For putting my foot down about DM's dog

[OhMyGodAChicken]

I'll preface this post by saying I'm not really a dog person. I like them well enough, grew up with them, and fuss on friends' pets, but I don't want one for myself. DM is convinced I hate dogs, most especially hers.

The latest situation culminated in her sloping off home from ours, where she's been staying (with dog), last night in a huff.

DM's life centres on this dog. She lives alone with him and he provides her with company and a reason to get out and about to meet people.

However, there's a list of his "requirements" (not sure how many are real, how many have been created by DM, and how many are just DM's claims) that makes it really hard work having him to stay with her - or actually doing anything much.

• He will only eat rotisserie chicken from the supermarket. It has to be served on the floor as he's "scared" of dishes.

• Likewise, he will only drink water from a glass, and it has to be refreshed three times a day. I've seen him gobble up cat food and water from my pets' dishes, and he eats literal shit when out on walks.

• He has to sleep in the bed with DM, so any bedding I put on the guest bed, I have to be happy for the dog to sleep in.

• He doesn't like the car and "can't be left", so any outings have to be short and/or near to DM's, and dog-friendly venues.

• He regularly humps cushions and blankets for 15-20 minutes. After he did it to my sofa cushions, DM brings a blanket he's allowed to hump. She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.

• He licks everything. EVERYTHING. "He's just a licker" - we're talking aggressive licking and slurping carpets, sofas, cushions, DD, the kitchen floor, any furniture he can reach. DM lets him lick between her fingers and toes for 15 minutes at a time.

• He drags his arse along the carpet regularly - "He's clean, he just has allergies and needs to itch."

The problem I'm having is that DM is at the point where she feels it's unfair for her dog to have to change any routines/behaviours when he's here. She locks my cats in the lounge because he chases them, serves his meals on the kitchen floor, allows him to chew and lick anything he pleases, and gets extremely defensive and angry if DD or I tell him to stop.

Yday evening, I was getting to my wit's end with it. He'd chased the cats twice, wouldn't stop licking anything and everything, and was dragging his arse across the lounge floor.

Any look or comment was met with barely contained fury by DM, who eventually (because I'd literally turned my head to look at what the slurping noise in the middle of the kitchen floor was) said "Fine, if you won't stop going on about it, I'll take him home - come on, [DDog]."

I pointed out that I didn't think it was unreasonable to not want him licking everything or scraping his literal arsehole across the carpet repeatedly, but she's in a major huff now and has said she no longer feels comfortable at my home.

AIBU? Are these normal dog behaviours people tolerate in their houses? Is this just to be expected/accepted when a relative comes to stay and won't leave their dog with someone else?

I'm feeling hurt and defensive that DM has prioritised the dog over me and DD (as it feels to me) but she's obviously hurt too. Would welcome any outside perspectives on this.

I suggest therapy.
For the dog.

This is really helpful advice, thank you.

I call DM out on anything racist / bigoted at the time, and have completely shut her down in front of DD. I've also had in-depth conversations with DD one-on-one about how we'll be spending less time with Grandma because she's being racist.

Baby currently baking is white, but to me, that's more reason to keep DM's bigotry out of DD's life - I'm not having DD feeling like the odd-one-out in an otherwise white family.

Will definitely be limiting contact.

I don't think she's ever been quite 'right' mentally - my childhood was absolutely horrible, and she has some really tricky aspects to her personality: lying, dogmatism, controlling behaviour, problematic views on sex and race.

She's made a real effort in some ways over the last few years - particularly with my DD - but I think the fact is that she doesn't actually like me very much and finds it difficult to relate to me.

The respect she shows me is definitely waning - snippy little 'jokes' are creeping in, and situations like this one with DDog are showing where her priorities are.

Just to update — and say thank you again for all the helpful advice from PPs.

After a frosty few days of DM pretending we’re not cross with each other, she did the whole “Are you ok? Are you annoyed with me?” thing.

I told her that I was hurt and angry, and listed the issues mentioned on this thread. She was very defensive and had an answer for everything — as expected — but I’ve said the dog can’t come to the house again, both because of his behaviours and the fact that she sees her arse if I object to them.

Shes accepted it because there’s not really much else she can do, but I sense things will be tetchy for a while. Still, big girl pants hoiked up, boundaries set, dog banished!

Cheers, Vipers x

good for you - and it has the added benefit of you not having to see her that much as she favours the dog over you and the grandchildren (as does mine - well her dog and Facebook to be honest) my. I wonder how many mums who are mental about pets were also quite lacking mothers - I would think a lot of them !

Sorry there is no other words for this than Fuck and That. This dog would not be welcome in my home. Drinking from glasses, dragging his anal glands on the carpet, licking everything, and a dog spunk blanket? That is beyond grim.

Anal gland problems etc are now generally thought to be part of an allergy problem and feeding him only chicken will be doing him no favours, even if not a chicken allergy, chickens are fed grain so a dog with a grain allergy will also have problems but lack of fibre etc will also be a problem.
i have a few dogs of my own and fostered many and none of the behaviours you are describing (apart from sleeping in the bed) are acceptable. He’d drive me potty within minutes and I love dogs, but she needs to remember he is a dog, not a person is a furry suit.

