out of character plan is just a manipulative attempt going to cement why no one can ever go away at Christmas. Change the narrative and double down making it look like you thought it was genuine (what a fantastic idea to go away at Christmas, we'll be doing the same from now on!)

Unfortunately, she will re-flounce leaving a short confusing period, which will mean that after Christmas she can moan about not being invited.

1. House size sort of irrelevant, but we are the only ones with DC, and when my DC were smaller, I refused to drag them away from our house where Christmas is fun. To be honest my in-laws are a bunch of Christmas humbugs, but expect it to be a massive family affair. I ended up hosting most of the Christmases as they all want to see the DC.
2. He does a bit of cooking and refills glasses. Apart from this, nothing.
3. I have 4 siblings and we take it in turn to host them, and they live miles away. My family love Christmas, but there is no pressure to present a happy family front.

TBH it’s been a very long battle to contain their expectations of us at Christmas, with hosting, and presents they expect us to buy middle age siblings and their partners.

Stop this now, OP. Wasteful, emotional blackmail nonsense.

Result!