For putting my foot down about DM's dog

[OhMyGodAChicken]

I'll preface this post by saying I'm not really a dog person. I like them well enough, grew up with them, and fuss on friends' pets, but I don't want one for myself. DM is convinced I hate dogs, most especially hers.

The latest situation culminated in her sloping off home from ours, where she's been staying (with dog), last night in a huff.

DM's life centres on this dog. She lives alone with him and he provides her with company and a reason to get out and about to meet people.

However, there's a list of his "requirements" (not sure how many are real, how many have been created by DM, and how many are just DM's claims) that makes it really hard work having him to stay with her - or actually doing anything much.

• He will only eat rotisserie chicken from the supermarket. It has to be served on the floor as he's "scared" of dishes.

• Likewise, he will only drink water from a glass, and it has to be refreshed three times a day. I've seen him gobble up cat food and water from my pets' dishes, and he eats literal shit when out on walks.

• He has to sleep in the bed with DM, so any bedding I put on the guest bed, I have to be happy for the dog to sleep in.

• He doesn't like the car and "can't be left", so any outings have to be short and/or near to DM's, and dog-friendly venues.

• He regularly humps cushions and blankets for 15-20 minutes. After he did it to my sofa cushions, DM brings a blanket he's allowed to hump. She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.

• He licks everything. EVERYTHING. "He's just a licker" - we're talking aggressive licking and slurping carpets, sofas, cushions, DD, the kitchen floor, any furniture he can reach. DM lets him lick between her fingers and toes for 15 minutes at a time.

• He drags his arse along the carpet regularly - "He's clean, he just has allergies and needs to itch."

The problem I'm having is that DM is at the point where she feels it's unfair for her dog to have to change any routines/behaviours when he's here. She locks my cats in the lounge because he chases them, serves his meals on the kitchen floor, allows him to chew and lick anything he pleases, and gets extremely defensive and angry if DD or I tell him to stop.

Yday evening, I was getting to my wit's end with it. He'd chased the cats twice, wouldn't stop licking anything and everything, and was dragging his arse across the lounge floor.

Any look or comment was met with barely contained fury by DM, who eventually (because I'd literally turned my head to look at what the slurping noise in the middle of the kitchen floor was) said "Fine, if you won't stop going on about it, I'll take him home - come on, [DDog]."

I pointed out that I didn't think it was unreasonable to not want him licking everything or scraping his literal arsehole across the carpet repeatedly, but she's in a major huff now and has said she no longer feels comfortable at my home.

AIBU? Are these normal dog behaviours people tolerate in their houses? Is this just to be expected/accepted when a relative comes to stay and won't leave their dog with someone else?

I'm feeling hurt and defensive that DM has prioritised the dog over me and DD (as it feels to me) but she's obviously hurt too. Would welcome any outside perspectives on this.

I just knew the word Yorkie was was going to come into it at some point. Very prone to impacted anal glands. My Yorkie, when I was young, was a notorious teddy shagger. Tiny wee thing she was. She had special ted in her bed. She was very attached to Ted. She would give it to him till her groin went bald. The vet said that the impacted anal glands, and the horrendous itching it caused her, were the reason Teddy got sexually harassed multiple times a day. She didn't do the other things your mum's dog does. Sweetest little Yorkie, quiet and full of love. I miss her so much.

The chicken is not a healthy diet, if she wants a good diet for him there are plenty of complete raw foods for dogs or nice dog food companies like Butternut Box fresh cooked food for dogs. but I can understand the dog not eating off a plate / from a bowl if he is a rescue / came from a puppy farm.

But she should be working on that !

water from a glass ? a human drinking glass ? what size - does he just daintily lap it ? I think she is over indulging him on that one, altho I can understand if he doesn't like drinking from a metal water bowl and he has a tag on his collar which makes a noise whilst he is drinking ?
so yet again something she should be working on - i. e. ceramic bowl / plastic bowls / glass bowl etc.

in the bed - ah yes i had one like that, our fault - brought home a rescue and dd thought the dog would like to sleep in my bed with us - yes dd joined us for the first night.
wasn't a problem for me, as at that time i had several others on the bed and one on the pillow.
we don't / didn't go ' visiting ' !

doesn't like the car ?! something else for her to work on. i had one that was very very car sick, he grew out of it and was in the car at least twice a day 5 days a week.

neutering will help the humping a lot ! why is he not already neutered.
is he a poodle ?

