For putting my foot down about DM's dog

[OhMyGodAChicken]

I'll preface this post by saying I'm not really a dog person. I like them well enough, grew up with them, and fuss on friends' pets, but I don't want one for myself. DM is convinced I hate dogs, most especially hers.

The latest situation culminated in her sloping off home from ours, where she's been staying (with dog), last night in a huff.

DM's life centres on this dog. She lives alone with him and he provides her with company and a reason to get out and about to meet people.

However, there's a list of his "requirements" (not sure how many are real, how many have been created by DM, and how many are just DM's claims) that makes it really hard work having him to stay with her - or actually doing anything much.

• He will only eat rotisserie chicken from the supermarket. It has to be served on the floor as he's "scared" of dishes.

• Likewise, he will only drink water from a glass, and it has to be refreshed three times a day. I've seen him gobble up cat food and water from my pets' dishes, and he eats literal shit when out on walks.

• He has to sleep in the bed with DM, so any bedding I put on the guest bed, I have to be happy for the dog to sleep in.

• He doesn't like the car and "can't be left", so any outings have to be short and/or near to DM's, and dog-friendly venues.

• He regularly humps cushions and blankets for 15-20 minutes. After he did it to my sofa cushions, DM brings a blanket he's allowed to hump. She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.

• He licks everything. EVERYTHING. "He's just a licker" - we're talking aggressive licking and slurping carpets, sofas, cushions, DD, the kitchen floor, any furniture he can reach. DM lets him lick between her fingers and toes for 15 minutes at a time.

• He drags his arse along the carpet regularly - "He's clean, he just has allergies and needs to itch."

The problem I'm having is that DM is at the point where she feels it's unfair for her dog to have to change any routines/behaviours when he's here. She locks my cats in the lounge because he chases them, serves his meals on the kitchen floor, allows him to chew and lick anything he pleases, and gets extremely defensive and angry if DD or I tell him to stop.

Yday evening, I was getting to my wit's end with it. He'd chased the cats twice, wouldn't stop licking anything and everything, and was dragging his arse across the lounge floor.

Any look or comment was met with barely contained fury by DM, who eventually (because I'd literally turned my head to look at what the slurping noise in the middle of the kitchen floor was) said "Fine, if you won't stop going on about it, I'll take him home - come on, [DDog]."

I pointed out that I didn't think it was unreasonable to not want him licking everything or scraping his literal arsehole across the carpet repeatedly, but she's in a major huff now and has said she no longer feels comfortable at my home.

AIBU? Are these normal dog behaviours people tolerate in their houses? Is this just to be expected/accepted when a relative comes to stay and won't leave their dog with someone else?

I'm feeling hurt and defensive that DM has prioritised the dog over me and DD (as it feels to me) but she's obviously hurt too. Would welcome any outside perspectives on this.

Honestly - get rid.

However as she’s a nasty bitch I would be careful about how I do it - you want to get to the point where she has barely seen you, or ideally not seen you, for a very long time so she doesn’t have any grounds to go to court to force time with your child. That would be hard to achieve for her, but not unknown, so don’t play into her hands by letting your DD go to stay with her. I’m astonished that you’re doing that to be honest - I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near someone like this and you can bet your bum that when you’re out of the way, she’s subtly running you down to your child.

Get her back out of your lives right now, before she starts influencing your child. Really way too late when your 13 year old is sneering at you that she doesn’t have to listen to you, granny always said you were a mean cow and she says I can go and live with her anytime and I don’t have to listen to anything you say (yes, happened in my family with a toxic fucking bitch of a woman and her daughter).

So she is prepared to actively harm your child by loading her with a disgusting amount of sugar?
She shouldn't be allowed to have your child again.
She is a disgrace.

Thanks again for all the replies - for some reason, MN didn't let me know they were here. I appreciate the kind words, and as a former gaslighted-to-fuck child, it's really helpful to get outside views that reassure me I'm not going mad.

I messaged DM yesterday to make it clear (without lobbing a hand grenade into the situation) that I know what she said to DD.

Me: Hey, can I just ask - DD said you've told her you aren't allowed to come to our house anymore? She's a bit confused and upset, and I've explained that it's not the case

DM: That’s not what I said at all. She asked me about staying over and I said I can’t because I have no one to leave [DDog] with.

Me: OK, just wanted to check there'd been no misunderstanding - you're obviously not banned from coming round, and I've told her that

DM: Of course

She's not replied further or said anything since, so it's quite clear she's (still) sulking. I don't believe DD is fibbing on this one - she's absolutely clear about what DM said and asked me why DM is lying about her.

DM has also made a point of inviting us all down for Sunday dinner at some point - something she's never done before - which feels very pointed. She's perfectly capable of driving the 20 mins up the road to come to us, but is clearly now making a show of sticking to her home turf.

I CBA with it. I'm 6mo pregnant and in the middle of a house move, so DM will just have to lick her wounds. I'll find someone else to watch DD if there's a next time.

I can’t emphasise this enough - if you carry on letting this woman build a relationship with your child you may live to really regret it.

You can see what she is and work within that knowledge but your DD can’t - her entire worldview is dependant on the picture which is painted for her. Grannies are safe and you can trust them. Family members want the best for you. People your mummy lets you have sleepovers with are good people.

