For putting my foot down about DM's dog

[OhMyGodAChicken]

I'll preface this post by saying I'm not really a dog person. I like them well enough, grew up with them, and fuss on friends' pets, but I don't want one for myself. DM is convinced I hate dogs, most especially hers.

The latest situation culminated in her sloping off home from ours, where she's been staying (with dog), last night in a huff.

DM's life centres on this dog. She lives alone with him and he provides her with company and a reason to get out and about to meet people.

However, there's a list of his "requirements" (not sure how many are real, how many have been created by DM, and how many are just DM's claims) that makes it really hard work having him to stay with her - or actually doing anything much.

• He will only eat rotisserie chicken from the supermarket. It has to be served on the floor as he's "scared" of dishes.

• Likewise, he will only drink water from a glass, and it has to be refreshed three times a day. I've seen him gobble up cat food and water from my pets' dishes, and he eats literal shit when out on walks.

• He has to sleep in the bed with DM, so any bedding I put on the guest bed, I have to be happy for the dog to sleep in.

• He doesn't like the car and "can't be left", so any outings have to be short and/or near to DM's, and dog-friendly venues.

• He regularly humps cushions and blankets for 15-20 minutes. After he did it to my sofa cushions, DM brings a blanket he's allowed to hump. She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.

• He licks everything. EVERYTHING. "He's just a licker" - we're talking aggressive licking and slurping carpets, sofas, cushions, DD, the kitchen floor, any furniture he can reach. DM lets him lick between her fingers and toes for 15 minutes at a time.

• He drags his arse along the carpet regularly - "He's clean, he just has allergies and needs to itch."

The problem I'm having is that DM is at the point where she feels it's unfair for her dog to have to change any routines/behaviours when he's here. She locks my cats in the lounge because he chases them, serves his meals on the kitchen floor, allows him to chew and lick anything he pleases, and gets extremely defensive and angry if DD or I tell him to stop.

Yday evening, I was getting to my wit's end with it. He'd chased the cats twice, wouldn't stop licking anything and everything, and was dragging his arse across the lounge floor.

Any look or comment was met with barely contained fury by DM, who eventually (because I'd literally turned my head to look at what the slurping noise in the middle of the kitchen floor was) said "Fine, if you won't stop going on about it, I'll take him home - come on, [DDog]."

I pointed out that I didn't think it was unreasonable to not want him licking everything or scraping his literal arsehole across the carpet repeatedly, but she's in a major huff now and has said she no longer feels comfortable at my home.

AIBU? Are these normal dog behaviours people tolerate in their houses? Is this just to be expected/accepted when a relative comes to stay and won't leave their dog with someone else?

I'm feeling hurt and defensive that DM has prioritised the dog over me and DD (as it feels to me) but she's obviously hurt too. Would welcome any outside perspectives on this.

No no no!!!! I’ve had dogs all my life and currently have 2 cockerpoos and no way would I allow this!!! It’s disgusting and it’s her that’s projecting all this on the dogs ffs!!! I’d ban him from the house, it’s so unhygienic!!

Just a quick update for posters who've come on recently: DM, as expected, has an excuse for everything (except the things she chose to ignore) and has frostily "respected [my] decision" to not bring DDog to my house again.

I'm now getting the silent treatment, which is fine - I'm not a child anymore and it's not going to achieve anything for her.

The issues as explained by DM:

Itching (including the arse): apparently it's hayfever and she's already got him meds for it; he has his anal glands expressed every couple of months at the vet's.

Licking: "The vet says he has doggy ADHD, there's nothing I can do."

The chicken diet / humping: [No comment]

The separation anxiety: "Even the vet called me to pick him up after surgery because he doesn't do well out of his home environment." - no comment as to why he's as neurotic as he is.

So, in short, she's not going to change anything and doesn't like the fact that she can't bring the dog here, but can't force the issue.

Poor dog.

If I was that dog I would run away from home. The fried chicken could be a game-breaker but I could get some from the dumpster near the shop.

Sounds like it’s time to let her go again OP.

