Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

Comparing private jets to a SAHM makes it even worse - absolutely nobody needs the former, so by way of analogy..

You know, in some cases it's absolutely true. If childcare costs far too much, or kids have severe SEN. It's impossible to work without a SAHP(M). That's why some single parents have to survive on benefits. They can't work even if they wanted to, with severely disabled children.

It's silly to compare their situations with someone who's a SAHP by choice, claiming that they enable the working spouse to do their job. That really depends on their respective earning potential and ability to outsource.

For me personally as a higher earning woman SAHP makes no sense (if my husband was a much lower earner). The more I earn the more is taken away in tax. Two lower earners on half my salary each (30K, so the national median, not squillions) take home more than I do not to mention pension, NI, etc.

Makes more sense for me to go PT, share the load, and pay for childcare, cleaner etc. Oh and claim benefits on the lower salary. Yeah my career will take a hit in the short term but with a dual income it's not that big of a problem. The financial system downstairs incentivise a single higher earner

IME few marriages have the earning partner truly seeing the SAHP as an equal, there's usually resentment. Justified or not? Depends on circumstances

I did something to my knee tendon, according to my GP, at the start of lockdown. No one would do anything. I was in agony.

I used a knee bandage and Voltarol, and it gradually eased. Meantime, I just hobbled about - I was carer to DH and had no option.

It’s doable, if painful. 🙂

Don’t be daft, why would I not like sahm. Good grief. What a silly comment. You’re just all over the place in trying to justify the value of a sahp. Whilst we are all saying it’s not required, as long as both parents value it that’s what matters. All these ludicrous hyperbolic situations is just embarrassing.

and I say that as one half of a high earning couple. Who both were able to manage our careers and have kids, whilst working. Like 80 percent of families .

He should have taken it as dependant leave. Paid or unpaid.

He won't though coz he's a man

It is only 'none of your business' if you are not required to pick up the slack and everybody stops and waits for the person to come back and then everybody happily resumes work. But in reality life goes on and people have to do the work of those who 'facilitate their sah partners, be they male or female.

I am also one half of high earning couple and it is certainly much much easier with a stay at home help or partner 🤷‍♀️

Are you really comfortable with the message to sole earners that they are paying for the private jet of childcare and housekeeping? Frankly I'd be very wary of a partner wanting to monetise my contribution as some sort of gold standard service. If they think they're paying for the best the next step is them demanding it.
SAHP are not their partners employees. They are not providing a professional service that the earner can dictate to their specifications. They are just one half of a couple who wants to stay home with their child, with a partner who either wants that too or is at least prepared to accommodate it.
Whether that's cost effective for the earner or not depends on their lifestyle (it's arguably more expensive to pay for every single need of another person if their lifestyle is at the higher end, big house in expensive area, expensive car, clothes, food, holidays, leisure, than to buy in services as needed) and how much is lost to the joint pot by the partner not earning. If that would have been a high end salary, then again, it probably isn't cost effective.
Its also always presented as though the SAHP does everything they do for the benefit of the working one, saving them personally the full cost of services. In fact the SAHP benefits equally from their own labour. They are caring for their own child, keeping their own home, cooking their own meals too. So only half of what they provide would be the partners 'liability' to replace.
Point is, trying to frame being a SAHP as a job with monetary value is fraught with issues and not at all reflective of what really boils down to people wanting to be at home with their child and their partner being fine with that, and in some cases where earning are low and child care high, because its cheaper. Which is fine and needs no further justification.

I'm really sorry but yes I think you're being unreasonable. He could have easily settled you on the sofa with food sorted for the day and you would have been fine. What on earth do you mean you wouldn't be 'safe' to look after a toddler? At 3 years old a child can follow instructions so they don't get hurt. You're being extremely precious. Norovirus etc I'd be completely on your side, but not this.

No one said it wasn’t easier with live in help. What was said was it wasn’t necessary. And it’s not.

I’m not sure no one would expect it of a man. I imagine if a woman posted saying her SAHP husband had asked that she stay home due to a sprain then the responses would be similar. I also think plenty of employers expect staff to turn up when sick (regardless of their sex) unless they are basically ready to be hospitalised or are throwing up. It’s not a good thing and it shouldn’t be that way but it’s a tad unfair to suggest it only applies to mothers. I also think more men wouldn’t take a day off work for a nasty sprain than would. Probably same for women.

You do realise that resting while sick or injured is a human right, you don't give up that right because your an SAHM.