I cut contact with family members who were toxic people when I had a child for this exact reason. Relationships which could be managed when it was just me could not be workable with a child in the mix for exactly this reason. It seems you’ve done the opposite - when you are responsible for the absolute security and safety and mental health of a child, that’s the point at which you let the vampire back into the castle, so to speak.

With my own experiences I cannot say urgently enough, please get rid of this woman.

I really hope the house move is a lot further away. If it isn’t, I’d honestly consider it.

She’s really wallowing in her sulk isn’t she!

Let her crack on and sulk. Not your problem.

I've made it clear to DD that Grandma is behaving badly, sulking and lying, and that she won't be going to stay again.

It's not - about the same distance, but I don't think she'll be coming over - there's no designated parking and Ddog is not allowed.

Great post from @TheCultureHusks that you would be wise to take seriously.

Toxic manipulative liars like your mother cause great confusion in young children, absolutely disturbing their innocent view of the world and making them feel both bewildered and unsafe.

There is a reason parents keep people like your mother, even though she is family, on a very tight leash.

She has lied to your daughter and then to you.
Take this move as a fresh start.
Keep them away.
Don't allow her to become important to your child, it is only a matter of time before she causes you grief again.

Protect your innocent children from toxicity as long as you can.

I like dogs but that dog would not be visiting my house! I'm sure neutering him and getting him away from your mother for a bit would fix him up!

Final update on this thread, I think. After four years of being back in touch after 13 years of NC, DM and I are now back to NC.

She texted me with another one of her right-wing conspiracy theories, despite me asking her to not talk politics with me, and wouldn't let it drop. Nothing would shut her down.

Our last words to each other reveal that she's (surprise, surprise) pissed off about the dog situation:

Mum: It seems you are putting an awful lot of boundaries on me lately.
Me: Boundaries are healthy
Mum: You have an answer for everything never mind if it hurts others anyway I will respect your boundaries, [Firstname]
Me: I’m sorry it hurts you to respect my boundaries. I’m heavily pregnant at this point and don’t need this stress right now.

I've blocked her on all channels and won't be giving her our new address once we move.

Thanks all for your kindness, head-wobbles and supportive words. I think I knew this would be one of the final straws, and it's really helped to have sensible and supportive opinions.

Thank god!!!

Good luck OP, you’ve done the right thing.

Never let this vampire back in.

Thank you for keep us updated.
Good luck OP x

YOu are doing the right thing.

100%

Excellent update OP.
Whilst you may grieve a little, long term the peace, tranquility and certainty, will more than compensate.
Hope you have a swift safe birthing experience and an easy baby.

I was hoping not to have any updates, but here we are.

Six days after telling me to leave her alone for a few weeks, DM texted DP to ask when she could come round with DD's bday presents. DD doesn't want to see her, so DP texted DM to say please leave the presents for now, DD isn't ready to see you as she's upset at how things have panned out, and we'd let DM know if/when anything changes.

DM sent him multiple long, angry messages about what a vindictive cow I am, how she's "heartbroken" I've "involved" DD, and how she's done nothing to deserve this. DP didn't respond.

Yesterday, I was WFH. Mid-morning, someone starts hammering on the front door - it's DM.

She spends 10 minutes absolutely battering the door, before huffing "FINE" and leaving a bag of presents on the doorstep along with a note "I am not leaving [DD] without presents on her bday - THAT'S JUST WRONG." It left me really shaken up - it was so loud even the bloody cats were hiding under my bed upstairs.

I've not responded in any way.

Today, a letter has arrived through the post addressed to me. I took a look at the first lines - about how "this letter isn't intended to stress you out. I have been nothing but kind and supportive..." and decided it didn't need reading any further.

At this rate, it's looking like we'll need some kind of cease and desist / restraining order.

So sorry OP.
This is standard abusive narcissistic bulkshit from people who cannot accept No and are utterly unhinged.

Well done for not answering.
Do not give those gifts to your child.
She doesn't need them.
Dump them would be my view.
Ring 101 and ask for advice.

I really cannot stress enough how you have a real responsibility to keep this woman as far as fxxk away from your children.

Thank you, lovely. Presents are going to the charity shop, and I'll be formalising a non-contact order if she doesn't stop. I put up with 13 years of horrifically abusive messages before, I'm not doing it again.

Thanks for keeping us updated.
I want to say I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns. Nobody should put up with abuse from anyone, especially when it comes from a parent who is supposed to care for you and protect you your whole life.
I know it hurts but you’re doing the right thing.
Does DD know that her DGM has dropped presents off for her? Does she choose to not keep them also?

Good woman.
Should your daughter ask about her, tell the truth, "she is very sick and she cannot visit us"....or something like that.

Cease to reference her.
Take the firmest of legal action to ensure she doesn't behave as she did last time.

This should involve reporting to the police.
Keep strong and mind yourself and your baby.

Thank you so much. Dd does know about the presents, yes. We had a talk about how presents are lovely things but not if they’re used to “buy” the right to behave badly.

Dd has had a look at the presents and is sad, but still wants nothing to do with her grandma. She’s angry and upset at DM, which is a sad thing on her birthday ☹️

But, she beat me to it when she said we shouldn’t see grandma again.

Thank you, I’ll make sure the boundaries are formalised this time.