Silent treatment? Fuck that. Right back atcha then! She’ll get a surprise when she decides you’ve been punished enough and messages or calls and… crickets.

She is my mother it’s frightening! Down to the silent treatment as well.

Hers doesn’t have adhd but it does have a condition that makes it jump up repeatedly and there is absolutely nothing she can do about that.

Enjoy the silent treatment op. When my dm flounced I left her to it for 10 years. Managed 2 years of a brief awkward relationship then went nc again. Been 12 years since I saw her. Won't be contacting her again. Life is too short.

I'm sorry you can relate - it's horrible.

In terms of DM and her DDog, I don't for one second think there's nothing she can do to train the dog out of at least some of his awful habits.

She lets him lick her toes and fingers for 15 minutes at a time.
She allows him to lick the floors and furniture.
She lets him drag his arse across the carpet, and says nothing.
She sleeps with him in her bed and feeds him from the floor/glass.
Instead of telling him to stop humping, she brings him a blanket to use.
She swears he'll "only eat" rotisserie chicken, which is a lie.

Any attempt by anyone else to stop him doing any of the above is met with rage. She's definitely the problem.

I was out of contact for 13 years with DM. I got so much abuse throughout that time - nasty emails, public posts on my business FB page, tweets. Wherever I was online, she found it and harassed me.

I'm not quite sure why I'm back in touch. She's mostly fine, and my DD loves her. She's also apologised for being a complete shit during my childhood and younger years. I'm fine with having her around as long as she causes me no troubles.

But, I can definitely see the appeal of NC again. I wouldn't want to go through all the stress again, but if she were just suddenly not there anymore, it'd be OK with me. Really sad, but true.

Sending you love and peace for your situation - not that it sounds like you need it!

That's grim! All of it. I love dogs and have a large breed, honestly nothing like that goes on in our house. Probably she is lonely and has created things around the dog to feel needed.

I was out of contact for 13 years with DM. I got so much abuse throughout that time - nasty emails, public posts on my business FB page, tweets. Wherever I was online, she found it and harassed me

God all of that sounds so stressful, I can't imagine the hurt she's caused you

Visit at hers and if she asks to stay say “no, I dont
think dog is happy there “ and leave it.

Ime when your dc is old enough to grasp who dgm precisely is she will wonder wtf you let her be around her... You need to protect your dd from ever feeling like you do. I caught my dm whispering in corners with my dd's, asking them to keep secrets from me, calling them by their middle names because she didn't like their first names.. She made me feel like a small dc again. Felt bile in my throat by the end.... I withdrew and took dc with me. I told them sometimes people aren't who you first thought and she wasn't a good person to have in their lives...

I'm so sorry you went through that - it's a special kind of hurt, isn't it, when it comes from your mother.

I'm protecting DD and explaining the situation honestly to her, as I always have done. We'll be spending less time with DM in any case, I think, as she'll continue to put Ddog's (her own) needs before us.

Sending you love x

That is absolutely bat shit. I'm a 'dog person', I've had dogs as pets most of my life, I foster dogs for a charity and train them so they behave better and have an increased chance of being adopted. I have fostered and adopted several dogs that previously have only ever slept with their human in a human bed, and within a few days they were sleeping in their own bed downstairs. My dogs are trained to not go on the furniture, eat and drink from bowls, sleep in their own place downstairs (absolutely no sleeping or even being allowed on beds upstairs), no humping, etc. The licking and boot scooting will have a root cause (diet, anxiety, allergies or habit), that should be investigated by a vet. I'm going to guess all of those behaviours are things your mother has allowed/encouraged. The humping/ejaculation?? No words. You have been putting up with far to much but I understand why (it's your mum).
It's your home and you have your rules and standards. I would say to her calmly: About the situation with the dog staying, it's not working for us because of his behaviours. Don't allow discussion here. Say from now on, no sleeping over with the dog, if she wants to bring him for a visit she will need to bring bowls for it to use for eating/drinking and be contained in a room where there's no soft furnishings and the cats can't be chased by it. If she's unhappy with that then visits will need to be at her house. These behavioural issues are all controllable/could be mitigated by your mother taking action (vet advice) and training, but she doesn't seem to want to make any compromises or changes.

