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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

233 replies

Theworldisyouroyster · 03/09/2024 10:50

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

OP posts:
bubblesandlight · 03/09/2024 11:01

why did your physio do that left you unable to walk?

budgiegirl · 03/09/2024 11:04

Hmm, I'm not sure you should be 'grateful' as such, partners are supposed to help each other.

But is your leg so bad that you can't move about at all? Are you bed bound? If so, then yes, your DH should be home and looking after your 3 yo. But if you can hobble about, get to the bathroom etc, then I think you should be just muddling through the best you can. If that means a day of TV, iPad and snacks for the 3yo while you sit on the sofa, then so be it. Unfortunately that's just part of being ill when you are a parent.

HamHands · 03/09/2024 11:05

I think that I would ask my partner to prep breakfast, snacks, packed lunch and dinner but expect that he would still go to work in this situation. If they are potty trained but not able to use a toilet alone then I would get the potty out again. A day indoors with a 3 year old and perhaps a bit more screen time than usual as a one-off isn't a big deal. 3 year olds are capable of grabbing a drink flask or snacks themselves if they accessible. They could even bring a packed lunch to you if left on a dining table or something.

That said, my DH would definitely have taken the day off for me if I'd asked for it. He wouldn't grumble.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/09/2024 11:06

I would be very concerned your physio is making it worse!

Izzymoon · 03/09/2024 11:08

The reality is with just one partner earning an income they can’t be flippant about days off. You having a sore knee is him taking an unpaid day off which not only impacts the finances but also how he comes across at work.
If you were being sick all day it’s reasonable for him to take time off to look after your DV but there’s no reason you can’t do drawing, playdo and watch a movie today with a 3 year old.
She’s 3, not a baby who’s going to cry if they aren’t carried around all day!

Leavesandacorns · 03/09/2024 11:08

I'm very much in favour of SAHMs needing sick days. My DH looked after our 3 and 1 year old last week when I had a bug. But I'm not sure I'd expect/want him to miss work in this scenario.

I think I'd have just done a day at home and had DH prep lunch/snacks so I didn't need to faff with preparing food.

holju · 03/09/2024 11:09

Of course he should take the day off. If you were a paid childminder you wouldn't be able to work with a combo of no sleep and this injury, and it sounds like you need to rest. Most work places have emergency days for childcare issues nowadays anyway.

Original poster
Theworldisyouroyster · 03/09/2024 11:09

Thanks everyone - really useful to hear other people’s points of view.

Yes I am not best pleased with my physio! He asked me to crouch down and transfer weight from one leg to another and my knee went then so it wasn’t entirely caused by something he did but I did express reservations that it may make things worse again.

I guess the wider context is that I feel like I’ve struggled through lots of those days now and this one has coincided with my mental health taking a real knock as well so I hoped he would sense that I really needed him to step up- but maybe I should have been clearer about that. Normally I do agree that as a SAHP you kind of have to crack on and work through various ailments!

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 03/09/2024 11:09

Do you not have bills to pay/food to buy?
Yes it's hard coping with a toddler and injury. How many days off can your dh take until your better. What if it flares up again every 3 weeks? Do you expect him to take days off then as well?

Humdingerydoo · 03/09/2024 11:13

To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever had a 'sick day' in my years of being a SAHM but I would fully expect my husband to step up if it was needed and it was possible for him to do so. I tend to somehow save being sick for when he's away on work trips and therefore unable to help. Caring for an exclusively breastfed baby through Norovirus was a particularly low point in my life 😂

Didimum · 03/09/2024 11:15

Izzymoon · 03/09/2024 11:08

The reality is with just one partner earning an income they can’t be flippant about days off. You having a sore knee is him taking an unpaid day off which not only impacts the finances but also how he comes across at work.
If you were being sick all day it’s reasonable for him to take time off to look after your DV but there’s no reason you can’t do drawing, playdo and watch a movie today with a 3 year old.
She’s 3, not a baby who’s going to cry if they aren’t carried around all day!

Why is it unpaid – he can take annual leave.

babyproblems · 03/09/2024 11:15

@Theworldisyouroyster you’ll get some shitty replies for being ‘grateful’ and probably hauled over the coals for being a sahm on here🤣😅 but I will say- of course you’re not unreasonable to ask for help when you need it. Remember whether you’re working or at home doing childcare, you are contributing to your household and are equal team members… if he won’t take up the job when you are ill, book a babysitter and take the money from your joint finances. Remember- you are a TEAM. Hope you feel better soon and change physio!! x

Didimum · 03/09/2024 11:17

Sounds as if you've got a bit of a crap husband there. If he has genuine concerns about finances or missing time when his workload is heavy, then he can come and discuss it with you and come to a solution – like the loving partnership you're meant to be. Instead he is sulking because he likely just doesn't want to spend time looking after his child.

