Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

It is not that easy. Most sessions at the nursery I am just starting my son at are fully booked until next May and I doubt I would be able to increase from what I have now.

Sending love @SoOriginal ❤️ I hope you feel better soon xxx

As far as I’m aware we’re only entitled to 15 free hours so she’ll be doing two full days at nursery from next week. We’re absolutely happy with that and don’t expect any more - I am normally very happy being a SAHM except in these rare circumstances. I will definitely try and build up a bit more of a support network - babysitters/other mums etc. Thank you for the advice x

He’s the sole income. Can you afford a day off with him unpaid? What did he have on work wise. Ringing boss Monday and saying I can’t work is never easy. If he loses his job you are stuffed.
She’s 3. Presumably your home is childproofed. Yes day may involve more sitting in front of tv but you could sit and colour/craft with her. Sit on sofa and play dolls etc. Husband could have prepped food if you can’t move eg packed lunch x 2, snacks out for her, water bottles and flask.
Also presumably you have built mum friends. Time to call in a favour you can repay - if someone could take her for a couple of hours.

Obviously he would have to take time off work if you were e.g. D&V/infectious, but no I don't think he should have to take an emergency day off for a sore knee (although commiserations, I'm sure it's shit). If it was possible for him to work from home, then yes, that absolutely.

Dose yourself up on painkillers, have a TV and sofa day with the child, and let him save his annual leave for something far more interesting (and avoid looking flakey at work).

Utterly ridiculous. Being a SAHM is your job. You are allowed to be unwell and unable to do your job.
Should he be grateful when he takes a days sick leave? Or should he be forced to look after your daughter alone all day?

He gets the privilege of never having to take leave to cover school holiday/child sickness or worry about assemblies, sports a days, pick ups/drop offs or all the other things that kids need! Unfortunately this means when you are ill he steps up.

What kind of job is going to sack you because you take one day off for childcare? If that was genuinely the case then I don’t think being a Sahm an option as the partners job clearly so insecure she needs to get one too. OP says he will get paid anyway so not sure what the problem is.

Thank you - his job is definitely secure (as much as any can be) not that it means we would take advantage of that, but the very occasional last minute day off isn’t an issue.

Jeez, it really is a man's world. If you were also working full time and your child was in nursery, he'd have had to take far more than 2 days off to cover DD's relentless sick days.

One day of parental leave when he has a 3 year old isn't going to cost him his job.

Sorry you haven't been supported on this, OP.

I agree with other posters. I think you could have muddled through in this situation. Especially as he is the sole earner. I think if you were suffering something debilitating like norovirus that would be different

Thank you @plantingandpotting and previous two posters! I was actually going to say something similar (although sensed it wouldn’t go down well!) couples that we know who both work have both ended up taking more time off due to nursery bugs and inset days. Plus having to adapt their work hours for drop offs and pick ups. Obviously this is often necessary and I am in no way saying either situation is morally superior but it has made work logistics ‘easier’ for my husband. That can be true and I can also appreciate that he works incredibly hard in a stressful and high pressured role (which he does love) so I am still very grateful it allows me to be home with our little one.

Put your child in a year round nursery and get yourself a part time job. It must be insufferable to be solely responsible for your child all year round with no help from your partner and no income of your own.

I think unfortunately that if you choose a family structure where one parent works and one parent stays at home then it becomes very difficult to facilitate sick days for the stay at home parent.
Employers are not always particularly supportive about taking leave to care for your kids and if they know there is a SAHP they are likely to be even less sympathetic. Also (& this sucks) they are often less flexible with dads than with mums as there is a lot of underlying assumption that picking up childcare is mum’s job.
I think probably he’s not unreasonable to say he can’t take a day off at no notice if you could cope by shoving your kids on a tablet or in front of the TV. I also think if your knee has been a problem all summer and remains one you may need to try and find some additional regular childcare. I also think he is unreasonable if he didn’t do all he could to make things easier for you today (sort food/any extra childproofing needed so you could mainly sit on sofa, suggest he tries for an early finish/wfh for part of day if available and do everything household/child wise on return from work). I hope you are feeling better soon. It’s so hard looking after kids when you are not well

I'll be honest, I would roll my eyes if a colleague took time off because his wife had a knee sprain.

