Smokers - shall I tell them?

[Evo20]

We have a few smokers in my family.

We met up recently for a long weekend, and the smoking felt like it really dominated so much of the event.

If outside - often one of them was smoking, so we were sitting smelling cigarette smoke. Often had to be reminded not to smoke next to children etc.

Meals - going out to smoke between courses, so you’d be sitting with gaps at the table.

If indoors - always going outside to smoke. Mid conversation cut off as they’ve decided they want a cigarette, maybe leaving you sitting indoors alone.

I’ve never been bothered by smoking before really - but it felt like it was a bit of a dominating force in the weekend - even having to smell cigarette smoke all the time just seemed so unnecessary.

I think them being together was encouraging more smoking than usual - not that they’d often smoke together. It would be one after the other so no break from it for everyone else around the table.

AIBU to say something to them, to avoid a repeat situation in the future? I do like these people, but the series of behaviour is just ridiculous.

When someone wants a cigarette they really want a cigarette. They may also enjoy some time away from the table as well. You just have to a bit more accommodating. Trust me smokers are a lot more pleasant to be with when they can have a guilt free cigarette. Temporary gaps at the table are better than exasperated guests.

I understand people not wanting smokers to smoke right next to them. But it seems these days smokers are hated no matter what they do.
If they light up next to you they're wrong. If they walk away to do it they're still wrong. Telling/ asking them to not smoke at all isn't going to work. I can accept not wanting them to smoke right next to you or near children, but you can't then moan when they leave for a few mins to smoke.

I'm an ex smoker (quit 7 years ago) by the way but it still bugs me just how hated smokers are.

"I'm an ex smoker (quit 7 years ago) by the way but it still bugs me just how hated smokers are."

Smokers aren't hated. Smoking is. It's a different thing entirely.

They won't stop, OP.
I'm a vaper now (switched when pregnant) and wouldn't be able to come at all if I couldn't smoke. It'd be like coming without a limb.

I think if they thought I’d stop attending family get togethers because of their smoking, they would probably change their behaviour.

Blimey, that's some power you hold 😂

Which seems a reasonable course of action, giving their behaviour is causing an issue.

For you, yes. Not for anyone else by the sounds of it?

I come from a family of smokers and I honestly can't say it's any of my business (nor do I even notice) that they go out for a fag throughout meals, weddings etc. If the weather isn't bad then I - and other people - will go out with them for some fresh air and have a break for 5 minutes! Same as if any of the women are going to the loo then another will generally tag along.

Are these circumstances ok to leave the table OP? Or has everyone got to sit at the table throughout every meal?

Sorry but you do sound quite controlling. Just because that's not your version of "fun", it doesn't mean everyone has to socialise by your rules...

I miss those days where you could all sit around chatting without people having to nip outside every so often. Life was easier then.

And no, you cant tell them to stop smoking.

I think if they thought I’d stop attending family get togethers because of their smoking, they would probably change their behaviour.

🤣 This made me laugh.

Go for it but they are unlikely to stop doing what they want.
You'll have to put up with it or just choose not to see them.

It's your choice not to smoke just like it's their choice to smoke.

If they had a word with you and asked you to pick up smoking or come outside with them more often,would you change your behaviour? 🤣

I smoke and I hate that I smoke. I wash my hands and face and pop something minty after every cigarette - it's truly a pain.
I really want to quit but I don't want to vape lots of people give up smoking but I'm yet to meet someone giving up vaping.
Anyway the point is, as much as I agree with how annoying it is for a nonsmoker, you may find that until they quit, they might choose smoking over socialising with you if you point it out to them.

I think you would sound rather pompous if you tell them that their behaviour is "rude".

They HAVE to go outside to smoke. Are being left at the table completely alone ?

@Starlight1979 no it was mentioned by a few people actually - as I say it was actually visibly distributive on a number of occasions.

I have no issue with them being smokers. That’s not my decision - I used to enjoy a cigarette myself!

I think if it’s only effecting yourself do whatever you want, but at the point it’s having a noticeable and acknowledged impact on others… why not say something?

I agree and so disruptive to conversation. Bad manners to spend a big chunk of an evening away from the table !
No point on saying anything though OP - vote with your feet.

What’s so funny about this?

I don’t think they’d stop smoking because of me (obviously), but yes I think they’d be pretty upset to discover I wasn’t attending family events specifically because of them.

As would I be upset to discover that a family member was avoiding family events because of my behaviour. Thats a hell of a statement!

As in have said - we all like each other.

In any case - I haven’t suggested I would do such a thing as that seems a massive overreaction and not proportional / not something I would want to do.

Ha I was going to say this 🤣

I think the pointing it out is just going to make them uncomfortable and they in turn (if they're anything like me) don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so decide to stay away.
They won't change their behaviour just for you, they just won't enjoy their cigarette as much .

I used to have a relative who didn't like people getting drunk as they were teetotal. They made it clear every time we were out that they disapproved of us having a drink, used to give us dirty looks for going up to the bar and god forbid if anyone was noticeably drunk.

I think that they thought the more the disapproved the less we would do it. Didn't happen. They no longer come to any family events.

Same will apply to smoking. People are free to do as they please when they are socialising. Just because you don't like the fact they keep getting up from the table to go outside, doesn't mean you can stop it. Or have any say over it.

And I say that as a non-smoker.

I don't think a lot of smokers (want to) understand just how disruptive and rude it is to constantly be rushing out for a fag. Or how disgusting they smell when they return. Vapers are just as bad.

The drinking analogy is not the same. I don't drink. Do I like drunks? No. I would only have a problem if a drinker vomited or peed over me.

Have you ever known a drinker leave the room for a quick drink? Drinkers generally don't do that.

Smokers, however think it's ok to do that. Then to come back and assault you with their stink.

What are you on about?! Someone going out for a fag is the equivalent to someone vomiting on you?! 😂

If someone goes outside for a cigarette and you're indoors, how are you affected in any way whatsoever?!

It depends, will you also tell people their alcohol consumption is disruptive and rude? Their technology consumption? Their food (or lack of food) consumption is disruptive and rude? Are you 100% positive no behaviour of yours is disruptive and rude?

Gaps in the table 😱😱🤯 how dare they!….. anyway back in the real world, get over it. I’m sure you will survive 10 mins while they have a smoke

@DoIWantTo well… I think if I was using my phone at the dinner table… yes it would be fair enough to tell me to stop?

Or if I was getting really drunk and being disruptive… also yes? I certainly moderate my alcohol
consumption based on the scenario / who I am with.

Food consumption… do you mean table manners?

Neither of those seem unreasonable scenarios and I think it would be fair enough to comment if I was impacting other people.

I see posts about all of the above being rude on mumsnet all the time - telling kids to not use their iPads, complaining about drunkenness etc!

I don’t think you can say anything to them. If they’re too ignorant to realise how anti social they are being, they’re beyond it. Nothing worse than having a meal out with Fag Ash Lil sitting beside you, stinking the place out.

Your only choice is not to mix with them honestly. Luckily we don’t have any smokers amongst friends or family nowadays but if we did, and they behaved like this, I’d avoid them.

I see posts about all of the above being rude on mumsnet all the time - telling kids to not use their iPads, complaining about drunkenness etc!

Yes but that is all poor behaviour and rude whilst sat at a table. Going outside for a break (smoking or not) is not poor behaviour.

But they literally stink when they come back in, so the gaps are filled with stink.

If you smoke - you stink. Simple as.

Thats your opinion.

As you can see from the replies, others disagree.