NoKnit · 03/09/2024 11:17

Thing that I think is the problem here is that you hobbled out of the surgery. Did you tell him how bad it was then? You need to communicate it properly with him with words not by actions and expressions of pain. He just understands you in agony, he can't do much.

However you tell him the next morning to take day off, that is something you could have discussed with him the night before so he had time to prepare and possibly let his colleagues know. Don't you remember what working was like? If it's suddenly announced you can't go in and do what you need to do then that is stressful for him.

I'm a SAHM and all in favour of sick days but you have to be clear and give as much notice as possible. Although I give my husband warning and it falls on deaf ears most of the time. Once I had to call him from doctors saying I was being transferred to hospital to stay until further notice. He did jump into action and has learned from it I think

5128gap · 03/09/2024 11:24

I think you're looking at this unfairly. You speak of him 'stepping up' as though you want him to stay home rather than go to the pub. He's already stepped up, he's going to work to earn the family income, not stepped down and off on his jollies. Whether he is able to take the day off for this without negative consequences depends on factors beyond his own willingness. Where I work he would need to ask for dependents/parental leave for this and that's not given in limitless amounts. Unless his employer is generous its a good idea not to use it unless there's absolutely no option.

Original poster
Theworldisyouroyster · 03/09/2024 11:25

Thank you @babyproblems I’m honestly open to hearing peoples thoughts and I do get that it’s not a simple case. I really do acknowledge the privilege of being a SAHP and I try to support and prioritise my husband’s work whenever I can.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you talk about being a team. It’s been a really hard year for us and I think I just really wanted some love and empathy in that moment. I probably agree with a lot of previous posters about trying not to take sick days and weighing up other options but today I just wanted to be put first rather than being lectured about appreciation at 6am on very little sleep!

I think we both could have communicated better and I will absolutely be finding a new physio! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Theworldisyouroyster · 03/09/2024 11:27

Hi @NoKnit I did try to lay the groundwork for it the night before and say that I didn’t know how I would parent the next day if it was still that bad and he might need to take some
time off.

I probably do need to be clearer in my communication though and it’s something I am working on 🙏

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/09/2024 11:28

Of course he can't take a day off. He is the only earner in your house. Book your child into an extra few days at nursery or get a childminder.

Wells37 · 03/09/2024 11:34

I wouldn't expect him to take a day off. I would expect him to make sure I had everything I need for the day though. Pain killers from the chemist and make lunch for you both before he goes.
I would just rest as much possible and let toddler watch tv.

circular1985 · 03/09/2024 11:36

If I was ill or unable to move I know my dh would take a sick day or annual leave. I certainly know for sure that if it was the other way around my dh would not cope with a toddler and not being well/ able to move. So he would expect me to be flexible.

I don't get people saying- he has to pay this bills. He will get paid for annual leave and possibly a sick/ carers day. Everyone should try and leave a few days annual leave in case of emergencies (if they don't have an otherwise flexible job or good sick/ carers entitlement).

Izzymoon · 03/09/2024 11:36

Didimum · 03/09/2024 11:15

Why is it unpaid – he can take annual leave.

Show quote history

Many places won’t grant annual leave on the morning of, it needs to be requested and approved in advance.**

Original poster
Theworldisyouroyster · 03/09/2024 11:37

Thanks for the replies - I’ll be charging the tablet and stocking up on snacks for tomorrow!

OP posts:
5128gap · 03/09/2024 11:44

circular1985 · 03/09/2024 11:36

If I was ill or unable to move I know my dh would take a sick day or annual leave. I certainly know for sure that if it was the other way around my dh would not cope with a toddler and not being well/ able to move. So he would expect me to be flexible.

I don't get people saying- he has to pay this bills. He will get paid for annual leave and possibly a sick/ carers day. Everyone should try and leave a few days annual leave in case of emergencies (if they don't have an otherwise flexible job or good sick/ carers entitlement).

Depends on the job. Lots of jobs don't allow last minute annual leave to it would need to be another type which may have to be unpaid. There is no right to paid parental or dependents leave, its at the employers discretion. He can't take a sick day unless he lies that he's sick.

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 11:51

@Theworldisyouroyster What are you going to do the day after tomorrow though? Or the day after that? If your knee injury is that bad then one day isn't going to make much difference?

I feel that if he took the day off sick (which isn't great really as it's not a sick day) then you would expect him to do it more often and use it as a back up for when you're not feeling great which isn't possible if he's the only earner...

Lunde · 03/09/2024 11:53

Have you had an MRI to confirm the injury?

"Testing it with physio" may be the wrong thing to do if it is a severe injury.

I had a knee injury that originally was poorly diagnosed as "maybe a small ACL tear" and they had me going physio exercises, trying to climb stairs with crutches and "walking is good". Then I had a MRI and it revealed that the injury was much, much worse that they had assumed - I got a panicked call from an orthopaedic specialist who ordered me to be 100% non weight bearing for 12 weeks ... and that was just the start.