Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

@Starlight1979 you’re right - it probably won’t make too much difference although I am hoping that by resting it and keeping it elevated it might improve slightly 🤞

This is the second time in 3 years that I’ve asked him to take a day off work when I’ve been unwell so I don’t think I make a habit of it. In hindsight maybe I could have pushed through today so I take that on board!

You say other health issues, how many days has he had to take over as you are unable to care for your child? You can’t help your issues but also it does impact your husband. You both need his job. As that’s what keeps a roof over your head. When he’s telling you it’s problematic for him you should listen .

I’m afraid when you said you needed love and empathy you lost me. You need him to habe a job more.

Is he self employed or does he still get paid for a sick day or parental leave? Can he work from home? He sounds like a bit of an arse really, lecturing you on being ‘grateful’

As you said, all you really wanted was some love and empathy and he fell way short.

Hmmm ok but you say you’ve had other health issues this year in your op. So why was that relevant?

You don’t take days off as your partner wants love and empathy. I mean wtf,

@Sunshineandtequila just one other day! I do appreciate that we all need him to have a job and I’m very supportive of his career. I fully acknowledge I might be feeling a bit emotional and self indulgent today! But I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect love and empathy from our partners- maybe I just went about it the wrong way this time.

Thing is OP, while it's quite possible that your H would just rather trot off to his office, adult company and lunch break than look after his 3 year old; from the other side of this, being the sole earner, particularly if working in a competitive not particularly supportive type industry can be pretty stressful. When I was the sole wage earner I was acutely aware that my families financial wellbeing rested solely on my doing well at work. The idea of having to take an unscheduled day off with the potential judgement from letting the team down, plus having to catch up on the work, would have been pretty concerning to me. If your H feels that way, it may say more about the job he's obliged to do to enable your lifestyle, and less than great employment conditions than about how much he cares for you.

I suppose I thought it was relevant because I was explaining that it’s been a tough year for us - but you’re right, not explicitly relevant to this situation.

He will still be paid for today as several people have mentioned it but I appreciate it’s also about the stress it causes and how he
comes across at work.

@5128gap - thank you for your message. I really do take it all on board. I try my hardest to remember that being the sole earner comes with a lot of pressure and stress and do my best to support him in that. May have missed the mark today!

Please don’t do that. No one remotely even indicated it was wrong to expect love and empathy, what’s being said is wanting your partner to take a day off to get it is, when you rely on him in that job to pay the bills.

@Lunde thank you for this message - I had an initial xray after I first injured my knee but my physio said we may well need to push for an MRI now as it doesn’t seem to be improving. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope your knee injury is much better now 🙏 x

I disagree with many other PPs. If you can't walk, I don't really see the problem with your husband taking a day off to help with an energetic 3yo. I guess it depends how difficult his boss is. I dislocated my knee a few weeks ago and was told to not walk on it at all for two days (we were actually on holiday at the time, but he would absolutely have had to take a day off otherwise!) That is not compatible with looking after a small child. After that I was more.able to hobble about and look after DD.

Tell me about it…

Today I am off sick from work with Hyperemesia gravidarum and Covid. I can’t go 20 minutes without a coughing fit and vomiting, haven’t eaten for days.
Our childcare fell through today as little one is also unwell and lo and behold, it’s me who is expected to pick up childcare! He’s far too busy at work of course.

If her DH is concerned about finances or workload he can come and speak to her about it like an adult instead of sulking and making digs. it appears he doesn't having anything to say about money or concerns he has himself – he just wants her to be 'grateful'.

@Sunshineandtequila - sorry if I misunderstood, I guess I was trying to explain that the whole conversation didn’t feel like it was coming from a place of love. Whether that resulted in him taking a day off or not. I could be being over sensitive but I was in a lot of pain and felt like the empathy for that was missing.

No of course not - but she can’t walk or look after their child, is that not enough for you either?

It's really shit caring for a kid when you're not right yourself. He should step up in an emergency. But also you should do as much as you can yourself - duvet day, painkillers.

If possible, you could find someone who will step in on days like this - family member or paid babysitter - students or nursery staff might do it. We've used bubble app before. You might find someone who would come to your house. Not cheap but ok as a stand in.

Hope your knee is much better now
@PlantDoctor ! And yes it is hard - I was a little concerned about being able to react quickly if a very energetic toddler was doing something dangerous for example. But I do know that other people would have to find a way around that situation and I am sure at a push I could have done too.

It's also handy to befriend other sahms - ask if they can have dd for a day/few hours and you repay the favour when you're on your feet.

Have you had xray or mri of knee or ultrasound to try to see underlying issue?
Put her more days in nursery
Contract a cleaner

This is such a tough one, really only you two can work out what works for you family.

DH and I started out on one side of the fence about and have over the years totally switched. When we first started being parents we basically said if adult A is sick and adult B needs to work then adult A needs to suck it up. Fast forward 5 years and now know it's just not that black and white. For starters it made it really unfair that if the working parent is ill they get a sick day where they can lie in bed, but the unsalaried parent doesn't get the same luxury which seems grossly unfair. SAHP's are working just as blooming hard, they should be able to cash in a sick day if needed.

This is now what DH and I use parental leave for. Yes it's unpaid, but it's not a very common occurrence. Sometimes you just really need a rest day otherwise the sickness is going to last longer than it would if you just push through.

I think you're being unreasonable because there are going to be quite a few days like this and he can't take them all.

I would be going low effort with childcare, cooking and cleaning - if he then moaned about this I would not be impressed.

I think that's pretty much the best way forward. And stock up on pain killers for your knee.

If your child is 3 they are entitled to a full time place in preschool 9-3. I would look in to getting that space booked asap.
As for him taking time off. Were you genuinely sick and unable to care for a child yes of course he should take the day off. In this instance a chronic sore knee should not require an emergency day off in my opinion. Though your physio sounds dreadful. I would make a GP appointment and get on the waiting list for a scan to find out what damage you have actually done