Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

What a silly comment. What do you think single parents do. Stay home on the dole. Don’t you know 80 percent of families have two working parents, no one needs to stay home to allow the other to work. The 1950s called, they’d like you to come on home and stop roaming in the modern world.

To be fair he is facilitating you to stay at home, unless you’re independently wealthy as you need the bills paying. You on the other hand are not facilitating him doing anything as unless he’s a Low earner, which he clearly isn’t, he’d just get child care and a cleaner.

I don't know if SAHMs sa so much that they don't realise how difficult office dynamics can be for those who take days off. Yes, everybody would 'understand' and be 'empathetic' but in reality nobody likes to pick up somebody else's slack. Actions have consequences. A brilliant colleague had a seriously ill wife, and everyone was understanding, etc. He is 50 this year and still a senior associate. Nobody says anything, not a word, but everybody understands why it is this way.

If this is your only source of income, I would prioritise that source of income, because who knows, life can be weird and it is best to nurse a sore knee at home than for you to hobble to work on crutches, that is if work is available.

Is it? Because if he were ill or injured he would take a sick day and she would be expected to parent.

Why is it the norm that SAHP aren’t allowed the time to recover like working parents?

Well clearly because the sahp usually relies completely on the money the partner earns, they can’t survive without it, and most jobs you can’t just pull a sudden sickie with no negative impact.

do you not work, how was that even a question?

Also, this knee thing does not sound like it could be cured in one sick day off, does it? It needs to be looked at and addressed, the sooner, the better.

@Sunshineandtequila thank you for reducing my role in life to that. For what it’s worth I don’t think he believes he is facilitating me in any way or vice verse, we just love and support each other. Sometimes we get it wrong but we do our best. I think he’s very happy with my contribution to the life we’ve made together and appreciates the work I do, just like I appreciate everything he does.

Life happens. It’s a valid reason to be off, just as valid as flu or a funeral. Unfortunately that’s what happens when you have children.

Most jobs? What kind of jobs have you had?

Seems like one of us here has no real life experience with jobs and it isn’t me…

I have never taken a sick day and it had a negative impact on the stability of my income.

Because employers have a legal duty of care to their staff in a way that earning partners do not have towards their SAH spouse.

Ok I’ve just read this comment and it gives me a clear view on the kind of person you are.

He is not “facilitating” OP. They have made a joint decision as a family for her to stay at home. This makes life infinitely easier for him he will not have to do as much childcare/housework/life admin and his career will suffer much less than if they took a 50/50 role. This lack of respect for the role of a SAPH surely comes from either a bloke or someone who doesn’t have children.

I don’t understand why a sore knee would stop you looking after a 3 year old. They don’t need lifted etc like a smaller toddler.

Id be pissed off being told at 6am I needed to stay off cos DH had a sore knee too. And very unlikely to be able to sort it last minute.

But I think it’s actually about you wanting to feel valued isn’t it? Not really about the day off?

Yes, but it’s not a duty of care to the SAHP. He is a father, he is default caregiver when primary caregiver is unable to care. Much like if a single parent has to stay off work for a sick child. You wouldn’t catch the employer going “but it’s not YOU that’s sick, it’s your child!”

He needs to take the day off.

i have a medical issue and SEN dc . My dh used to not take days off it I was unwell so over time, my health worsened . Eventually he had to give up totally which wouldn’t have happened if I’d been able to rest when I was unwell

@Blueplasticbags thank you for your insight and I’m so sorry to hear about your ongoing medical issue, that sounds incredibly tough ❤️

Thank you ❤️

Yes my husband probably could outsource the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc and ‘manage’ perfectly fine without me but is that really how people go about creating a family together? We both rely on each other in different ways and take up the slack in different ways.

This morning was one argument that came from a lack of sleep and poor communication (from both sides) but if anything this thread has made me realise how lucky we are in lots of ways.

I’m a mother but I agree with the post you’re quoting. Yes the husband doesn’t have do as much around the home, but he now has twice the burden of financial security for the family. The stress of that cannot be underestimated.

^ should not be underestimated

Um, the husband can take annual leave.

As someone who has a chronic back condition do learn to refuse any requests from experts when you feel unsure.
I have had my symptoms exacerbated a couple of times by qualified physios.
Now I say ‘ I would prefer not to do this.’
And I don’t.

Reducing your role to what? I’m sorry but it is true, you cannot stay home unless someone pays the bills. He can work, without someone staying home. As he can outsource child care amd cleaning. isn’t a personal slight. It is simply factual. I’m sure you do love, appreciate and value each other.

What the heck kind of physiotherapist is that OP?! That doesn't seem right at all

Thank you @Sinisterdexter I definitely
should have done this in hindsight. Very frustrating that a 30 second exercise has led to excruciating pain, an argument with my husband, feeling bad for being laid up in bed all day and now an existential crisis from strangers telling me that my chosen lifestyle and the hard work I put into that is worthless 😂

I wouldn't go back to that physio. I have found are very much a mixed bag and some have no idea what they are doing and make things much worse.

Depends on job and leave policy. Some require weeks or longer notice for annual leave and min levels of cover in team.