Is my husband gay?

[tiredbeandrop]

I've been with DH for 17 years now, married for 8. We have two children together DS16 and DD12, and have built a wonderful family together.

I had never questioned DHs sexuality, aside from passing comments from my friends about some of DHs slightly feminine qualities. Whilst he is in touch with his feminine side, he is an electrician and had always loved a pint down the local with his mates so him being gay hadn't ever crossed my mind. He has always had a close relationship with his best friend Mark however recently I feel that things have changed...

Him and Mark have been best friends since school and Mark was best man at our wedding. Me and Mark get on well but don't have a close friendship ourselves as I have my own friends.

Seeing as Mark and I have no personal connection, it completely took me by surprise when DH approached me with the idea of a potential threesome with him and Mark. Having been together for so long it's fair to say that things aren't as exciting as they once were in the bedroom for DH and I respectively, so I understand wanting to spice things up now that the children are older. DH gave little justification as to where the idea has come from, yet seemed enthusiastic and reassured me that it would be fun for all three of us. This has made me question DHs sexuality as Mark himself has never shown much interest in me other than pleasantries, making me wonder if this was DHs idea and I'm not sure what that would mean. DH and Mark have always been very close and confided in eachother but I am now starting to question the nature of their relationship.

Any advice welcome :)

In my opinion, and it's only my opinion ... I don't understand how someone can love another person yet want to have sex with someone else and watch them do the same.
I can't imagine ever doing it, if my husband suggested a 3some, I'd assume he was going to or had been cheating.
I'd leave the marriage.

If you don't wish to shag Mark and don't wish to see DH shagging Mark don't agree..
It will change the "friend" dynamics forever.

Ask your husband if he'd like to leave you for Mark?
If he would then you might not like him to stay married to you, as you are clearly second best.

😁😁😁😁

Bloody hell of course he’s not gay 🤦‍♀️ He just wants a threesome and has decided his mate is probably the best person to do it with.
Guarantee that even if you said yes it wouldn’t happen anyway, they’ve probably just got pissed down the pub one night and thought it was an excellent idea.
Just say no if it’s not for you and move on with your day 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't be staking the farm on him being straight. I think he might be entusiasticly suggesting a threesome so it's "not really" cheating as you're there consenting. I guess that Mark does not have an acknowledged partner or he'd no doubt be suggesting a foursome! No disrespect to people who are into threesomes or foursomes but it would be a never ever for me. If it was possible to be any more negative it would be because it was his "best friend". How much lingering awkwardness do you want every time you see Mark?

I may have had a sheltered life when I was dating and some of them were more toad than prince but I can honestly say nobody, and certainly not my husband, has ever assured me that that it would be fun for all three of us if we had a threesome with their best friend.

If he and mark were shagging why an earth would he invite you into the loop

way to close to home to involve friends in your sex life as the day don’t shit where you sleep

not sure what’s going on but I don’t think him gay is one of them

There’s clearly more to be said here.
You don’t mention how you responded to the suggestion. What questions did you ask and what did he say in response. Has anything happened between them- have they discussed it between them…
If it were me my natural curiosity would have got the better of me.

Whether he's gay or not no one on here can say.

He could he's simply not caught in the narrow definition of what men are supposed to be like to me straight men, and has finally revealed a kink of wanting to watch his wife have sex with another man.

Or he could be gay and camp and you just missed it, and he wants to have sex with his friend and a threesome is the only way he could think to arrange it.

Either way, he's dropped quite the bomb into your relationship. The only way you can figure out how to go from here is to talk to him and find out why he's suddenly suggested it. Then you decided what you want to do regarding your relationship.

Did he clarify what kind of threesome? or say that him and Mark wouldn't be touching each other?
You could bring it up again and see what he says.
Now even if he says he doesn't want to touch Mark then he definitely still might want to.
But he might admit that he does and at least then you'll know that he's sexually interested in Mark.

I doubt he's gay, he probably just wants to live out a fantasy. It is odd to have suggested his best mate a bit to close for comfort for me not to mention awkward.

definitely find out more

If he's open enough to suggest having a threesome, he's open enough to tell you exactly what he plans to do and with whom in such a situation surely?

A marriage is a commitment between two people. I'm also baffled how some could love someone, yet want to share them sexually. Truly, I think porn has damaged many people making them depraved. It becomes not enough to keep watching it...

DH might be envisioning some kind of cuckold fantasy thing. Not really uncommon for men to get off seeing their partner with another man.

Threesomes have all the pitfalls and drawbacks of any other relationship, but magnified and exacerbated. I'm totally on board with most of the advice on this thread which may be summed up as 'don't.' Yeah. Just don't.

The first indispensable prerequisite for any type of three-way is firstly for the couple, both parties, to be totally onboard with the idea from the get-go. And even then it's still possible for so many things to go wrong and the whole thing blows up spectacularly.

Searching around can give you some ideas of the protocol and etiquette that should form the basis of a menage a trois, and it's clear from your message that your DH hasn't the faintest clue about how to prepare properly for it. The first step would have been to at least ASK you how you felt about it.

When the man springs the idea on a woman who's gobsmacked by it, as it appears to be the case here, she should run a mile from it. He's just chucked you in at the deep end.

