Is my husband gay?

[tiredbeandrop]

I've been with DH for 17 years now, married for 8. We have two children together DS16 and DD12, and have built a wonderful family together.

I had never questioned DHs sexuality, aside from passing comments from my friends about some of DHs slightly feminine qualities. Whilst he is in touch with his feminine side, he is an electrician and had always loved a pint down the local with his mates so him being gay hadn't ever crossed my mind. He has always had a close relationship with his best friend Mark however recently I feel that things have changed...

Him and Mark have been best friends since school and Mark was best man at our wedding. Me and Mark get on well but don't have a close friendship ourselves as I have my own friends.

Seeing as Mark and I have no personal connection, it completely took me by surprise when DH approached me with the idea of a potential threesome with him and Mark. Having been together for so long it's fair to say that things aren't as exciting as they once were in the bedroom for DH and I respectively, so I understand wanting to spice things up now that the children are older. DH gave little justification as to where the idea has come from, yet seemed enthusiastic and reassured me that it would be fun for all three of us. This has made me question DHs sexuality as Mark himself has never shown much interest in me other than pleasantries, making me wonder if this was DHs idea and I'm not sure what that would mean. DH and Mark have always been very close and confided in eachother but I am now starting to question the nature of their relationship.

Any advice welcome :)

It's not gay when you're in a three way...

No but seriously I would also be questioning the relationship if my husband suggested such a thing. I mean I'd also be horrified if he suggested a threesome with another woman.

Electrician and a pint - the definition of a straight man 🤣 sorry OP, that made me laugh a lot!

I echo the others who have said this is a porn issue.

As others have suggested, I’d think if he was gay, he would be having sex with Mark without you and it’s likely that he wants to watch Mark having sex with you/you be with both of them at the same time.

An easy way to find out would be to ask…what, you want me to watch you have sex with Mark DH?

I’d be more hurt personally if a DH suggested that he wanted to watch his best mate fuck me. I’d feel like he saw me as his possession to share out. A thing rather than a person. It’s quite upsetting, if you think about it. Neither would I be ok with watching him have sex with anyone else. That feels very disrespectful and against our wedding vows.

I’ve got married friends who are swingers and friends who had threesomes when they were younger and experimenting in casual relationships. They were all pretty upfront with their partners early on that they were bi/into threesomes. I think there’s a big difference if it suddenly becomes something someone wants years into a relationship after it never being on the table. If you are someone for whom monogamy is important, I can see it wrecking a marriage.

Men very rarely sugest a threesome with another MAN unless they are either exploring their own sexuality or are knowingly gay or Bisexual. Also it must have taken an amount of bravery to openly discuss it with you, which sugests you have a good relationship?
Be clear if you are not interested in a thruple in any form, and explain to him the questions this has created for you, can you discuss this with him without it becoming something that ruins 17 years of greatness? I wish you luck in navigating this awkward situation. It has raised qustions you need answers to.

No idea whether or not he is gay. At best he shows massive disrespect to you abandoned your family. At worst he is a complete perv. End the relationship.

I dont get this. Surely if your DH wants sex with Mark and not to be outing about being gay, the last thing he would do is suggest a 3some and then proceed to shag Mark in front of his DW. For most hetro men the suggestion of a 3some is about the two men having sex with the woman. Not the men having sex and the woman joining in.

If you fancy a 3some then go for it. If you are worried about your DH gay tendencies then this will 100% give you a window into his feelings. Sounds like two mates have got the idea of a 3some in their heads and you have read the wrong signals to me.

I'm a gay man which doesn't make me an expert but I've encountered a lot of "hetrosexual" men in my time. The fact is, your husband might be gay, he might be bi and he might not have a clue himself. Don't ever assume that any developments in his sexuality means he's been hiding something or misleading you in any way. You'd be surprised at the amount of men who grow up with internalised homophobia and end up with feelings they can't reconcile in their head as they get older. You'd be surprised the number of openly gay men still who experience similar feelings.

He could also be completely heterosexual.

There's absolutely no point in a forum making wild assumptions about your husband with no real information to go on. Communication is key here and you have the advantage because he's opened the door. Now that he's put a threesome on the table, you now have the perfect opportunity to explore his feelings. Rather than say no outright - even if you have no interest - use the opportunity to ask what he would want to get from that? What is it about the scenario that would turn him on? You're free to say no but there's a wealth of information you can gain by opening up the conversation.

Also, I'm not going to get overly hung up on the stereotypes you've thrown into your post. I'll just say this; you mostly cannot tell anymore. There are some behaviors and mannerisms that reliably mark someone as gay but for most of the middle-ground stuff that you might call "feminine qualities", you can't judge on that and you shouldn't try. Men's behaviours have changed a lot in the last 10/20 years and what might have been "gay" or "feminine" years ago is just normal behaviour.

Sounds to me like he wants to get Mark in to bed but who knows.
I'd be more pissed that without even discussing it with me my husband has been trying to pimp me out to his mates down the pub.

We don't know your husband so we can't say, however it astonishes me that you think he can't be gay because he's an electrician and likes a pint with his mates.

Seriously? Have you read it back to yourself?

I'm reluctant to take issue with anyone's mother, let alone everyone's mother, but how do you know that? I mean, what's your source for that first assertion, apart from anecdotal experience?

A lot of posters are claiming you have agreed to this, so you have to follow through. I don’t think I actually read anywhere you agreed though..

I don’t think he’s gay, it could be he has a fantasy to see you with another man and in his mind somehow is best mate is the way to go.
Or he wants a MFF threesome and if you go through with it he can claim “But we involved another man last time for you!”

Impossible to say without talking to him about it. He could be gay/bisexual.
I don't think being an electrician or liking a pint means someone can't be gay....

How does he envisage the threesome working out? Does he intend to have sex with Mark (if so he is bi/curious) or does he want to watch you with Mark/have Mark watch you two have sex (different thing entirely)? Regardless, you don't have to agree to any sex you're not enthusiastic about. If you suspect your H wants or has sex with men, you need to have a think about whether you want to continue the marriage. Would you tolerate it? Do you trust him to be monogamous with you? These are more important questions than trying to label his sexuality.

why can't he be bi?

If he wanted to experiment with “Mark” then wouldn’t he just do that without you involved? Seems a bit weird.

This is all very wise and the way to go, especially using the 'open door' to find out what you need to know before giving your answer even if you are certain it's a flat no, just because now is the time when it's possible to discuss wtf is going on with him.

I thought the schools had gone back already 🙄

Ask him how he thinks Mark might react to the suggestion - 'DH do you not think he'd be horrified/mortified/shocked?'
Your DH's reaction should tell you whether he & Mark have already discussed it, and if I were you, I'd reckon they have. This, for me, would be a big problem. If he discussed it with his mate before he approached you.
Imagine broaching this with your best mate! You'd have to be very sure it wouldn't ruin your friendship, which is why I think there is already or has in the past, something going on with him & Mark.

Just laugh and say you must be joking.

Don't do it.
Whether he is gay or.not he has no respect for you if he wants to share you with his mate.

@Ilovelurchers And threesomes are hardly the most out there concept in the world, are they? Probably a first port of call for anyone who wants to try anything even vaguely unusual..... I think it would be a LOT more than 1%!

Really? I would have thought sex toys, fantasy, and/or light bondage. Going from purely vanilla sex to a threesome, as a first step into “anything vaguely unusual,” seems fraught with all kinds of emotional and potentially physical complications.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Well you could have the threesome and find out.