Smokers - shall I tell them?

[Evo20]

We have a few smokers in my family.

We met up recently for a long weekend, and the smoking felt like it really dominated so much of the event.

If outside - often one of them was smoking, so we were sitting smelling cigarette smoke. Often had to be reminded not to smoke next to children etc.

Meals - going out to smoke between courses, so you’d be sitting with gaps at the table.

If indoors - always going outside to smoke. Mid conversation cut off as they’ve decided they want a cigarette, maybe leaving you sitting indoors alone.

I’ve never been bothered by smoking before really - but it felt like it was a bit of a dominating force in the weekend - even having to smell cigarette smoke all the time just seemed so unnecessary.

I think them being together was encouraging more smoking than usual - not that they’d often smoke together. It would be one after the other so no break from it for everyone else around the table.

AIBU to say something to them, to avoid a repeat situation in the future? I do like these people, but the series of behaviour is just ridiculous.

I wouldn't personally, let them do them and you do you.

Its just annoying I agree. But not illegal (yet)

Tell them what? They are free to smoke as they please presuming they are adults. You are free to not accept invitations if it is that much of a problem

I have huge sympathies with you, being the only non smoker, or having a group dominated by smokers, is pretty crap for all of the reasons you have explained.

However I wouldn't bother saying anything. They are in the grasp of a bloody strong addiction, so you won't be able to have a proper rational conversation about. Anything you say will seem like a personal attack/criticism, and they won't be able to think critically about what you are saying due to the addiction.

However if you are not enjoying yourself feel free to take yourself off and do something else while they smoke.

What good do you think your intervention will have that decades of public information campaigns, social restrictions and taxation haven't managed?

I am very fat. Some people think it's their duty to point this out and mention health issues about being fat. Believe me, I am more than aware. There's nothing that will have me exclaim "Great Scott! You're right, how did I never see this before?" and rush off to change my life.

I imagine smokers feel the same way.

If it bothers you that much (and that's a perfectly reasonablre thing to be bothered by) just don't go next time.

I have seen this happen, and have concluded there is nothing you can do about it!

You sound very controlling, so what if people want to go outside for ten minutes? You can go with them or not the decision is yours. Gaps in the table? Lol get a grip.

Even if smoking is made illegal outside pubs etc it won't be enforceable, I'm from a poor town in the north and can tell you that as a fact nobody will stop going outside for a fag, they go outside to smoke copious amount of weed and police dont care, so I highly doubt they will be showing up, sirens blazing, to enforce any stupid legislation if it manages to pass.

AIBU to say something to them, to avoid a repeat situation in the future?

Do you really think you can dictate to someone when they should/should not smoke?

Tell them it’s disruptive and rude.

I am well aware they adults and are entitled to make their own decisions.

I think if they thought I’d stop attending family get togethers because of their smoking, they would probably change their behaviour. I’m not entirely sure they’re aware how annoying / unpleasant it is for everyone else!

I think their social circles involve more smokers so it’s more normal - I don’t really know anyone outside of them who smokes nowadays.

I have never smoked and never will. My sister and mother do and it drives me nuts! Then they have the nerve to be annoyed when I tell them they cannot visit if they need to smoke. My daughter is on oxygen.
I'm also the only one at work who does not smoke and it annoys me when they can take little breaks and I can't.
i cant escape the smell of smoke. Unfortunately though I cannot stop them and they are their own person. I feel you.

It's worth casually mentioning in passing. It might make them more mindful next time.

If you say anything that sounds planned or more strongly worded there probably won't be a next time.

It's really annoying when you go out with smokers and they keep leaving you and bugger off. However I wouldn't say anything.

I think you can explain to someone that their behaviour is disruptive to others / others enjoyment of an event yes.

I haven’t suggested I ‘dictate’ anything.

Why does your enjoyment trump the enjoyment of others?
Does somebody nipping to the loo between courses and leaving a gap spoil it or just smoking?
do all members of the group need to be together at all times?
So many questions 😂

Why are you being so bizarrely rude towards me?

No I am not controlling, no I do not need to ‘get a grip’ for being annoyed at people’s addictions disrupting family events, I highly doubt they’d be pleased if I were to stop attending family events.

And - I have not suggested I would ‘hold my presence to ransom’, I’ve suggested telling them about the impact their behaviour is having on other people.

Which seems a reasonable course of action, giving their behaviour is causing an issue.

very annoying I agree! this is what it's like when I am out with my family, they're up and down like a bloody yoyo for the whole meal!

Imagine if I just got up and moved away from the table because I just felt like it and disappeared for the odd 7-8 minutes - I would be considered rude.

I sometimes go for a fag to escape family members. Maybe they are doing that....

I don't really know what you can say. Please don't smoke at all when socialising with me? Because if they smoke then they will need to go out for a fag. Of course you can ask they leave the table if you're all sitting outdoors eating.
I smoke and if outside I will still move away from other non smokers. But you can't just tell them not to do it?

I was out with a friend once and she left me most of the night as she chatted to other smokers outside. I was very annoyed.

They are addicted. You saying something isn't going to change anything, unfortunately. It's not easy to stop smoking but it is possible, but they have to want to. You are right that hanging out with other smokers just reinforces it and makes them put off doing something about it. You can only comment really if the subject comes up and they ask your opinion, or ask for your support. Otherwise you're just saying something they don't want to hear.

@BobbyBiscuits no, I don’t think expecting them to not smoke at all is reasonable. That would be a bit extreme.

But why is your enjoyment of an event more important than theirs? They enjoy having a cigarette.

I don't really see why it bothers you if there's a gap at the table between courses while someone's gone for a cigarette. There's also a gap at the table if someone goes to the loo, or goes up to the bar to order a drink, or takes a crying baby outside, and nobody thinks anything of it.

These people aren't there purely to provide personal enjoyment for you. They don't have to be sitting next to you talking to you at all times. They can go and chat to someone else if they want, whether they smoke or not.

I get that you don't like smoking, but they obviously do, and I don't think you can expect them to change their behaviour to suit you, particularly as you as a non-smoker are apparently the one in the minority.

Just stop attending family events, if you're asked why tell them you don't want your children around smokers or the influence it has on family events.