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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my husband gay?

130 replies

tiredbeandrop · 03/09/2024 01:42

I've been with DH for 17 years now, married for 8. We have two children together DS16 and DD12, and have built a wonderful family together.

I had never questioned DHs sexuality, aside from passing comments from my friends about some of DHs slightly feminine qualities. Whilst he is in touch with his feminine side, he is an electrician and had always loved a pint down the local with his mates so him being gay hadn't ever crossed my mind. He has always had a close relationship with his best friend Mark however recently I feel that things have changed...

Him and Mark have been best friends since school and Mark was best man at our wedding. Me and Mark get on well but don't have a close friendship ourselves as I have my own friends.

Seeing as Mark and I have no personal connection, it completely took me by surprise when DH approached me with the idea of a potential threesome with him and Mark. Having been together for so long it's fair to say that things aren't as exciting as they once were in the bedroom for DH and I respectively, so I understand wanting to spice things up now that the children are older. DH gave little justification as to where the idea has come from, yet seemed enthusiastic and reassured me that it would be fun for all three of us. This has made me question DHs sexuality as Mark himself has never shown much interest in me other than pleasantries, making me wonder if this was DHs idea and I'm not sure what that would mean. DH and Mark have always been very close and confided in eachother but I am now starting to question the nature of their relationship.

Any advice welcome :)

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 03/09/2024 07:03

I doubt he's gay but he may have some bisexual tendencies.

What would horrify me is knowing my husband had discussed this with his best mate without talking to me about it first. You're not a commodity and you should have equal say in who the third participant is, not just your DH.

I think using his best friend is a bad idea and if you went ahead it could mess up his friendship if your DH got jealous.

ReadingWorm · 03/09/2024 07:04

DHs slightly feminine qualities

WTF is a feminine quality?

he is an electrician and had always loved a pint down the local

Gay people can’t do these things?

DH approached me with the idea of a potential threesome with him and Mark

I would have lead with that over the harmful stereotypes form the 1970s.

But to be honest why isn’t he just having sex with his friend? I don’t know why he feels the need to include you?

LlynTegid · 03/09/2024 07:06

I don't get the connection between wanting a threesome and your DH being gay. A threesome might not involve any physical contact between your DH and DHs friend (tmi to describe).

MayaPinion · 03/09/2024 07:09

You think he might be a gay electrician? Well, maybe there is a ‘spark’ between him and Mark 🙌🙌🙌

I’d want to know how the topic ever came up. Were they down the pub (drinking pints) when Mark said, ‘Hey, do you want me to shag your wife?’ Surely if your husband and Mark wanted to shag each other they would have done so. They don’t need a threesome as an excuse to do it. Regardless, id shut this down quick and hard - ‘No thanks. I am not interested in a threesome with anyone’.

redtrain123 · 03/09/2024 07:12

Regardless if whether he’s gay or not, I’d be slightly flabbergasted that dh would be happy for me to have sex with someone else, especially if this totally out the blue and out of character.

Take the gay-ness out if the equation, how do you feel about the proposal, and dh suggesting it? Must admit, I’d feel pretty shocked and think I didn’t know Dh as well as I thought.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 03/09/2024 07:13

Perhaps sleeping with another man is on his bucket list?

Would it bother you if he slept with Mark?

I'd just tell him no thanks, you have no desire to sleep with Mark and perhaps question why he suggested this.

I've been married to my DH for 13 years but would happily sleep with Jodie Comer if she turned up at my door! 😂

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 03/09/2024 07:14

I think it's extremely unlikely that two gay men, if that's what they are, would be inviting you to join them in their shenanigans. (Assuming you are a woman. Do you drink prosecco?)

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 03/09/2024 07:15

Oh - and another question to ask is "what has he said to Mark about it?"

Summerhillsquare · 03/09/2024 07:15

You're barking up the wrong tree here. He's been watching too much porn.

CatMum10 · 03/09/2024 07:17

I've been here. Twice. Both times the relationship has ended. One of them is now a closeted incel who holidays with lads 10yrs his junior. The other says they are trans woman... but presents as a bearded man with the same masculine name, and only dates pre-op trans women. The mental gymnastics I had to do during those relationships to convince myself that my partner was heterosexual (despite the clear evidence to the contrary) really messed me up. I was gaslighted so badly I thought I was mentally ill. I'm going to go against the majority of comments here and say trust your instincts. What do you truly think?

autumn1610 · 03/09/2024 07:18

I would ask him what he envisioned with the 3some just casually wanting to know more details about how he saw it going. I was with someone who has bi tendencies (not gonna call him bi as he doesn’t want a relationship with a guy) and it’s something we discussed as not in a relationship and thought it could be fun. But he wasn’t interested in having sex with the guy (either way) was more to see me with someone and he liked to do certain things with guys but not others

PointsSouth · 03/09/2024 07:20

HiHo2024 · 03/09/2024 02:14

God I’d run a mile if my husband suggested a threesome with him and his best mate who I I’ve known for years but have zero interest in and who has zero interest in me. Er…. No thanks love. It’s the most unsexy thing I’ve ever heard. Your husband on the other hand seems very keen to get Mark into your bed. Bleurgh!!!! Seriously how did he think this was a reasonable suggestion. I’d tell him and Mark to crack on because they probably will anyway.

sorry. Xx

Edited

So, just to summarise...

"OP, my husband has a best friend, and we don't fancy each other at all. My saying this ought to help you in some way..."

RunningThroughMyHead · 03/09/2024 07:26

If you genuinely think he could be gay, I would ask your husband if he means you have sex with them both only, or if the men will also have sex and fondle.