I love dogs and have always had dogs as pets. But I wouldn't put up with that at all. My pup licks the couch,she gets told to get down and that stops it. As for humping everything, I honestly couldn't deal with that, It's purely down to her not training the dog or telling it off for behavioural issues. As for dragging it's arse across the carpet, it probably needs it's anal glands done or it has worms 😷 basically,she's spoiled the dog rotten

The problem is not the dog but your MIlL. Ridiculous. Get her told. It's your house and family. Tough luck if she's upset she needs to be!

I’m so sorry, this is clearly traumatic for you but I was dying with laughter 😂 no it’s not fucking normal for all dogs and no all owners don’t put up with this. I think the owner of this dog is incredibly rude and selfish! My dogs do not display any of the behaviours listed but in my house they go where they want, I don’t care I love em. When I go to family they’re confined to hard floor areas, I don’t love it but it’s their house so I respect the rules of their house. When people come to mine, it’s mine and the dogs house, they deal with it, within reason of course I’ll tell them to get down if they’re on the sofa with someone who doesn’t want it but it’s just common decency and respect I would of thought. Same as kids, they abide by the rules of the house you visit and if you don’t like it? Don’t go round. Simple.

I knew the dog would be a Chihuahua! Or part of 😁

If that dog is getting erections, I’m not 100% sure it has actually been castrated

As expected, DM had an excuse for everything.

She missed my scan because she had to take the dog out otherwise he’d mess.

The dog licks/humps because “the vet says he has doggy adhd” and nothing will stop it.

No comment on the rotisserie chicken diet despite me pointing out how unhealthy it is and how it could be making him worse.

The dog scratches because “the vet says he has grass allergies and he’s on tablets for them.”

No comment on why the dog is allowed to chase the cats, sleep in bed with her, and has to eat from the floor/drink from a glass.

Ive told her that, more than his behaviour, it’s her attitude that’s the issue — and that I won’t be tutted and huffed at in my own home for not wanting to tolerate his behaviour.

Haven't gone through comments so may be repeating or missed info.

So the chicken thing, some dogs are sensitive/fussy with food however if hes scoffing cat food thats your mother not the dog. Feeding on the floor, again thats your mother. Its worth noting chicken is a fairly common allergen for dogs.

The arse dragging. Might be allergies (from the chicken?), might just be an itch, could be habit. Guessing its probably anal gland related / chicken allergy though.

Refreshing water, standard really. But a glass? Like a wine glass or glass bowl?!

Sleeping in the bed, mine do. I have no issue. They are cleaner than kids to be honest 😂

Car thing is common but will never get better if she doesnt try. Separation anxiety, again needs worked on.

The licking could be anxiety related, but some dogs are just "licky".

The humping thing, he needs neutering.

Chasing cats is natural, either let the cats and dog sort their hierarchy (if thats a safe option) or I do agree with keeping them separate/shutting them in different areas.

In short, i think your mums the issue not the dog 🙈

It is your house, your rules! Personally, I'd offer to take the dog for a while and treat and train it as it should be to prove its her doing. Then if she won't continue it, either report her to the dog warden with evidence or rehome it permanently. All of it is sortable (should never have happened) given consistency and time, but not with your mum not seeing issue with it. Sometimes letting it do too much untrained is as bad as neglect. I feel for the dog, tbh x

Sort of took this to be lighthearted mostly and enjoyed the way it’s written, but this part is sad “I actually cut off contact with DM for over a decade from my twenties to thirties because of her behaviour towards me. We've been back in contact for about five years, but there's no real mother-daughter affection there.” She doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, the children or your home.

The rotisserie chicken (no wonder he has an itchy butt/allergies) not to mention it’s unhealthy… but the fact she presumably just put this on your kitchen floor would give me the rage. Plus the licking of hands/feet/humping would drive me mad. This. This!!!!! 😤 is why people don’t like dogs- because the humans that own them don’t train them and don’t respect other people’s boundaries.

Dog jizz in the baby’s cot really makes me want to own a dog mmm hmmm. Must be amazing.

I would say your DM’s dog could be anxious, overstimulated or frustrated. Licking things excessively and humping behaviours are signs. Behaviourist would be a good idea. Anal glands need sorting at the vet.

JFC this dog needs rescuing, his diet is terrible which is probably the cause of dragging his bottom across the floor.

I 'd tell DM that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she is neglecting the dog. She shouldn't own a dog if she won't train it and take care of it's health. I'd clean my house from top to bottom and not allow the dog inside again. Only meet outdoors if DM has the dog with her.

Dragging arse along carpet is potentially anal glands issue, I’ve had one do that and his glands needed to be squeezed, fairly disgusting. I doubt it’s allergies, although chicken is an extremely common allergen for dogs, so much so that I’ve taken mine off it after much obsessive chewing of just one paw.

Being scared of dishes may be correct, we had stainless steel for the current dog, he flinches if he accidentally scoots it across the floor, so we swapped for a heavy ceramic bowl so it doesn’t move.

Not wanting a dog which licks everything and humps your soft furnishings is perfectly normal! I would ask her to leave him in a kennel next time. I wouldn’t take mine anywhere if it were that anti-social.

Anal glands you say?

The constant licking could be due to unbalanced diet. He can’t get everything he needs from rotisserie chicken. The behaviour she tolerates or doesn’t see as a problem is not reasonable and also not good for the dog. She should be consulting a behavioural vet to help him with his anxiety and obsessive behaviours.