Smokers - shall I tell them?

[Evo20]

We have a few smokers in my family.

We met up recently for a long weekend, and the smoking felt like it really dominated so much of the event.

If outside - often one of them was smoking, so we were sitting smelling cigarette smoke. Often had to be reminded not to smoke next to children etc.

Meals - going out to smoke between courses, so you’d be sitting with gaps at the table.

If indoors - always going outside to smoke. Mid conversation cut off as they’ve decided they want a cigarette, maybe leaving you sitting indoors alone.

I’ve never been bothered by smoking before really - but it felt like it was a bit of a dominating force in the weekend - even having to smell cigarette smoke all the time just seemed so unnecessary.

I think them being together was encouraging more smoking than usual - not that they’d often smoke together. It would be one after the other so no break from it for everyone else around the table.

AIBU to say something to them, to avoid a repeat situation in the future? I do like these people, but the series of behaviour is just ridiculous.

OP you asked for opinions and the resounding answer - even by people agree with you, is probably not.

Education has come a long way , but it won't work for everyone - the only way to change peoples behaviour is changing the law and even then people will still leave their dog shit in the street and take drugs illegally.

It is, as you seem to acknowledge, an addiction. You can try to say something if you really must, but it won't go well. They will be very, personally, upset. The only behavior of theirs it's likely to change is how many invitations they send you to family functions afterwards, or how many they attend themselves.

It is my opinion.

As your opinion is your opinion.

The majority agree with what I'm saying though, not you.

So do people who have personal hygiene problems or bad breath or who choose a meal with fish / garlic / curry / something else with a strong smell that not everyone likes.

Do we say something to them too?

@Starlight1979 the majority opinion so far seems to be:

• yes it is rude and unpleasant for others
• probably not worth saying anything however as it won’t change their behaviour

O no!! Shocking behaviour 🙄

@Doingtheboxerbeat I will be interested to see how further bans on where you can smoke will impact smokers.

If you are a smoker and not allowed in a beer garden, where will they go then? Stop going out? Stand down the road?

Id say maybe that would push more to vaping, but I think that might be included in those proposed changes too.

Them leaving the table to go outside isn’t an issue. If they’re lighting up whilst they’re stood near you whilst you’re outside that is and I will always move away and say would you mind doing that over there.

Not shocking. Just disgusting.

I agree with this. It isn’t nice for everyone else there but sadly nothing good will come of making a thing of it.

They don’t smell as bad as Fag Ash Lil. Although personally I don’t socialise with BO Bill either, so that’s not a comparative for me 😂

Exactly.

Very few of my friends smoke, I think now only 2 and they vape. My family though are all big smokers and vapers. I’d literally be laughed out of town if I told them they were being rude or disruptive. I’d be told fine don’t come next time if I have an issue, I would be completely outnumbered and told to get over it. We’ve lost lots of family to smoking, they know the dangers. They will attempt to keep the smoke away by holding their hand out and wafting the smoke they blow out, like that helps. I tell them regularly it’s disgusting, but I’ve been doing that since I was a child, it has zero effect.

I think you sound pretty arrogant to think they would have an issue if you missed family events, unless your grandma and the family matriarch.

The hard core smokers will just go further down the road/ hide behind a bin/ try and do it sneakily.
I don't smoke anymore so it doesn't affect me at all. But if they banned smoking in pub gardens when I was younger I'd have just gone to wherever it was allowed. If that was a few mins down the road then yes I'd have done that.
And yes it may well push more people towards vaping. And let's face it you already get people doing that in enclosed spaces where you're not meant to. So i imagine people will just continue to vape in beer gardens as well as in toilets etc like they do now.

Oh! C'mon Friends, please; smoking tobacco is much less common than it was. I remember when they smoked on top deck of buses and every room in a pub or hotel. Early Bond films, they are smoking and enjoying it.
It can be extremely annoying, but look at the big picture it is getting better, definite progress.
Modern cigarettes taste awful compared to the old days.

I wouldn’t say anything, I would just stop showing up. I wouldn’t bring my child to spend time with people who are smoking, even outdoors.

I wouldn't want to socialise like this so I would decline future invites and give the simple explanation of last time we went to XY, everyone kept going off for a smoke, or smoking in front of kids and it wasn't very pleasant for me and I don't want my kids thinking it's normal either.

You're not trying to have an argument about it, or telling people to stop smoking. You just don't want to be in that situation again and that's fine.

You can ask them but I doubt they'll change, especially if they're also drinking. I used to smoke and it wouldn't have changed my behaviour, other than I might well have been less interested in socialising with you as I'd feel uncomfortable. As far as banning it in pub gardens, smokers will just stop going. I was a smoker when the inside ban came in and we all drastically cut down on pubs and bars; we might go for one or two but then we'd go back to someone's house. Pubs suffered enormously financially, very very many closed. I doubt a ban on gardens will have such a drastic effect as there are fewer smokers now - although it may be that pub regulars are more likely to be smokers, so who knows. I look back on smoking as absolutely the most stupid thing I've ever done, and there's a lot to choose from! I don't miss it and never have, it's crazy for me to remember how unreasonable my behaviour could be, but that's addiction for you. There's a good chance they'll be more likely to cut you out than smoking.

I think you will have to accept these people who smoke don't want to spend as much time with you as you think they do. You think they would stop if you told them as they don't realise what they are doing. They do realise what they are doing and are going out on purpose to smoke and avoid your distaste will be very evident.

As an aside what did you think these smokers would do? Go without a smoke to keep talking with you? I just don't think you're as important to them as you think you are.

I think you definitely should tell them how rude you think they are being and see if they care enough to stop smoking as much as they like just for you.

@Azerothi i doubt they’re going to smoke because they’re trying to avoid me. Why would you come to that conclusion?

They’re going for a cigarette because they smoke.

I have a perfectly good relationship with these people - we like each other and enjoy spending time together.

The frequency and level of disruption caused by their smoking is just increasingly annoying.

When someone goes to the loo, or the bar, they don’t come back stinking of stale smoke. As a non smoker, it’s really unpleasant having to breathe that. Especially during a meal.

Oh, for goodness sake, she doesn't sound controlling!

She does sound controlling, she wants everyone to sit at the table with her until she decides otherwise. I'd be nipping out for a fag every ten minutes to get a break from her, even if I didn't smoke.

I’ve had this and have stopped going on holiday with a friend as smoking dominated what we did.
It became beyond irritating to me.

Same but with a couple of friends at home.