Tell your Mum from now on you'll visit her at her house. You'll of course be taking the cats with you so her dog will have to be put in a locked room out the way so he doesn't chase them. The cats only eat raw fish from the kitchen counters & will only drink fresh cream from a china cup, they will have a scratch post attached to the settee so they can scratch til their heart's content & their litter tray will be in the hall way as they have to be able to access it at any time during the day.
See if she agrees to all of their needs. If not, remind her of the demands she puts in place for her pooch at your home. She might reflect & see how unreasonable she's being.

Thank you for the sensible and sympathetic comments - this whole thing has upset me more than I realised, and it's nice to have some back-up - even anonymously on here! It's made me realise how ridiculous the situation was becoming.

She's been told: no more DDog here. His behaviours are an issue, and so is her attitude towards them - and me.

She maintains there's "nothing she can do" but we all know that's bullshit. There's nothing she wants to change, and that's up to her, but it's not something I'm interested in putting up with anymore.

It's easy to see how ludicrous the whole situation is when you put it like that. x

The dog is her baby.
It gives your DM a purpose.
She’s needed. She’s wanted.

Kid(s) have grown up and got their own lives with their own family.
Dog = needed.

I don’t agree with the way your DM is treating her DDog but I genuinely think it’s because she just loves it so much that she doesn’t understand that she is abusing the poor animal.

When my Nan was alive my mum and I moved in with her when I was 16.
over time we adopted our neighbours cat as they split up and was selling the house, both wanted the cat.
When my nan’s mental health deteriorated that cat was her baby.
I remember one night the cat was clawing at the door to get out of nans bedroom and I let the cat out and I’ll never forget the look on her face as she said to me, “but she’s all I have”. I felt like the biggest cunt in the world for the emotion that I just put in to her.
I tried explain that the cat wasnt happy with being shut in the room and was trying to escape but she was inconsolable.
My Nan had dementia at the time and she wasn’t very mobile but she followed that cat around daily when she was indoors. She was an ‘out’ cat too which made the whole ‘kept in a room’ thing even more upsetting for the cat.

Im not saying your DM is senile. I can just really relate to the affection/relationship

sounds like he needs his anal glands done (a vet or a groomer, or relatively competent dog owner can do this. you don't NEED to put your finger up their bum)
worming. the bum dragging may be down to his glands, or may be worms.
a better diet. sounds like he may have food allergies making him itch and lick incessantly.

You've just given me (yet another) reason to never have a dog... 🤢🤢🤮

Personally I'd show her this thread. Poor fucking dog man. Might sort out all of the issues, including you getting some peace from her for a bit.

Just a wee update for anyone interested - DM is sulking down at her house. We haven't spoken on the phone since this happened, nor do we text much anymore.

She had my daughter overnight once, which I was grateful for, but seems to have ditched any boundaries I'd previously put in place as revenge: in the space of 24 hours, DD was fed two bowls of chocolate ice-cream with a full size Kit-Kat each time, pizza, chips, two bags of popcorn, a chocolate pastry, and they made a tray of chocolate cupcakes. This is after I'd made it clear to DM that DD is limited to one small treat a day.

DDog is still on his usual diet of water in a glass and rotisserie chicken, and DM has told DD that "I can't see you as much anymore because I'm not allowed to come to yours anymore."

I think we're circling the drain at this point, and I won't be sending DD again for quite some time 😔

I know I shouldn't laugh but was actually snorting while reading the dog's 'needs'.

The humping/licking/arse dragging really isn't normal. I only have girl dogs admittedly but it sounds like he needs to be 'done', and also that he has swollen anal glands and possibly some kind of allergy.

She really does seem to have a poor me complex and I genuinely feel awful saying that.

I am sorry you have an manipulative bitch as a mother - she should have been delighted to have dd overnight, instead she took the piss.