Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

Enjoy your weekend!

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld
I think he wants to show her how unreasonable she is. I know she won’t listen, but he’s planning confronting her with them if he needs to. Some are really abusive.

Doesn’t mean you have to accommodate her. Is she actually expecting to stay with you ? I’d leave her on the doorstep until she gets the message and leaves.

You’ve put up with her shit for years, for your DH, for your kids - for ‘insert various reasons here’. You don’t have to do it any more. You don’t have to meet her for dinner. You don’t have to listen to what she says. You didn’t agree to any of this. And you didn’t invite her. ‘Sorry you’ve had a wasted journey MiL, but you’ve made your bed, go home and lie in it’.

Are you having trouble with your dates. It’s 7 September 2024. The thread was started on 3 September 2024. I’m on all of the threads you’ve commented on as being zombie. They’re not. They’re all a couple of days old.

Well the abusive messages will make him realise how bad she really is.

Have a lovely weekend, you've earned it.

I think keeping the abusive messages is a good idea. It's real proof of how bad things are and how unreasonable she is. He needs to keep reminding himself of how serious the situation is so when the inner voice of FOG kicks in he has evidence in front of him to bring him back to reality.

I haven't RTFT just the OPs posts but she sounds exactly like my mother. My secret weapon in dealing with her is to just laugh her off. She'll never change - it's only your response to her that can change. I have a lot of siblings and we each deal with her in our own way but I think mine is the best, and we actually manage to have some reasonable exchanges amongst all the ridiculous narcissistic behaviours. I never allow her to my home though, I meet her in her city for a coffee or dinner sometimes.

Blimey she sounds like one if the worst MILs ever.

Enjoy your weekend. You deserve it.

Have a lovely weekend away

Think you posted on the wrong thread?

Think I’d go and voice my views.

It's not OP's responsibility to manage her MIL at this point. It's her husband's job to deal with her or change/end contact with her as he sees fit. OP is entitled to choose to be done with her entirely after 30 years of this crap.

Out of interest how old is MIL?

If you are going away, I would get the neighbours to keep a very close eye on the house. She is already insane but not getting her own way might turn her really destructive. Give them your mobile number and consider getting a RingDoorbell.

OP, honestly, well done all of you. It is incredibly difficult dealing with a parent who is this narcissistic. It can take many many years (nearly 50 in my case) to break away from it. There's the emotional baggage that comes with it all, as they're your parent (or whatever), you put boundaries in place then they play the victim and their flying monkeys come in saying you should just forgive and forget. It is very complicated and for most people not as simple as ending contact in the early days of it. You look back and wish beyond anything that you had ended the contact. But as we know it is more complex than that.

As others have said and you've experienced, prepare for fake illness claims. My parent pretended to have been given 18 months to live. This was on the back of my other parent's dementia diagnosis. He was caught out on this appalling lie and claimed it was all just a joke - and what is wrong with me that I couldn't take a joke/ I'm too sensitive etc.

There is no reasoning with these people. And confronting them with their behaviour, in my experience, doesn't work. Every phrase you use will be twisted and turned against you.

Well done on cutting loose from this. Enjoying protecting your precious peace.

Ah yes, forgot it was her MIL. Her DH needs to grow a pair, but if he's anything like my brothers, he will never manage to stand up to her.

My husband and his two brothers ran around after MIL until the day she died. Fil having escaped by dying years before. When my darling FIL died I wept buckets at his funeral husband dry eyed.

When MIL died I was dry eyed, husband practically threw himself into the grave, we had to drag him away. He never did get her approval

Nope. Do not go. She's gross and energy draining.

When she was repeatedly phoning your landline I would have answered it (without actually saying hello) and said something like this:
"What you are doing is considered harassment. If you do not stop, I will have no option but to report it to the police and then it will be out of my hands. Showing up where you are not wanted, showing up at your grandson's place of work and refusing to leave until you saw him? Who does that??? Oh yes, deranged, unstable narcissists, that's who. Leave us alone or I will report you. I know it's you and you're not welcome here any more!"

And hang up the phone before she has an opportunity to speak.

It will be so cathartic, I guarantee you that much!

If she does phone again, you can use the same script.

Not a mug, just a peacemaker who didn't know the war was never going to be won.

Is MIL staying with her daughter? Does daughter who she gets on with not have children (would explain the hounding of your DC) Why did your husband go no contact with his sister - was he the adult/father figure to his sister by any chance and when you married it changed the dynamic?

I think if she wants to tell you off then that gives you the perfect excuse to air all your grievances as well........as well as your DH to tell her exactly what he thinks of his mother.....be honest and get it all off your chest you both will feel loads better sort of like closure for you opting not to see her any more

Best of luck.

You don’t need to apologise to anyone op.

You don’t control the world because you are a mother. The GM is a problem; that doesn’t mean it’s Op’s fault. “ Enabled the abuse of her DH.” Honestly …

Are you from a country which does the date as Month/Day/Year, @Bodeganights? Because you are on a UK site where dates go Day/Month/Year, meaning the first post was on 3rd September 2024, not March 9th 2024, which may be why you think this is a zombie thread?

I have only read the first two pages of the thread. I have no advice for the OP that hasn’t already been mentioned up to now.Just wondering what the heck Sparkie is posting to be deleted by MNHQ so many times in two pages. Has it set some kind of record? Right off to read the rest of the thread now.