Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

Thank you @Remaker - I was pretty shocked but have never seen one before so wasn’t sure what I should expect! He kind of just laughed it off and said that’s a shame as we thought it was getting better. I find it quite hard to attend sessions like that anyway and really pushed myself to go in order to fix the problem. I just hobbled out and paid for the session which my husband thought was ridiculous!

@Scirocco thanks for your insight, sounds like a good system. He is a great dad at the weekends and he generally does bed and bath time during the week. We each have a lie in on the weekend and try to keep things as fair as possible x

as a fellow sufferer of agonknee I reckon the sudden return to hellpain probably added to your emotional response. yes...you could perhaps of managed.but it hurts and it impcts your mood/mental health.

I would have had to soldier on i am afraid when my kids were little.....

Thank you @tolerable - it absolutely did - I was not my most rational self. I keep thinking it’s improved and when it comes back I feel so angry and disappointed in myself almost. Plus yes it is bloody painful!

I am usually such a hands on mum and had plans with a friend and their child today which I had to cancel and I’m just so upset for my daughters sake as she would have had a great time.

I do also have a bigger ongoing health issue (I’m hesitant to mention in case people think I’m drip feeding and it’s not relevant to this situation) but it is safe to say that my physical and mental health are pretty inextricably entwined at the moment.

Under the circumstances as you have no available childcare it might be an idea to find a more flexible nursery.

I am not unsympathetic I hope, but it sounds a bit indulgent to have him take a day off for your bad knee.

unless you are actually bedbound

but hobbling… well, don’t we all some days? And also, it’s unlikely to be cured by tomorrow so would he need to take a week off? A month? Two months?

you need medical support to get it looked at, and your DH needs to be sympathetic to you, and if you are longer term disabled you will need a long term child care solution

but him taking a day off is neither here nor there, it’s almost as if you want proof that he would do this for you if it was needed (even if today it was actually not)

Nobody would be expecting this of a man. If you’re injured you need help and rest, your needs actually do matter.

You obviously aren't aware of the real lack of available childcare. Luckily I have avoided the big waiting lists which you seem unaware of.

I don't think YABU for wanting him to be supportive - either he stays off without grumbling or he sorts out as much as he can to help you while he goes in. It really shouldn't be more difficult than that.

He can only go to work to earn the 'family income' because OP is at home doing the unpaid work of childcare and housekeeping.

He needs to step up and get his wife back on her feet, otherwise she can't continue to do the work that enables him to work.

Enable her lifestyle??? Doing all childcare and housekeeping? All that work she does for free? That enables him to work? Your internalised sexism is showing.

If you are unwell you are unwell. But I think it’s unreasonable for you to talk about having no childcare for summer - you are a SAHM!

Whilst I definitely empathise with you being in pain, I also wonder what kind of workplace he has and how amenable to him taking a last minute caring day off they are. Whilst they should be fine, let’s be honest some companies/managers are very funny about this unfortunately and make you feel uncommitted etc.

Hope you feel better soon.

Yeah, and I think it’s a potential safety issue, too. Once when my older daughter was three, she snuck out of the house while I was breastfeeding her baby sister. When you’re taking care of very young children, you need to be able to go after them if they take off.

@Scenty fair point! I guess I was just trying to say that it was an especially bad time for a recurring knee injury to kick in 😂 but that’s life sometimes.

I’m not sure there are sick days from parenting although I would expect DH to help out in terms of doing what he could around his job eg preparing a packed lunch for child, getting them dressed and undressed.

DH and I both work and both have different times when we are the primary parent because the other has something important on. Sometimes, unless in a state where you need acute medical care, you just have to manage despite illnesses and injuries.

I’m sorry that you’re in pain op, and I hope you get better soon.

Do I think you should have asked your husband to take a day off work for it though? Probably not. I think you should have coped fine and I’d possibly be a bit pissed off too if I were him.

I have quite an active job.
At home I sprained my foot so badly I couldn’t weight bear, but I borrowed a pair of crutches and took my husband’s automatic car to work to make sure I didn’t have any time off.

Work pays the bills and in order to progress and earn more, we have to take work seriously. Taking a day off because your wife hurt her knee and can’t cope with the toddler, doesn’t look great to me and I doubt it would have to your husband’s work place.

Glad to see that you’ve had a rethink going forward and will be charging the iPad and getting the snacks in.

If he's barely taken a sick day in 3 years YANBU to expect him to take one.
However as you mention other issues and this bad knee being ongoing.... Maybe it sets a precedent?

You're clearly not struggling for money though as you can afford nursery and physio as a SAHP.

It's not always that easy just to take a day off either in fairness to her husband - I'm the sole/main earner with a stressful job and yes to have to suddenly take a day leave paid or otherwise is stressful and difficult and you get little sympathy from employers when it's not your child that's ill but another adult in the household

Exactly. Mothers, SAHM or otherwise, are people with needs like everyone else.

Many places these days define it as sick/carers leave.
hugs op, it sucks being sick and a sahm, and when sometimes you actually do need help you should be able to ask for it. Just to counter the suck it up brigade, my dh didn’t take leave or help when I was sick when our first two were little without me insisting. I told him I had no intention of growing old with a man like that and we were done unless he changed. He pulls his weight with his children now. Statistically one or both of you as you get old are going to do at least a stint of caring for the other and there is no way I will do that for a man who has clearly shown he refuses to look after his small children when I’m sick, much less caring for me at all, so I meant every word.

What a shitty shitty attitude that is though- you’ve never asked him to take any leave so you never can as it might set a precedent.

If they both worked they could pay for childcare, SAHMs do really valuable work but it isn't like it would be impossible for either parent to work without one.

I am usually such a hands on mum and had plans with a friend and their child today which I had to cancel and I’m just so upset for my daughters sake as she would have had a great time.

Don't be so hard on yourself, a chilled day with screen time is fine if you aren't feeling great, it happens. It also sounds like one day won't make a difference as youre struggling with a few things which is understandable, think of things that would help and reach out for support.

@Theworldisyouroyster - i have anxiety disorder that results in me completely overtensing my body,it most definately does not aid recovery obviously.
i have been using this at night as i hate painkillers and they werent particularly helping. There is a part fairly early in where i catch myself total able to (do as he suggests)/i dunno..."let go" of the pain" i have woken today pain free. (that wont last /not cured,but its a start. might be worth giving it a try? "