the licking is excessive, I wonder if it is behavioural ? she can speak to the vet about it when booking him in to be neutered, and whilst she is there getting his anal glands done ! if he is a poodle type dog and goes to a dog groomer - some of them will do this too.
or worms, but vet can deal with that too.

she needs to have him on a short lead held in her hand the whole time she visits until he realises cats are not for chasing !

however, dog is now her life / her baby.
but she will have no friends / no one to visit if she continues to allow dog to behave like that.
a spoilt dog is not always a happy dog.
an untrained dog is not always a happy dog.

mum has a lot of work ahead of her.

ah I see from your update that dog is neutered - oh dear.
and not a poodle either !

how old is ddog ?

if mum hadn't made such a mess of looking after him, i would have suggested a companion dog for ddog...

I dont care if it's the dogs fault or not. I don't care why a dog behaves how it does. I do not allow animals like that in my space and op shouldn't either.

The world is filled with animals, too many of them in fact, and most don't behave like that. I have absolutely no time for that crap or trying to insist somebody does something they don't want to do, like train their dog. It's a losing battle. I don't like all the people I mean why would I like every dog I meet? Especially ones that have been allowed to behave this way.

I am a dog person on the sense I understand dogs, I know what a dog is about to do before it does. I worked in rescues in boarding kennels and I trained working farm collies for many years.

Nobody can stop that woman from doing what she likes with her dog but op can follow common sense and ban the pair of them. Absolutely disgusting.

Sounds like this dog needs a proper owner

We have a dog whom we adore but he wouldn't be behaving like that in someone else's house (nor in our house either).

Some of this sounds behavioural - he's been outrageously indulged and the demands are ridiculous. The bum scraping? He needs to be off to the vet at once!

She hasn’t trained or disciplined the dog and that is what has caused the problem. I grew up with dogs and none of the scraped their arseholes across the floor. Isn’t this a sign of worms? Likely your mother has worms too, and possibly your family if the dog is licking everything.

I wouldn’t allow the dog in my home. Visit her at hers and keep some hand gel in your bag.

I definitely agree with the posters who have said that the bum scraping is a sign that DDog's anal glades need checking. Your DM doesn't have to pay for an appointment with the Vet, she can book in with the Vet Nurse who will check and empty them and it's cheaper.

She does need to address her DDog's diet too as so many dogs are allergic to chicken and she's not providing all of the nutrients her DDog needs.

From the behaviour you've described and your DM's health, I'm just wondering how much exercise he gets?

The idea of a dog eating chicken off my
floor gives me the absolute ick. That would not go down in my house, nor any of the other crap! I am sorry for the poor dog though, vet clearly uses ‘adhd’ for ‘shitty fucking owner fucking a poor innocent animal up.’ I don’t know why a vet can’t say ‘you’ve mentioned a daughter- did you ever serve vegetables with meals when she was growing up? Your dog needs healthy food too.’

God that poor dog. He's being horrendously neglected.

I asked my DH what he thought a chorkie was. He said a biscuit.
I'm not a big lover of dogs, we have a cat as due to lifestyle and working patterns, it's not fair on a dog to leave it at home for 8 hours plus.
Your mums dog needs a anal gland empty and training which is relating all the other posters I know but it sounds like your mum needs helps as well.

AlmostAJillSandwich I cringed the whole way through your post - you poor thing. So glad you're out of that situation now.

He looks a lot like a small, ginger Steve Buscemi. And yes, I do need to prioritise the cats - I've not seen the more nervous one much in the last few days at all.

Thank you 🩷 It did go well, thankfully - baby is happy, healthy and very wiggly.

I knew from passive aggressive texts the night before and comments she'd made before leaving our house that she was going to let me down. By the time it came round, I was so disgusted with her, I didn't want her there anyway.

She's a bit more coy about the ejaculate - DD went to sit down where the blanket was and DM stopped her very quickly and said DDdog humps that blanket, you won't want to sit on it, "Even I wouldn't!"

I'm standing there, jaw hanging, as she makes out it's adorable and funny.

The funny thing is, we had dogs when I was growing up.

• They weren't allowed upstairs or on the nice couches/armchairs
• They weren't allowed to beg at the table
• They were taken on two walks a day but had to do their business in the back garden before bed (current Ddog has to be taken down the road at 10pm because he "won't" wee in the back yard)
• They were confined to their beds downstairs at night
• They were told off for any bad behaviour
• They were able to be left for a few hours
• They both had to go in the car frequently

I think, now that she lives alone and Ddog is her sole focus, his "needs" are actually her OCD/control issues.

