My MiL has flounced out of Christmas

[ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas]

Sorry to mention the Christmas word, but…

I’m kind of annoyed, but I also think it’s funny.

Every blinking year, I have to invited my PIL and extended in-law family for Christmas, and then at least another dinner. MIL is someone who wants everyone together. This usually ends up with me doing a lot of work as they stay over!

There have been a few years I’ve got out of it. Once we went skiing with my DC at Christmas and we got hell over it. So we’ve not done it since.

Over the past few years my DH has been all, “it’s family. It’s just a few days. Christmas is about family”. That’s my MIL talking, not him. He’s been very sentimental over it, and I’ve felt emotionally blackmailed. Basically they all have a lovely time, and my Christmas is shite.

So, a few weeks ago my MIL announced she and FIL aren’t spending Christmas with any of their adult DC or DGC and are going on holiday for 2.5 weeks. It’s basically from a week before Christmas till double digits in Jan.

She’s flounced because she’s in a huff that no one is paying them enough attention, including them etc. She basically has to be the centre of attention, or you are punished. It’s a spiteful move. Her DC will be upset that they aren’t seeing them at Christmas at all. They’ve all got FOG.

On one hand I think it’s hilarious. I even played happy songs and sang along in my car I was so tickled. On the other I’m kind of pissed that I’ve had to suck up crappy Christmas for “family”, forgoing what I want to do (go somewhere Caribbean 😝)

DH mentioned about extended in-law family and Christmas but that’s a big fat NO from me, and I mean it.

I looked at my work schedule for before and after they leave. In Jan I’ll be well back to work and hibernating.

AIBU to go online and book up my early Dec with gorgeous Christmas things to do for us and DC so MIL can not only have her flouncy Christmas holiday, she can whistle for the rest of Dec too?

Do it.

Then tell your husband that going forward, if he wants to host the big family Christmas then he can do all of the sodden work in future.

If you don't go away next year, you need to find a reason to take to your bed for a few hours before food is served. Menstrual cramps, headache, that sort of thing. Let DH feel the full fun of catering for the 5000. Congratulate him. Tell him you're so pleased and as he did far better than you that from now on he can do the cooking and you'll stick to the drinks so as not to disappoint the guests.

He'll never host again.

You’d have to know her to get it. My MIL definitely has some very horrible personality traits. They are all terrified of her. She gets her way 99% of the time, and if she doesn’t she’ll punish you. If she said the sky was pink, they’d all agree and you’d get the silent treatment/ your birthday ignored/ bad mouthed to extended family/ cut off for 3 months. Sometimes her DC go against her, and she doesn’t speak to them for months, only finally accepting their grovelling apologies much later.

Think Hyacinth Bucket, but with a very nasty, controlling streak.

Whilst I’m sucked into it at Christmas, I assure you I’m not a walk on part in this drama the rest of it. I learned a while ago from the many MN threads that it’s not my monkey, not my circus, drop the rope and to offer a fait accompli. Thanks ;)

She’s very forceful, insistant about Christmas (arranging it in Sept) and my DH is of the opinion that they are older and not going to be here forever and it’s mean not to spend Christmas with your family. I don’t agree, but sucked it up. She gets very jealous when we host mine once in a blue moon. If I said we just wanted us, DH and DC and I, she would get very upset and there would be phone calls off FIL and siblings saying how upset she was.

She has been off with us, or me I think, for months. Both my PIL are in good health, but she thinks she should be treated like a Queen at her age, and be the first to know and see anything, and be consulted with on very small things. She thinks we should be stressing over her ailments, of which there are many, but none that are serious. If she doesn’t get this off her DC and their families, she creates drama.

I’m pretty sure my MIL’s trip is to spite her DC and their families. And, it’s worked. My DH is cross. I just spoke to him and he stepped out of his chilled box and said, great I don’t want them here, we are doing what we want in future. It got a reaction out of him. I’m pretty sure his siblings feel lost, having had their Christmas autonomy taken away, and now not knowing which end of the turkey to stuff.

Another idea I’m toying with is inviting some of DH’s more fun family members and having a riotous party, then sending PIL pictures of the “best Christmas ever”.

@ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas - you still have time to book up somewhere in the sun over Christmas?

And I would book that now and make sure everybody knows those plans well in advance.

YANBU to book things for your DC, would you not see your DH family for even one day? May not be practical and well, you don’t want to so I suppose it’s a moot point.

Another idea I’m toying with is inviting some of DH’s more fun family members and having a riotous party, then sending PIL pictures of the “best Christmas ever”.

You seem determined to make work for yourself.

You could have Christmas with your own family who actually reciprocate instead of inviting DH’s family, as you will be expected to invite his siblings as well.

This sounds like a win.

If she does end up coming your DH needs to up his game though.

You could even not invite them next year now they've set a precedent? Might be best to go away yourself next year so that they can set a precedent up with somebody else!

Congratulations you lucky cow lady. I hope a mince pie repeats on you goes down nicely. 🤣 Seriously, raise a drink for all of us not so lucky.

YANBU

Haven’t read all the replies. But
maybe she didn’t flounce, maybe they’ve felt awkward over the years you’ve been hosting, just maybe, without realising, they’ve felt “in the way”. Perhaps they’ve been longing for years to get away at Christmas and not come to you. You may think you’re a wonderful hostess but you may just have been sending the wrong vibes. They’re now getting to do what they want at Christmas, and you can too. Why worry it’s a win win

What is FOG?

I wish my family would flounce off .I bloody hate the rigmarole of Christmas. I have always spent Christmas day non stop cooking /entertaining. Also having people staying over means extra cleaning washing etc. I'm sick of it. I would truly either book a holiday or sit in the house on my own reading a book drinking wine and eating a ready meal.

Congratulations! You have been gifted a peaceful Christmas on your terms!

It's liberating !

My mil threatened that for years but never actually did it. We invited them every year but as we'd refused to go to theirs (young dc & wanted them at home) she took the hump & refused to ever cross our door at Christmas as she just wanted all her family round her table

She's so stubborn that even a broken gas pipe on Christmas Eve meant she'd no heat & oven & she still refused to come for dinner stayed home in the cold with a Chinese - her spite kept her warm

NC for several years now but still makes me laugh

Another one wondering what 'FOG' means?

But also, why are you doing so much for your husband's family?

You don't mention is input much?

It sounds like it's mostly all down to you?

FOG:

Fear - Obligation - Guilt

It means Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Most adult children of abusive/narcissistic parents are trained from a very young age to feel those emotions when they are not pleasing the parent. And that training is so strong that it overrides all rational thoughts and behaviour.

I'm sure others can provide links to useful resources but I found Susan Forward's books invaluable.

You do realise @ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas that this is BS dont you? Queen Bee going away at the one time of the year where she has trained her pets children to dance to her tune?

NEVER going to happen. She is just doing it for attention. Unless you book something away, you WILL be hosting her, without a doubt.

Just go with it and use this as an opportunity to break the cycle and do what you want from here on in.

My MIL did the same a few years ago to ago and it meant we could change things up and now spend Christmas as we please as a family instead of hosting and catering for everyone else's needs.

You could even say 'I'm glad you've booked a holiday, we love doing that and are planning the same for next Christmas 2025'.

We live in such a sexist society, and so much internalised misogyny going on here. The op should have been
'AIBU to be so fed up with my useless husband who expects me to do all the hosting for HIS family, including his mother who's frankly a bit of a pain, amd whinges 'but it's Christmas' if I don't.'
But no, of course not, the menz can do no wrong, just so chilled bless them.

Thank God someone else can see it.

As usual, it's all about the women while the men appear to do very little or bugger all.

I wish my PiL had ever flounced of. Count your blessings and do go on a winter-holiday with your own family!

You sound quite nasty actually. Your DH wanted a family Christmas, your MIL is away now and you’re still gloating. Grow up.

All we need is a "I wish my MIL could come to ours for Christmas but she DIED" for a full Bingo card now. Please take this as my contribution, with a pinch of salt on the side. I may not have been the world's best mother but I can't imagine going to such lengths to alienate my children, then terrify them so they don't even dare to keep their distance. It's not love, is it?

Have a great Christmas however you decide to play it. Sounds like you've paid your dues over the years.