My MiL has flounced out of Christmas

[ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas]

Sorry to mention the Christmas word, but…

I’m kind of annoyed, but I also think it’s funny.

Every blinking year, I have to invited my PIL and extended in-law family for Christmas, and then at least another dinner. MIL is someone who wants everyone together. This usually ends up with me doing a lot of work as they stay over!

There have been a few years I’ve got out of it. Once we went skiing with my DC at Christmas and we got hell over it. So we’ve not done it since.

Over the past few years my DH has been all, “it’s family. It’s just a few days. Christmas is about family”. That’s my MIL talking, not him. He’s been very sentimental over it, and I’ve felt emotionally blackmailed. Basically they all have a lovely time, and my Christmas is shite.

So, a few weeks ago my MIL announced she and FIL aren’t spending Christmas with any of their adult DC or DGC and are going on holiday for 2.5 weeks. It’s basically from a week before Christmas till double digits in Jan.

She’s flounced because she’s in a huff that no one is paying them enough attention, including them etc. She basically has to be the centre of attention, or you are punished. It’s a spiteful move. Her DC will be upset that they aren’t seeing them at Christmas at all. They’ve all got FOG.

On one hand I think it’s hilarious. I even played happy songs and sang along in my car I was so tickled. On the other I’m kind of pissed that I’ve had to suck up crappy Christmas for “family”, forgoing what I want to do (go somewhere Caribbean 😝)

DH mentioned about extended in-law family and Christmas but that’s a big fat NO from me, and I mean it.

I looked at my work schedule for before and after they leave. In Jan I’ll be well back to work and hibernating.

AIBU to go online and book up my early Dec with gorgeous Christmas things to do for us and DC so MIL can not only have her flouncy Christmas holiday, she can whistle for the rest of Dec too?

Book your Xmas up with plans and days away etc
Before MIL realises her plan hasn’t worked and the holiday gets mysteriously ‘cancelled’ 🤣🤣

That’s all very well and I agree with the principle of it, BUT, in the past, it tended to be women who largely initiated and facilitated all of those things!

Even now, in my my rural village, and in my sister’s urban street, it’s the women who are inviting elderly neighbours to dine with their families at Christmas, or rushing out on Christmas morning to deliver food to them. In our respective churches, it’s the women who are running the kiddie’s Christmas crèche and doing the Christmas flowers and singing in the choir.

In the past, it was women who wrote the Christmas cards and made sure old Aunt Joan was included, or they rang her up on Christmas Day.

In my family it used to be my aunts, not my uncles, who sent parcels to us at Christmas time.

Even now, in most homes in the UK it’s women who are writing Christmas lists, and planning most of the food and buying and wrapping most of the presents.

Getting together is all well and good, but seriously, we don’t have time to do it all any more now that we are working the same hours as men and doing most of the domesticate work too in many cases.

Christmas left entirely to men would look very different indeed!

and now not knowing which end of the turkey to stuff.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It never ceases to amaze me the effort and dedication that someone will put in to create something for others that they really don’t want to be creating. If I was in your position I would make sure my kids had the best Christmas Day but make no effort whatsoever for the rest of the family, if they want to impose themselves on my home for two days they know where the kitchen is, they can cook Christmas dinner themselves!

I have had Xmas at mine for my siblings, their other halves, nieces etc for more years than I remember, but the Xmas right before covid my husband and I decided to book a holiday in Cyprus that year and off we went. Best damned Xmas I have ever had. I was even called selfish by one family member for leaving them all to it even though I gave them several months notice of our intentions... I think they didn't believe me !!!! It was wonderful, relaxing, fun. But it landed back to me after that. Everyone at mine, and last year my sister said to me "how come you always end up ill in early January" whichhad happenedmanytimes... I had chest infection, laryngitis, followed by covid from NYE until mid January this past year. My answer was "BLOODY EXHAUSTION". They all live relatively close so up and leave on Christmas night without having so much as peeled a sprout or washed a dish. YOU GO AWAY.... AND DO IT EVERY YEAR !!!!!!

I would absoloutly book up all your time with amazing things to do. Personally I'd be tempted to go away, play her at her own game. I'd not be letting her take up any of my time.

We had the same thing every Xmas, it was always done at ours, 1 year my brother offered to host it and I got covid on Xmas eve and I got complete hate for it, for going out and taking my kids out, thos was after the look downs etc (bearing in mind they went on a holiday in the height of covid, my brothers gf went to a club night, caught covid and then went away with them all and gave it to my kids, which I made sure she was OK etc, it happens) I just got pure hate and Xmas was awful.

we've now just stopped doing it, last year we did it on our own and it was amazing, quiet. Relaxing, don't let them dictate to you any more. She's made her bed now. She can lie in it. She made the choice to go away for Xmas (if she even has booked it) she doesn't get to manipulate your whole December!