It's also a fairly long term injury so is it really just going to be one day?

As others have said, I'd expect him to help me set things up so I could manage in a fairly small space for a day or so and have a day colouring in, doing jigsaws and watching telly with three year old with my leg up.

of course you haven’t!

You’ve had to ask for his help for one day in three years. This tells me that you’ve managed through many days where you don’t feel your best.

Your request for your husband to help for own day today should have made him realise from past history, how bad you are feeling and he should have been more empathetic.

I work full time … I certainly expect that if my husband needed me to help him because he was ill, I would do what I could as we are a team and I love him.

Your husband needs to be more appreciative of you.

If the same happened to him presumably he would have to take sick leave and get to put his feet up while you looked after your child/the house.

I've been in your position and do sympathise. I think communication as a couple is key (re: each other's needs) to avoid resentment building up.

Try if you can to build up a support network beyond him though - neighbours, family, other parents, more paid support. This might become easier once your child is school age but you really do need practical and emotional back up as a parent.

Does he have any capacity to WFH as an alternative to taking the day off? I've had days when unwell where I can cope with 70-80% of the childcare but it's helped to have another pair of hands with toileting stuff/making meals etc. - in these instances husband WFH.

It's none of your business if a colleague needs to take leave to trim their bloody toenails.

There has to be a balance here though. We're lucky to both have jobs that allow short notice holiday bookings, so we're able to cover each other.

But if men aren't socially permitted to step up for their families, then society will be continue to be subtly fucked by an overdependency on women for everything.

(On balance, ideally this would be a half day in my household, with prep to help you sort out the day easily.)

OP you are not wrong for wanting your partner to support you. I think you need to have a proper discussion about the “protocol” for what happens if you need a sick day. He obviously expects you to push through and I think it’s important that you both agree how situations like this should be handled in the future. I assume if he needs a day off sick he can just take it and you continue to look after DC! Just because you are a SAHP doesn’t mean you push through everything all the time. I’m sure your DH hugely benefits from you being at home with DC.

If he really cannot commit to taking the odd day off to help you I would look into babysitters / nanny’s who could come at short notice to assist. Start establishing these relationships now so that you don’t find yourself short next time.

Is being a sahm working well for you op apart from the situation with your knee?

Thank you @Annabel28 for your kind words. Unfortunately his role is in the office 5 days a week and quite long hours - but there may be the option to dial in to meetings etc whilst he’s at home. He has one big meeting later so he may do that then and I’ll step in to watch our daughter.

Thank you @MummyJ36 - I’ve definitely taken away that I need to build up more of a support network as a SAHM! X

@wizzywig it is thank you! I love it. My daughter will start school next September so I am definitely thinking about next steps and getting back into work but knee problems aside it’s been the best job I’ve ever done x

Unrelated to your question you need a new physio. I’ve honestly never heard of anyone injuring themselves at the physio. That’s a staggering lack of professionalism.

I have been a SAHM at various times over the years. If I wasn’t capable of caring for the kids and they were incapable of caring for themselves then DH would stay home. He would never expect me to ‘expand my network’ so that he didn’t have to care for his own children! And he doesn’t expect anyone in his team to behave any differently to him. By enforcing these ridiculous expectations of working parents we just make it harder for everyone.

DH and I both work but also both have days when we're the 'at-home' parent. On those days, if the 'at-home' parent couldn't do that job, then the other parent needs to do it. We trust each other to be able to assess if we're fit to work.

It sounds like your husband might not give your work parity of esteem with his. What parenting does he actually do?

It's a lot of pressure with just 1 income, he should have been sympathetic and helped you prep for the day at least though.