Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

I think if you have recurring health issues you should be upping your slaughters childcare hours so you can rest up a little more.

Of course your dh should be open to taking unpaid or annual leave on occasion, its part and parcel if being a parent, but if your primary role is childcare and you have recurrent issues then i think you need to build in some resilience measures, be that extra hours, a babysitting service or family support.

It would be great if all employers were supportive to parents, but many aren't.
The places I have worked don't allow last minute annual leave requests, and taking a sick day for a partner's illness would be frowned upon.
But then some workplaces are much more accommodating, which is how it should be.
HIBU if his workplace is supportive but not if it's the kind of place he'd be castigated for it.

@Codlingmoths - thank you ❤️ and yes the precedent thing does feel a little like a catch 22!

I have no intention of making a habit of this - I do feel bad for having done it today as I know it’s tough for my husband and his colleagues. I think I just panicked as it’s quite scary to not be able to put weight on your leg and then picture a full day of childcare ahead. But I will rest up and be back on it tomorrow!

Sorry op as someone said what if it’s a regular thing? I personally wouldn’t see it as the same thing as having a bug or sickness

@GreatMistakes thank you - from next week my daughter will be in nursery two full days a week so I am hoping to use some of that time for rest/appointments etc.

It does sound scary and shit @Theworldisyouroyster - I expect your dh is disappointed the injury is back and so are you and it's simply another thing that's got you both a bit down. Miserable to have a child at the mobile and senseless age and not be mobile yourself.

Fingers crossed for things turning a corner. I feel parenting is always at its hardest when you're sick yourself.

When I dislocated my knee I spent my day watching movies with DS and watching him play - DH prepped a nappy changing ‘station’ (with sanitiser etc) and a ‘food station’ next to me with a bin. It was still a struggle.

I'm a sahm although my dc are older now...I wouldn't have expected my dh to stay at home in these circumstances. I know it's difficult, but it also sounds like quite an ongoing problem so how many times might this occur. I think when there is only one breadwinner in the household, things needs to be pretty dire before they take an unexpected day off imo.

I'm sorry your husband wasn't particularly sympathetic but I think you probably could have handled it better. "I did ... say that I didn’t know how I would parent the next day if it was still that bad and he might need to take some time off." sounds a bit passive and pathetic tbh. He is right to have said that you weren't clear in what you wanted. And given the unclear communication and short notice you should indeed be very appreciative that he has done what you asked him to and taken the day off. I mean, he's right - far from being appreciative, you're on Mumsnet complaining about him because although he's done exactly what you asked he's now not doing it with enough grace.

@stayathomer im really hoping it won’t be too much of a regular thing 🤞 hence the proactive physio to try and fix things - but it is looking like a slightly more long term issue. The pain is usually only bad for a day or two post flare up and then it’s just a case of being careful. I will definitely be seeing my gp and asking for an mri to see what the next steps should be.

Make sure you rest, it's so tempting as a mum to see it as an opportunity to get ahead! Sending wislshes for a speedy recovery x

Too bad she was “passive and pathetic “ instead of assertive and brutally direct—those british characteristics. Jesus—what does a woman have to do to get a day off work? When is her paid annual leave? Why is it such a crime to expect your dh to give you the same care and concern he’d give a sick dog?

He can only go to work to earn the 'family income' because OP is at home doing the unpaid work of childcare and housekeeping

you make it sound like being the sole breadwinner is a privilege. OP has said being a stay at home parent is the best job she’s had, so I’d suggest it’s op who is being facilitated, not the other way around

I was a SAHM but without the additional benefit of having a partner who went out to work each day to support us. I was very much alone & still am, I injured my shoulder during the start of lockdown & it was the worst pain I've ever felt, I just took some painkillers and got on with it because I literally had no other option. What do you think single parents do when they injure themselves with nobody to rely on? I don't think your partner should feel they have to give up a days work because you hurt your knee. Maybe ask family members to pop over but a whole days pay seems a lot.