Yes indeed I agree wholeheartedly.What kind of husband sits back and lets his partner do all the work and all at the behest oof his mother.

Why has the hosting always landed on your doorstep OP? With extended family the others need to take a turn if your annual family hugfest is to continue. Your compliance in their plans over the years (and how lovely for them. Wake up on a leisurely Christmas morning whilst you are doing all the skivvying), has now become their right. That needs to stop. Book that holiday. Each Christmas you have can never be repeated. Make lovely memories to look back on, not nightmares.

I've done 43 Christmas lunches out of 46. When the children were young it was hard wrapping till midnight, laying up the table, cooking and clearing all day. I told husband boxing day was ours to play with the children's presents and flop.

The last few years it's been hard I want someone else to do it now. This year we're the guests I can't wait.

This in spades. Since MIL’s decline into Alzheimer’s it’s become apparent how little (zero) FIL did of any of this. No cards or presents for anyone because he can’t work out MIL’s (very basic) birthdays & addresses book. When he missed DS’ 18th he later gave him a (part-used) shower gel as a gift. He has Amazon and Sainsbury’s accounts he uses for his own benefit, so it’s not that he can’t. It’s not about the cost, it’s the thought and effort, and it is most often the women in the family who carry that load.

Why are women doing this though?

It helps that me, DH and my family think Xmas is a crock of 💩 so we do very little, but I’ve never, ever done anything I haven’t wanted to.

@Cece54 sounds like you need to
Take your own advice and go away every year too! Selfish cunts the lot of them.

In my experience it's always the family who has a lovely Christmas and the woman (usually) who has a crappy Christmas. If your husband is so sentimental about Christmas, let him do all of the running around. I'll bet you it will only happen once.

Over the weekend DH, DC and I went out for dinner. I told the DC that GPs are not coming for Christmas, and what do they want to do. They categorically said they don’t want anyone coming over on Christmas and Boxing Day, and just want to open presents, eat and chill.

I’m glad it came from them, and my DH has agreed that no one is being invited over, and we’ll catch up with them all at some point.

It’s too late to book a holiday, as I am working around Christmas, but I can book activities.

That's the best news❣️

Yaaaay!! Congratulations !!!

@ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas I have spent every christmas morning for the past 45 years removing the pipework on the waste disposal unit after having blocked it with sprout leaves and potato peelings!! no one else does it. my hubby wont be able to cope when i die, he wont be able to pay a bill cos he cannot his head round online banking!! he says he has secretaries for this stuff!! god, I need a rest from it all! all those people (14) every year pre christmas cleaning, day of cooking, post christmas dishwashing with dishwasher being on multiple times! present purchasing for both sides of the family, card writing (I have started getting him to do the cards and I just update addresslabels before printing them off) nightmare city!

Ow is the time to express to all of them how you’re very happy that MIL is now making new family tradition of each to their own and you’re looking forward to a small, intimate, immediate family only Xmas relaxed and in your pjs, without any company.

tell your DH now that next year you want the Caribbean Xmas trip as his mother is setting the example it is ok to go away now at Xmas. Just don’t advertise where you’re booking. In fact, tell them the wrong island! So no one books same place.

You sound spiteful. I don't blame them for going away.

You say 'Every blinking year' and then the next paragraph you mention the few years you didn't so it's not been every year.

It's ok for you to go skiing over a Christmas but it's not OK for your in-laws to go on holiday over Christmas.

Definitely please yourselves this Christmas and every Christmas hereafter. Don't make it about point scoring and resentment, just have a happy time in the way that suits you best. And remember one day you will probably be a MIL yourself.

I looked it up because I don’t know

Father of the Groom

Fear of Google

Fit of Giggles

Friend of God

Fields of Glory (gaming)

Fields of Green (band)

Favor Of God

Fellowship of Gamers

so, I’m not sure which even now 🤣

So don’t use the waste disposal on the day you block it. Peel potatoes and do sprouts over a sheet of old newspaper, or a bucket then put it in the recycling. Then you won’t have to clean out the waste pipe

Fear. Obligation. Guilt. I think it was covered earlier. Plenty of each around at Christmas!

Tumblingjungleofchaos ... Just thought I'd update..... I have indeed decided to take yours and my own advice and have told all my lot that I'm not doing Xmas dinner this year or any other for that matter... just told them it's not happening. I suggested we go out for a meal Xmas eve and everyone stays at their own house on Xmas day. They were all shell shocked but have agreed to the Xmas eve night out. And I am SO looking forward to it now instead of dreading it every year. What a load off !!!!!

Wow! Well done! Don't you feel fantastic?!

I'm so delighted for you @Cece54 I hope you have the most relaxing and chilled time!