Smokers - shall I tell them?

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We have a few smokers in my family.

We met up recently for a long weekend, and the smoking felt like it really dominated so much of the event.

If outside - often one of them was smoking, so we were sitting smelling cigarette smoke. Often had to be reminded not to smoke next to children etc.

Meals - going out to smoke between courses, so you’d be sitting with gaps at the table.

If indoors - always going outside to smoke. Mid conversation cut off as they’ve decided they want a cigarette, maybe leaving you sitting indoors alone.

I’ve never been bothered by smoking before really - but it felt like it was a bit of a dominating force in the weekend - even having to smell cigarette smoke all the time just seemed so unnecessary.

I think them being together was encouraging more smoking than usual - not that they’d often smoke together. It would be one after the other so no break from it for everyone else around the table.

AIBU to say something to them, to avoid a repeat situation in the future? I do like these people, but the series of behaviour is just ridiculous.

Agreed. I’d find being told that really “disruptive and unpleasant”, and would save them that issue by just not spending time with them.

AIBU because the only option is to avoid them . When you decline next time you can explain but hardened smokers see that as their normal- and their right.

I am an ex smoker and I hate passing people in the street smoking never mind spending any length of time with smoke around me so it’s not as if I am unsympathetic to how awful it is.

I fully sympathise with this. Apart from the social awkwardness caused by running in and out, smokers do not realise that their clothing and hair stink after smoking (even outside) and this can be toxic for others, similar to second hand smoke. I would never have allowed my DC to be in such an environment. Do write them collectively and explain how you feel. Might there be others who share your feelings?

I think smoking is a bit different because it impacts others and so needs more consideration given.

I agree with many people that I empathise as I would hate it too, but also agree if you just moan unlikely to get a good outcome.

However, I do think it would be fair and reasonable prior to any future meetings to just explain to them that whilst you completely accept it is their choice to smoke, you would be really grateful if it was never around the kids. Just explain it makes you feel anxious and it's arkward asking each time. I'm sure they are well aware the negative consequences and as your friends would make a conscious effort not to if a point had been made of it.

Good luck.

I feel for you. I find smoking repulsive - I literally find it hard to breathe when someone comes inside from having done it. So I hate being around smokers whether they are actively smoking or not - either way it absolutely reeks and I just want to get away as quickly as I can. I also worry about family members who do as mr dad died of lung cancer. It’s a disgusting habit that does no favours for people and I honestly just do not get why people want to do it, aside from being addicted. Wish people would stop lining the pockets of tobacco companies and risking their health.

No I wouldn't say anything to them.

Smoking IS a social thing. Yes of course they smoked more than they usually would because noone NEEDS a ciggerette between courses, they just wanted to. It's not that they need the nicotine, its that they enjoy doing it.

To be honest, you saying they cut you off mid conversation either means they are very rude, or you've been talking long enough for them to deem that's appropriate.

I'm not sure what can be done here OP other than you going outside with them to continue talking etc or perhaps you could make a couple of comments like 'again??' but try not to be annoying or rude about it.

Ps. I'm a smoker.

Caffeine has useful benefits. It’s has soluble fibre and appears to have a negative affect on colorectal cancer. There are many papers that show this. It affects sleep quality if too much is taken and if it’s taken late in the day.

I don’t like smoking, never even tried it but tell them what exactly? They’re going outside, even when not out in public. Using your logic they could just reply and suggest you come outside with them to avoid the disruption.

You’re unlucky if you have several smokers in the group. That’s pretty unusual nowadays.

Smokers are 2 things - addicted and usually selfish. There would be little point bringing up how it annoyed you, but I’d avoid spending too much time with them in future.

I hate the smell of cigarettes and think the habit is generally dirty. But you do sound really controlling. Gaps at the table? So what. Do something else if you feel the need but trying to control what people do is never going to go well.

@InSpainTheRain yes gaps at the table.

It’s rude if someone else at the table is left sitting alone because you’ve wandered off (repeatedly!).

That’s not controlling - basic manners IMO. Their choice to smoke - but if it’s negatively effecting others in this very specific scenario, perhaps they need to think about that.

I assume at work they don’t need to pop out for a cigarette in the middle of meetings etc.

An adult should be able to manage to get through the length of a meal without repeated cigarette breaks.

I understand and agree with you completely OP. My inlaws have a tradition of going out for a Christmas Eve dinner every year, but they all smoke (except for my husband), so we spend most of the time at the table alone. Drives me crazy.
My SIL is especially bad and we can’t go anywhere with her without her needing a cigarette every 5 mins.
I wouldn’t ask them to stop smoking (because that won’t work), but asking them to take turns might be better as they probably don’t realise they’re leaving you. I can see them just asking you to come with them though.

You don’t need to. Smoking is pretty much banned everywhere, hardly anyone smokes anymore and looks like it’s going to be banned in more places soon. It’s really bizarre that pointing out a fact is seen as hysterical yet you’re the one claiming to smell coffee outside of coffee shops 🤣

It is weird and rude. On my hen do, any meal out we had, had to be somewhere where the smokers could pop outside for a fag easily. Anything up steps was a no. I suppose when you’re addicted to a drug, you don’t care about anything else.
If someone had to pop out for a line of coke every 30 mins it would be frowned upon, but a cigarette it’s crack on. Very strange. Although I do see less and less smokers now. Vapes are the rage.

They're adults, they can smoke if they want

There is a lot of truth in what you have written. Also I remember that a lot of pubs and bars in the uk pre smoking ban didn’t really bother with their outside spaces as much. After the ban kicked in lots of establishments prettied up outside areas for their regular customers who were smokers to use, then suddenly these areas caught the eye of the non smokers, who thought, ooooh this is nice, then moved in all while wafting their hands and giving disapproving looks at the people who used the area all year round.

If they all went out together and you weren't there the restaurant might think that they have finished and done a runner, and will start clearing the table.

Much better for people to just decide fat works for them. In the OPs position I'd just limit my contact. They can smoke. I can choose not to have an annoying evening broken up with gaps where I had to sit around waiting for them to feed their addiction. And I don't want to have to wash my hair every time I see them.

@KreedKafer

I don't really see why it bothers you if there's a gap at the table between courses while someone's gone for a cigarette. There's also a gap at the table if someone goes to the loo, or goes up to the bar to order a drink, or takes a crying baby outside, and nobody thinks anything of it.

So presumably you would think it was fine if every 30 mins your friend detached from the conversation and scrolled online at social media for 6-7 mins for the lols and then returned to chat again. Or called another friend every 30 mins. Or kept walking off to talk to strangers every 30 mins. And expected you to just sit there like a lemon.

It would be super weird and rude no?
Why is detaching to feed an addiction somehow acceptable?

Why would I pretend to smell coffee? You're grasping at straws here.

Some people have a stronger sense of smell to others and some people are sensitive to certain smells. Coffee smells like mud mixed with bin juice to me. It's horrible.

And even if you think I'm lying for attention, you've heard of coffee breath, surely? A quick Google will satisfy you if you have somehow missed its existence.

That’s awful. I would have just picked where I wanted! How embarrassing requesting that.

Being addicted to a legal substance doesn't meet that definition any more than being addicted to caffeine does.

https://g.co/kgs/jbtMhPM

Nicotine is legal which means smokers are not drug addicts, like it or lump it

Cocaine was legal at one point wasn’t it? We live, we learn.

The only reason smoking is still legal is because of the money it generates, not because it has any positives for smokers

If they were just smoking amongst themselves, I'd be fine with it, but if they aren't aware enough that the smoke is getting to nearby children then I would tell them. It seems a bit selfish of them if they're that unaware of other people