What does he do when he's sick? I bet he just simply rests without a second though and you carry on doing what you do. Am I right?

If being SAHP is a privilege then so is having a partner who is one it makes their lives considerably easier. Believe me if it were that much of a burden to fund it then far fewer men would be agreeable to it, and many seem to be even though they then balk at their partner showing the slightest human need tif it inconveniences them a little.

(As an aside if working mum's are exhausted "doing it all" then they have a DH /Baby daddy problem , their hardship is not caused by SAHMs so no need to bitch about it)

I hope you recover quickly and when you do please make a medium or long term plan to go back to work, and make sure that the involves your husband picking up slack as you rebuild your working life. Don't make yourself vulnerable if it's not appreciated.

@ASimpleLampoon
"You do realise that resting while sick or injured is a human right, you don't give up that right because your an SAHM."

It's not though is it? It's nice but it's a privilege. What do you think self employed people do if they can't afford to take a day off? At the end of the day as PP have said SAHMs aren't employed - they don't have things that might seem like a given like annual leave or sick leave and their working spouses that do have them have criteria on when and how they're allowed to use them and taking a day to show empathy to your partner isn't one of the criteria.

I'm carer for my disabled son and also work. WFH but I work. I don't necessarily get time off when sick or ever but I still know it's my right and what I deserve.

Anything else?

So not a human right then...anything else? 🙄

I think some people in their desperation to argue the benefit of sahp are forgetting this is what the op wanted. She said she wanted to step back and stay home.and that’s great she got to do what she wanted. She isn’t doing it as some form of altruistic act to support her husbands career.

She’s not some 50s house wife.

He on the other hand doesn’t need her to stay home, nor has she said he requested she do so. Yes she needs him to work to pay the bills and allow her to stay home. That’s simply factual.

people don’t need to twist themselves into knots trying to say how much value she brings, how he couldn’t cope without her, couldn’t work, couldn’t afford ro replace her, it’s just silly, there is no need for it. She wanted to stay home, he’s happy for her to do so, there is no suggestion she’s doing it for him or he couldn’t work unless she did.

what she is doing is valuable to her, maybe valuable to her kid, her husband at times, that’s all that’s required.

Lots of women go SAHM or part time (guess what part time does to their career prospects?

Not sure how any woman can expect otherwise. Women choose to have kids, that comes with sacrifice. Industries move on and businesses want to employ the best people. A woman out of touch isn’t the best person. I would say that the majority of parenthood is based on the woman’s desire to be a mother. If a man desires it lies, he can sacrifice his career. But that rarely happens. So make your choice.

Yes of course. That's absolutely it. If someone is a loving, caring partner they don't guilt you or castigate you for having needs or asking for help. They talk it through with you and you jointly come to a solution. You don't sound like a needy person OP, just a person with needs which is entirely different.

In that way you feel supported and validated even if he can't help out every time. Ignore some of the nasty comments on here. If you're a SAHM on MN you're supposed to be on your knees kissing your partner's feet daily for bestowing this gift of cleaning his pants and making his life supremely easy apart from work.

Thank you for pointing this out.

My message above was in response to this one which didn't appear in my message for some reason.

Didimum · Yesterday 11:17
Sounds as if you've got a bit of a crap husband there. If he has genuine concerns about finances or missing time when his workload is heavy, then he can come and discuss it with you and come to a solution – like the loving partnership you're meant to be. Instead he is sulking because he likely just doesn't want to spend time looking after his child.

Thank you ❤️

I think this thread has slightly gone off on a tangent (which maybe I should have seen happening!) and left the original point which is that maybe I was unreasonable to expect him to take a day off and I could have muddled through. It’s turned into whether SAHP’s are valued/warranted and everyone’s entitled to their own POV on that topic. All I can say is that it works for us and we both appreciate what the other person contributes to our family and lifestyle. We actually had a really good chat last night and I feel even more sure in our decisions right now.

Have a good day everyone!

The self employed don't get paid sick or carers leave. And many people are on a self employed contract even if they mainly work for one customer

Ah the race to the bottom! How quickly we fall through the floor of the barrel!

How is it a race to the bottom to say a “sick day” isn’t a human right, and that sahp’s don’t have a legal entitlement to sick pay and annual leave? They are both straight facts.

Glad to hear it OP.

Hope your leg gets better soon.

Because the concept of a human right is aspirational and motivational not a matter of fact or law. Like words such as dignity, autonomy, compassion it speaks to our values and shared humanity.

Human rights by their very nature are exactly a matter of fact and defined in law.