If it's the latter then obviously, yes, he has sexual feelings about Mark.

If just you, then he probably has been watching too much porn.

Either way it's a no go for me but I'd be asking first what he actually thinks it'll entail.__

LadyVorkosigan · 03/09/2024 07:34

Summerhillsquare · 03/09/2024 07:15

You're barking up the wrong tree here. He's been watching too much porn.

I was going to say the same.

prh47bridge · 03/09/2024 07:36

He may be bi or gay, but wanting a threesome with you and his mate is not evidence either way. Some people (men and women) like watching their partner having sex with someone else. Of course, some think they will enjoy watching their partner with someone else but find the reality rather different.

Personally, I would hate watching my wife with someone else. The only threesome I ever fantasise about is me and two women, but that is never going to happen.

gannett · 03/09/2024 07:43

MMF threesomes (with no MM contact) and/or fantasies of watching other men have sex with your partner are not that weird for hetero men. I don't think I'd raise an eyebrow if a guy revealed either to me. Obviously only you can decide whether you'd be into it or not.

I have no idea why you think this means he's gay (unless he's specifically stipulated MM contact). If he's comfortable enough with Mark to suggest threesomes to him, then presumably they'd be comfortable enough to actually have gay sex without you around if that's what they wanted. And then the bizarre stereotypes in your post make me think you don't have a great understanding of being gay at all.

MayaPinion · 03/09/2024 07:43

Mark isn’t a plumber by any chance, is he? Because this sounds like the plot line from an adult movie.

Nannyfannybanny · 03/09/2024 07:57

CatMum10, I have also been there. A lot of jokey comments about posters DH being an electrician and drinking pints. My situation was slightly different, but incredibly hurtful and damaged the dks, trust me, you wouldn't think it so hilarious if you were there! Met married, very quiet gentle bloke, this was the 60s got pregnant,you got married.(I was under co ersive control but it didn't have a name then and I didn't realise. He was all "real men don't use deodorant", lots of other comments I can't remember, similar vein. He was a big hairy bloke, actually a footballer. Two people, one my old boss another boyfriend of a friend who previously lived with a man asked me if he had had a sexual relationship with a man. I didn't know,it wasn't something discussed in those days. He didn't drink alcohol,was very into keeping fit. Fast forward 20 years,he got very drunk and told me I was his only female sexual partner,he married me as a naice respectable front for his middle class family! That was it,no more sexual contact thanks. We divorced, not because of this. I rang a helpline which was meant to help partners with this, they were really nasty to me,told me I was talking rubbish,he wasn't gay, because he wouldn't have married a woman! You certainly couldn't confide this to your friends and family,60s,70s this was taboo. I was nursing,a lot of female patients confided in me that their husband was gay, they were staying in the marriage, didn't want anyone to know. I had gay men confide in me. My best friend committed suicide, because of this. I always thought her husband was gay, she adored him, he appeared to adore her. I don't know if your DH is gay,bio whatever,yes, you need to ask him where this is coming from. Surprised in another post recently, about sexual fantasy,a lot of replies thinking it was wrong. No, I wouldn't have a threesome,no interest in women, this it's only sex, if you make a commitment to marry it's about respect yourself and your marriage partner.

velvetcoat · 03/09/2024 08:00

Look, I have no problems with threesomes in general but usually it's something couples decide together because they both want it and then they find someone together who is up for it. It's usually someone they dont know very well because it could get awkward otherwise if you start sleeping with your friends.

What you dont do is suddenly say to your partner "how about a threesome with my best mate, Mark"? I mean, WTAF?

Its also pretty rude to you because he hasn't even asked if you even fancy Mark for goodness sake and thats quite important when having sex with someone.

This whole thing is weird AF and not because he might be gay but due to the way he's gone about this, the fact he hasn't discussed it with you or had a talk with you about it or even asked you how you feel about threesomes in general. He's literally just dumped this on you and expected you to say yes. Thats really disrespectful and I do suspect there are reasons why and yes, I think it's because he wants to shag Mark himself.

I couldnt stay with someone who approached something like this with such a cavalier attitude and didnt seek to talk to me about my feelings first. Its massively disrespectful.

lemonpepperlady · 03/09/2024 08:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Blueberryjamming · 03/09/2024 08:30

I would get rid of a man who asked me that to begin with because it meant we clearly didn’t know or understand each other. However I agree with pp that irrespective of your stance on group sex it’s also particularly unsettling that he seems to have discussed it with his friend.

Usually you’d think it would stem from a conversation between a couple and then they’d go looking/discuss the person to complete the threesome. The way this has happened might suggest the conversation has happened between Mark and OP is almost the add-on.

That the husband and his best mate are the pair that want to have a 3some together seems to be the main thing.

I suspect if OP says no they’ll eventually move onto considering someone else to complete the threesome. I think he’s involving OP to assuage any guilt and to maybe continue denying to himself that he feels anything for his best mate. I don’t actually think they’re having a sexual relationship (yet) but I wouldn’t be surprised if the feelings are there.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/09/2024 08:35

You are only going to find out if he is bisexual if you ask him straight.

KreedKafer · 03/09/2024 08:41

Loads of straight men get off on fantasies of ‘sharing’ their wife with another bloke. It doesn’t mean he’s gay.

Shadyshady · 03/09/2024 08:43

DoAWheelie · 03/09/2024 02:19

You have some very screwed up ideas about what makes someone gay or not.

Oh thank goodness you're here to educate in your own special patronising way. How to make a positive difference...!