For putting my foot down about DM's dog

[OhMyGodAChicken]

I'll preface this post by saying I'm not really a dog person. I like them well enough, grew up with them, and fuss on friends' pets, but I don't want one for myself. DM is convinced I hate dogs, most especially hers.

The latest situation culminated in her sloping off home from ours, where she's been staying (with dog), last night in a huff.

DM's life centres on this dog. She lives alone with him and he provides her with company and a reason to get out and about to meet people.

However, there's a list of his "requirements" (not sure how many are real, how many have been created by DM, and how many are just DM's claims) that makes it really hard work having him to stay with her - or actually doing anything much.

• He will only eat rotisserie chicken from the supermarket. It has to be served on the floor as he's "scared" of dishes.

• Likewise, he will only drink water from a glass, and it has to be refreshed three times a day. I've seen him gobble up cat food and water from my pets' dishes, and he eats literal shit when out on walks.

• He has to sleep in the bed with DM, so any bedding I put on the guest bed, I have to be happy for the dog to sleep in.

• He doesn't like the car and "can't be left", so any outings have to be short and/or near to DM's, and dog-friendly venues.

• He regularly humps cushions and blankets for 15-20 minutes. After he did it to my sofa cushions, DM brings a blanket he's allowed to hump. She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.

• He licks everything. EVERYTHING. "He's just a licker" - we're talking aggressive licking and slurping carpets, sofas, cushions, DD, the kitchen floor, any furniture he can reach. DM lets him lick between her fingers and toes for 15 minutes at a time.

• He drags his arse along the carpet regularly - "He's clean, he just has allergies and needs to itch."

The problem I'm having is that DM is at the point where she feels it's unfair for her dog to have to change any routines/behaviours when he's here. She locks my cats in the lounge because he chases them, serves his meals on the kitchen floor, allows him to chew and lick anything he pleases, and gets extremely defensive and angry if DD or I tell him to stop.

Yday evening, I was getting to my wit's end with it. He'd chased the cats twice, wouldn't stop licking anything and everything, and was dragging his arse across the lounge floor.

Any look or comment was met with barely contained fury by DM, who eventually (because I'd literally turned my head to look at what the slurping noise in the middle of the kitchen floor was) said "Fine, if you won't stop going on about it, I'll take him home - come on, [DDog]."

I pointed out that I didn't think it was unreasonable to not want him licking everything or scraping his literal arsehole across the carpet repeatedly, but she's in a major huff now and has said she no longer feels comfortable at my home.

AIBU? Are these normal dog behaviours people tolerate in their houses? Is this just to be expected/accepted when a relative comes to stay and won't leave their dog with someone else?

I'm feeling hurt and defensive that DM has prioritised the dog over me and DD (as it feels to me) but she's obviously hurt too. Would welcome any outside perspectives on this.

Dragging arse on carpet is not a sign of worms but possibly of swollen anal glands, which need a vet's attention to squeeze them (bit horrid, but the vet can do it, you don't have to look!). One presumes OP's DM knows to worm and flea her dog, she doesn't seem to be in her dotage.

She's only in her sixties, definitely not in her dotage!

Yes, consideration goes both ways, I agree. I have never had an intransigent DM (or DMiL) so I find it a bit hard to see what can be done. DM was difficult in other ways but amenable to our very lax house-rules when visiting. Could get huffy occasionally, but I am Madam Tactless and took little notice, I am afraid.

Where did Mum get ddog from ?
has the dog always had issues, is he a rescue ?

I think there is a good possibility that some of ddog's insecurities would decrease if he had a companion dog - as dogs are pack animals and do tend to like having canine companionship BUT Mum could cause / create similar issues with a 2nd dog :(

I was going to say this!
The dog should be wormed regularly and should be neutered.
I’m a dog owner and reading this made me feel 🤢

The itching may well be a reaction to the excess of protein that he’s been eating through only having the chicken 🤦‍♀️. We had a cat like this (who ate normal cat food btw) and had to put her on lower protein cat food.

She got him from a breeder. He was the runt of the litter, and she babied him immediately - carrying him round in her top, sleeping with him in her bed etc. I can see how it's easy to do with a delicate little puppy, but it seems not to have been good for him.

@OhMyGodAChicken ah, I can see a clearer picture now.
Sounds like my gran who at 86, sits on her throne (chair), believes anything from daily mail/bbc news/wardrobe from M&S /chatting to her cronies/the Internet is the devil's work and doesn't get out much apart from once a week when my mum takes her out for a run.
I do feel for you as you are in a very exciting time of life, dealing with a mum who means we'll but possibly isn't coping very well with your change in lifestyle so is focusing on the dog to the detriment of the dogs health.
We can all be armchair psychologists online, making suggestions etc but I hope that hopefully you can enjoy the next chapter in your life. Congratulations on the baby, may they bring you much joy.

somebody chose to breed a yorkie and a chi together ho hom, why on earth could they not just have bred yorkies or chi's ho hum again.

without going down the rabbit hole of puppy farms, did mum visit the breeder and see puppy in a home environment with his litter mates and canine mother ?

as a ' normal ' well adjusted puppy should be able and willing to eat out of a dog bowl.