Believe it or not, he's quite a sweet dog in himself.

He's very affectionate, constantly wants a fuss, rolls over and shows me his belly constantly (he absolutely adores me, which I don't understand), and adores DD. He's nice with most other dogs, and gets DM out and about.

He's just so anxious and...for want of a better word, wimpy? He's constantly shivering/trembling, is extremely submissive around me (I've never been mean to him of course). I feel quite sorry for him.

I'm sorry - that sounds really hurtful. I can see this situation going the same way, tbh. It's hard knowing you come a distant second to a dog.

We've had dog-sitters before for when DM goes off on holiday (funny - she doesn't mind leaving him for a week when she needs a bit of sun).

The first one is no longer an option because, to DM's fury and indignation, she got her own dog. She was still fine to have DDog, but DM wasn't OK with it.

The second one has been ruled out because she "fed DDog all sorts" (dog food) and Ddog came home covered in fleas - obviously that one's fair enough.

I do think DM is starting to lose herself a bit.

She spends a lot of time alone, watching right-wing conspiracy theorists on YouTube - she then comes and parrots her "knowledge" to me, and I've had to tell her I don't want to hear it anymore.

Her views and behaviours are all becoming that bit more rigid and entrenched as the years go on - too long in the echo chamber, maybe.

Sounds like your dog has a lovely life - as he should! Our two, growing up, were similar: always up in the woods, doing doggy things, racing around being happy animals.

I think you've hit on it when you said, "Unless she enjoys it on some level?" - I think she does. All these "Ddog can't do X, Y, Z..." things seem (to me) to be ways of her exerting control and doing exactly what she wants. I think it's also a way of her binding Ddog to her - only she understands his needs, he can't be away from her.

I have a way of interacting with my cats that I think is very northern - I adore them and they know it, but I'm very sarcastic when I talk to them and refer to them as things like "house-goblin," "shit bag" and "hell beast."

DM really struggles with the fact that I'm similar (a lot milder) with Ddog; I'll fuss on him and scratch his belly but say things like "What do you bloody want, you thing?" - it's just how I am with pets (now wondering if it's really weird!).

Ddog is supposed to get nothing except pure, unadulterated adoration and pampering. So maybe my behaviour is aggravating DM into being even more precious around her little prince?

I would never have that dog in my house ever again. Not for a single second. And I'd worm your daughter and everyone else in the household and boil wash everything, the dog drags his arse because he's got worms. Which she/you now may have too. Disgusting. I would fully let my mum cry and scream and sulk too, if it were me. A dog isn't equal to a human (and I do love my dog!). No. No way. You're letting it happen. Stop it all now.

He's about 5, I think. DM has often mused about getting him a friend, but has now decided it wouldn't be fair on him as "he wouldn't cope."

Dog sounds unhealthy if he has anal itches - that could be sorted with the vet. Humping cusions needs discipline - if DM is not applying it then move the cushions when she stays.
My DD's dog sleeps with her and has anxiety issues. This is fine by me when she visits. I don't see any issue with dogs sleeping on beds (apart from not liking my dog to do it with me!).
My dog sleeps in his upstairs crate - mainly because I like my shoes intact in the morning (only a puppy) and see above, but I leave him alone for a couple of hours at a time - have done so since I have had him and take him with me to dog-friendly places. Lots of pubs etc and cafes are now dog-friendly, and NT property gardens etc. are also dog-friendly - we leave dogs with DD's DP (not into houses) if we want to go round the house. NT properties often have dog-friendly areas in their cafes, too.
Your DM is lonely and her dog is her main companion and interest, and she loves it. All his foibles are caused by her, of course. You love her. Try to put up with her dog so she can visit you, and plan dog-friendly outings whenever you can.

"Try to put up with her dog so she can visit you, and plan dog-friendly outings whenever you can. Neither she nor her dog are here forever."

Having Ddog in the house has very much been a compromise on my part, so I can look after DM when she's not feeling her best. She knows I'm not a dog person and was previously more considerate than she now is - keeping Ddog under better control, ensuring he didn't impact on us and actually showing a bit of awareness.

But when you compromise for someone, and they start pushing boundaries - to the detriment of your pets' wellbeing and the hygiene of your home - surely it's time to draw a line? She's enraged when (even implicitly) asked to consider anyone's needs but hers and Ddog's, and is throwing strops that hurt both me and my DD.