In brief, imagine the amount of emotional investment, sensitivity and thoughtfulness involved in a 'normal' two-way relationship, and double it, and even more if kids are involved, you're getting close to what's needed before you even start thinking about bringing in a third wheel.

This. A threesome with two men, to my understanding not personal knowledge (unfortunately! 🤪) doesn’t mean the men have sex with each other just that the woman gets all the attention. I don’t think for one second it means your dh is gay, and I have a few heterosexual men that have some effeminate ways. Does/has Mark had female relationships? Just because they’re very close doesn’t mean they want to shag!

Yes love my husbands best friends as a friend but he ain’t no looker 😂

I'm a bit uncomfortable with your assertion that 99 % of Mumsnetters would not have had a threesome - are you implying that because we are moms we can't also enjoy experimental sex?

And threesomes are hardly the most out there concept in the world, are they? Probably a first port of call for anyone who wants to try anything even vaguely unusual..... I think it would be a LOT more than 1%!

Apart from that I fully agree - nobody can tell from the details on here whether he is gay, bi, curious or straight. You could possibly find out more by asking him more about the fantasy - does he want Mark to do stuff to you while he watches? Or him and Mark to do stuff to each other while you watch? Etc.

If he has previously enjoyed sex with you it would certainly seem he is bi, rather than completely gay, so I wouldn't stress too much - obviously say no if you don't want to do the threesome, but I don't think there is any evidence here that he doesn't fancy you - he is seeking to involve you after all. At worst he fancies both you AND Mark. Does that matter, as long as he never acts on the Mark thing without your express consent?

Just ask him and be non judgmental.

personally I don’t think he is necessarily gay but threesome sounds like a bad idea.

For me, the issue isn’t so much whether dh is gay, but why this sudden interest in threesones, especially with a mate. That will change the dynamics of the friendship (and give me the ick).

i think it would make me question whether there was more going on with Mark and has he actually asked Mark? How do you bring this into conversation ‘hi best friend, do you want to shag my wife?’ It woukd almost make he wonder whether dh has had threesones (or sex) elsewhere .

Depends on his planned participation really. But the answer would be no, as if you’re going to have a threesome then involving a best friend is always a bad idea. It doesn’t mean he’s gay no, not at all. I mean he might be, but on this fact alone it doesn’t mean he is no.

I see ya⚡️

If this is his first choice of ways to spice up his sex life then yes he is quite possibly sexually attracted to his pal. He may not even know that he fancies his pal yet but as summer follows spring he will figure it out.

The best thing to do is ask. You could ask if he's gay. You could also ask how he feels about having a threesome with Mark, what he expects to happen during that threesome, why he wants to see Mark having sex with you (if that is all he says he wants), and why that would be a turn-on for him.

Does that matter, as long as he never acts on the Mark thing without your express consent?

Of course it matters. If it's already got this far because he fancies Mark then getting her express consent is exactly what he's after. And he's not just going to stop wanting it because she says no. She's going to be under pressure from now on.

Whether he is gay or kind of by the by…. I’d be deeply disturbed and concerned about the state of my marriage if my DH ever suggested this.
its highly highly unusual to want to fuck your friend/ watch your best mate fuck your wife.

i would say all proposed threesomes I know of ( by men) they want another woman in the room so in that respect he is likely either gay/bi or into some fetish like cuckolding…
Whatever it was and I’d be using condoms going forward for any sexual relations

Because it’s perfectly possible to have sex without love. I understand that’s not possible for lots of people and there has to be an emotional connection but that’s not the case for everyone.
sex is just another physical act.
Im in an open relationship, and frankly it’s by far the healthiest, most open and most honest relationship I’ve ever been in, I love him very much and I know how much he loves me. We also happen to like involving other people in our sex life, men and women (we’re both bisexual).
Not everybody’s cup of tea, but we communicate constantly and immediately let the other know if we’re not happy with something or a boundary has changed.

Having said this, I would advise the OP against doing anything with anyone they have history with like the best friend. Really not a great idea. And both parties have got to be equally invested in the idea.

Your DH sounds bi. Agree with others that this has probably been discussed with Mark and the threesome suggestion is so he can get your consent to explore the other aspects of his sexuality without "technically" cheating. If you don't want sex with Mark then say no.

I wouldn't be totally comfortable with DHs relationship with Mark going forward though since it has turned sexual in the same way as if he had a female bestie that he'd asked me to have a threesome with her. Xx

I would probably get some relationship counselling tbf to find out whats going on. Good luck OP. x

Wanting a threesome does not make you gay.

Wanting to expand your sex life after 17 years is very common and a way of trying to keep things exciting in the bedroom. Wanting a threesome is a very common fantasy.

Wanting to fantasise, then explore, your first threesome with your best mate is not that unusual. 3 people I've known have drunkenly said "if I'm ever going to do it, I'm going to do it with my best mate". One of those people did go through with it with her best friend.

Do you want a threesome? Do you want one with Mark? Do you want to expand your sex life? Do you want other ideas to keep things hot in the bedroom that don't involve others? Do you want to keep things as they are? Spend time reflecting on what you would like in your sex life so that you feel prepared to discuss things if your husband brings it up again.

He may not have even thought that things like sex toys, new positions, role play, talking dirty, erotic fiction etc will be a great way of spicing things up. Some men just seem to default to "involve another person, that'll do it" without even thinking through the long term implications of what that means.