I actually cut off contact with DM for over a decade from my twenties to thirties because of her behaviour towards me. We've been back in contact for about five years, but there's no real mother-daughter affection there. We both sort of claim there is, but I think it's lacking from both sides.

She loves my DD, and I want them to have a good relationship, but now her behaviour is deteriorating again - including spewing racist nonsense - I'm worried; my DD is mixed race and so especially doesn't deserve to be subjected to DMs bigotry.

She does sound like your gran, really - anything she believes is true to the 100th degree, anything else is wrong, and it's her way or the highway.

It's a money-making thing, usually, isn't it? Or done for "cuteness" sakes. Every pairing has the potential to be the next Cockapoo or Doodle, or whatever.

DM did go and see DDog in the litter - he was the runt, very put upon, and not very healthy.

yes, I have to admit I have 2 dogs that are x breeds - shih tzu and pug, but at least they were an ' accidental ' breeding ( not by me !!! ) the mum dog was a shih tzu and the family got a pug - didn't neuter him in time and lo and behold a litter of x breed puppies.
one puppy was kept ( of course ) the others rehomed/sold until one was returned, and that is how i have 2 of them :) as 4 dogs were too much for the family and I was on the look out for one addition to my family and 15 months or so...I got daddy too.

but this thread isn't about my dogs :)

it's about your mother, and her dog.

actually it's about your mother as it's not the dog's fault.

and having read your update on Mum, I am sorry as I don't usually suggest no contact / low contact I would now be putting myself and my daughter and my future baby first, very much in front of mum's health and wishes to stay over.

No, I appreciate your input - and all the PPs who've taken the time to share experiences, information and advice.

I think you're right on that last point. I feel angry and sad, but we all make our choices, and I have to make the right ones for me and DD x

Thanks yes, i was going to say that we have all got lost in the dog behaviour and not stopped to say that you must be feeling so hurt by it.

For me there are other probelms with my relationship with my mum so it goes deeper but it also came after a time where my dad had been ill and I had sorted all that out, he died and I sorted all the funeral out, she moved house and I sorted all that out and had let her live at my house with the dog so for me to make one true comment and to be told not to darken her doorway was just so bloody childish and spoke volumes about how she views me - as her pa who is jut there to do admin for her.

I think it's crept up on me, tbh - the more I think about it, and read outside perspectives, the more I realise I've been pushing down how hurtful it is.

I mentioned in a previous post that, like you, I've had loads of major issues with DM in the past, to the extent that I went NC from 23-36yo. Now she's comfortably back in the fold with me, the lack of respect is starting to creep back. It's horrible and I'm really sorry you can relate x

I am a dog owner and admit that my Labrador is probably a bit more spoilt than he should be 😂but even I think that this list of demands is totally bat shit.

Ah that makes sense, a more emotionally mature parent wold not go off in a huff or blame everyone else. Mine does the "oh (dog's name) you are getting me in trouble again" along with the how do you think I feel about the dog jumping up on you - err not that bad as you would do something and you don't feel as bad as I do having shredded legs. Do you think they believe wat they say ie my mum is adamant it can't be trained to not jump up/jump all over me and she has done all she can. I do want to say to her (she is in her 's what do you think will happen to the dog if you die before it, I am not having it. Which is getting more likely as it just pulls on the lead and will one day pull her over.

It's not worms when they drag arse, but uncomfortable anal glands. The worms idea is an old wives tale that persists, unfortunately. He needs to have the glands emptied by a vet.

Oh God, I've had the tearful "Who will look after Ddog if I go first?" questions. I've told her maybe her brother will have him.

Yanbu OP.

Time to drop the rope and again severely limit the time your child is exposed to this woman.
You cannot allow your child to be around racist views within her own family.
Sadly she may have to deal with such vile views at large, but she needs to at least feel safe among her own.

It may be painful, but you need to pull away from her.
She sounds toxic.

I’m a vet and absolutely agree with this. The dog may well have allergies and definitely needs those anal sacs checking. The diet is unbalanced and no way does he have to eat it off the floor!!! I tolerate a certain level of inconvenience with my cat when dog-owning friends visit but any scooting and licking would mean that particular dog was unwelcome. My cat’s not the stressy type though, I wouldn’t let dogs near if it was likely to cause urinary issues so maybe tell your mum your cat has been diagnosed with cystitis caused by stress and the vet has said he needs a calm, safe home otherwise he risks a life-threatening blockage?

If I understand you well your child, who is mixed-race, is exposed to a racist person (who happens to be her own grandmother) and also considered less than a dog. That grandmother, your mother, was not in your life for a very long time so I think you own her nothing. And may I ask, is the baby you're expecting also mixed-race? I would not "go-away" from your mother, no, I would rún.

She sounds unhinged. I would be concerned that there is some Mh issues going on op.

I'm not sure which one sounds worse, the mother or the dog.
Anyway, I'd ban both of them from the house, problem solved.