You do realise @OCDmama 'your' can be used as a plurel, not just a singular? As in 'your' as a family. And please don't throw unfounded accusations of sexism at me, 'internalised' or otherwise. There is nothing sexist at all in my post, where I describe my experiences as a woman who was the sole earner with a male SAHP, in an attempt to offer the OP another perspective. The relative contributions made by working versus SAHP are only linked to sexism if you start from the basis the woman will be at home and the man has the job. Which is extremely sexist. I also strongly disagree that as a woman with a SAHP he 'enabled' me to work. Had he not SAH I'd have used a nursery. He wanted to do it, I supported him in his choice. I do not however owe him my career.

@Pory I would argue that it’s both. We had a lot of very open and honest discussions before trying for a child in which he said he would want to continue working and wouldn’t want to step back in his career at all. I said I would like to be a SAHP at least at first and we’re fortunate enough that his income allows for this.

It’s just very lucky that we both got to do what we wanted to do and we’re both appreciative of that- but I don’t think it’s one of us ‘allowing’ the other to have their own way.

@Theworldisyouroyster I am so sorry about your knee. I do think, you should be seeing your GP and getting referred to have an MRI or CT scan, whatever else you do. I had a knee problem - it needed surgery, for a cartilage tear - which turned out to be 3 tears, which hadn't shown up on the scans. Your Physio has already said physio didn't seem to be helping, so I would advise you see your GP - and also change physio if you think of persisting with Physio instead

I think you were in need of TLC as you said, because of the way you were feeling, very understandably, rather than you could perhaps have managed on your own, but only you know whether the need for TLC was the main reason you wanted him to stay home? I'm not judging you for either, by the way. I can see both sides of the argument. But maybe you do need to have a chat with your OH when things are a little less fraught and explain to him how his grumpiness has made you feel? With the concentration on how you feel/felt, rather than blaming him for his behaviour, if you see what I mean?

Hope your knee will improve soon

From the other side of both parents working, we have had big arguments over which one of us needs to take the day off when one of the children have been sick. Sometimes it was my husband and sometimes me but it is not ideal to have to cancel work obligations. With working from home, it is much easier but realistically means that you in bed can probably offer more than a lot of parents who are working with a sick child do.

With a 3year old, a day of screen time and pottering around the house would be fine and maybe you could have managed this time round but that doesn’t mean you should never be able to call on your husband for support- you just might need to pick your moments better.

I remember when I was on mat leave and had the baby plus a toddler at home with noro. By the afternoon the three of us were being violently sick. I had to call my husband to come home for the afternoon as I couldn’t manage vomiting myself plus two vomiting children who were too young to master aiming in a bowl!

When my children have been really ill, no-one has ever batted an eyelid when I’ve needed to leave. There will always be some understanding for vomiting, a&e trips etc but I suspect much less sympathy for relieving a sahm who’s been to a dodgy physio.

Single parents don’t have partners though. I think that must be incredibly tough, but why would I pretend I’m single and never expect my dh to parent his children because some people are single parents? Nobody does that. If my dh thought I should then I’d suggest he experience the joys of single parent hood himself if he thinks it’s something worth trying.

And quite often I wonder how good Mumsnet is for people's mh and self esteem.

Just because some people have to cope on their own in tough circumstances doesn't mean the op is some sort of entitled snowflake for asking for help.

For the record, I'm a WOHP and always have been...

But if neither of you had wanted to take a step back then you’d have used childcare surely, so I’m not sure how you staying at home “allows” him (as a pp put it) to continue to work. He’d work anyway and you’d pay for childcare.

Take care OP, your feelings are real and we all need to feel that we can have time out when unwell.
Hope your knee feels better soon

Yes if I had wanted to work then we would have paid for childcare. I guess I don’t see it as either of us facilitating anything for the other person- it’s just worked out well for us.

I think your DH was very unkind and I would ditch that physio! I do wonder how husbands/partners with that kind of attitude would cope with their wife/partner developing a chronic illness.