Is my husband gay?

[tiredbeandrop]

I've been with DH for 17 years now, married for 8. We have two children together DS16 and DD12, and have built a wonderful family together.

I had never questioned DHs sexuality, aside from passing comments from my friends about some of DHs slightly feminine qualities. Whilst he is in touch with his feminine side, he is an electrician and had always loved a pint down the local with his mates so him being gay hadn't ever crossed my mind. He has always had a close relationship with his best friend Mark however recently I feel that things have changed...

Him and Mark have been best friends since school and Mark was best man at our wedding. Me and Mark get on well but don't have a close friendship ourselves as I have my own friends.

Seeing as Mark and I have no personal connection, it completely took me by surprise when DH approached me with the idea of a potential threesome with him and Mark. Having been together for so long it's fair to say that things aren't as exciting as they once were in the bedroom for DH and I respectively, so I understand wanting to spice things up now that the children are older. DH gave little justification as to where the idea has come from, yet seemed enthusiastic and reassured me that it would be fun for all three of us. This has made me question DHs sexuality as Mark himself has never shown much interest in me other than pleasantries, making me wonder if this was DHs idea and I'm not sure what that would mean. DH and Mark have always been very close and confided in eachother but I am now starting to question the nature of their relationship.

Any advice welcome :)

We do not know but depends on his role on the threesome. However, many married man go on to have gay sex with people in marriages like themselves. Apparently safer and to minimise STD’s they go with mates rather than public toilets. They hide this well from their wives. The older they get most common. Gay friends have all sort of stories

No, I wouldn’t think he’s gay. Gay people work as hairdressers and enjoys martinis.

I would leave someone who thinks asking his wife to have a threesome with his best friend is a good idea, gay or not...

Stupid and disrespectful.

The people I know who have had MMF threesomes are definitely not gay. However it was about both of them doing stuff to the woman at the same time and not doing stuff to each other.

Like others though I'd be a bit suspicious that this has come seemingly out of the blue, and he has a name of someone already rather than something you two come up with together as this does imply he has discussed it with Mark before he has discussed it with you which I think is disrespectful

Rather than jumping on OP for her ideas of what means someone is gay or not, I'd take that more as an indication of how the DH might've been raised to think too, hence why he might have not explored other possibilities around his own sexuality or been open about it until now.

However the threesome is clearly a curveball and regardless of his sexuality, it's opening the marriage up in way that is a big shock to OP and a lot to take in. Rather than focusing on his sexual orientation alone, the issue is that his desires don't sound compatible with the marriage OP thought she had and wants, and that alone is enough to detonate it. Whatever his desires, it sounds like a terrible idea to invoice his best friend and wife in a threesome and he needs to start thinking more with his brain than his dick. If he's unhappy in the marriage, there are less destructive ways of dealing with that.

(Involve not invoice!)

I'm actually surprised at how small the central groupings are!

6% in the middle, 2% tend slightly toward homosexual, 5% tend slightly toward heterosexual, 4% don't know.

72% chose either 'completely heterosexual' or 'completely homesexual' (68% + 4%).

If he wanted to shag his mate he could have easily done it by now and you'd never have known.
Sounds more like he's been watching cuck porn.🐓🤴

Lol OK OP.

I think you maybe concentrating on the wrong issue. What makes him think you would be open to the idea, particularly with his best friend - it would completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Clearly not what you want, but what motivates him? Does his best friend know this was even being suggested?

I agree with others that if he wanted a relationship with his best friend....it would have happened already.

In a chilled and relaxed moment, ask him what motivated it and how he feels about your relationship.

Wanting a threesome with another man doesn't necessarily make him gay.

Lots of men have a fantasy of watching their partner have sex with another man. Sometimes it's a humiliation kink, sometimes its just about seeing their partner get pleasure from someone other than them.

And its perfectly possible for two men to have sex with the same woman without ever coming into contact with each others nether regions.

I'm presuming @tiredbeandrop from your original post that you're not into this idea at all, whether that's because it's with Mark or whether you're against the idea of a threesome quickly.

So that's the first thing to tell your husband. Once he's crystal clear on that, have a conversation. Find out what he had planned, why he'd thought of it at all, and whether he was planning on interacting with Mark or whether it was just a "change ends at half time" situation.

Edit: Oh, and I know a lot of gay men. A lot of gay men are electricians. A lot of gay men enjoy having a lot of pints and getting a kebab at the end of the night. A lot of straight men enjoy more "feminine" activities as well. The biggest "players" I know would not be the slightest bit out of place in a gay bar. That's part of how he does so well with women. They think he's gay, wish he wasn't, let their defences down and next thing they know they've woken up the next morning and he's never to be seen again.

What’s wrong with her comment? Why are you so keen to normalise this?

If he was interested in shagging Mark, I don’t think he’d invite you along for the experience. My guess is if he was really gay, he would just get on with it (and probably because of the shame, not with someone in his social circle). But I would definitely be very WTAF if my husband suggested a threesome with his BFF.

I'd be wondering how the subject came up between your DH & Mark. They've obviously had the conversation already.
I don't think they'd be willing to risk their friendship by having sex and possibly ruining your marriage just for the sake of experimenting, if there wasn't some strong attraction there already.
I'd put money on them having had sex, or at least explored things already, possibly even years ago. If you agree to the threesome they can go ahead & explore with your 'consent', low and behold afterwards your DH has discovered all these new feelings have emerged & he has done a lot of soul searching & he & Mark are really surprised to discover they've got feelings for each other, & actually, darling, I think I might be gay, and you've helped me see it.

Of course he wants to shag him.

I think the only thing you can know for sure, OP, is that your DH is now so addicted to porn that he's lost all sense of reality and appropriate boundaries with you. I presume he and Mark watch this stuff together in breaks while they're working. Is Mark married? I wonder if they've already asked Mrs Mark and she's said no, so now they're trying you? Who else will they try if you say no? Will they hire a prostitute or is it specifically the idea of wife-sharing that turns your DH on? Have you read about this case?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crlrpzwdkzeo

This isn't about you and your pleasure or having a bit of harmless fun. This is about them trying out something they've seen on a porn site with you as a convenient body to do it with. They haven't thought for a moment how bloody disrespectful it is to think of you in this way, or how you might all feel afterwards or the potential life-changing fall-out. They certainly won't have thought about what happens if you are freaked out, or decide to say no in the middle of it, or whether Mark has been quietly obsessed with you all these years. Or how the fall-out and divorce will devastate the children.

I don’t think that comment is patronising at all. Yours however, does seem patronising

How do you know?

You need to have a serious chat to find out why.

100% gay.

I agree. The issue is what makes him think you’d be open to the idea? Has he ever expressed or indicated dissatisfaction about the limits of sex with you? Have you ever done so? Surely that’s the conversation to have first, before diving in with a suggestion of a threesome…and the third party being his best mate and a close family friend!

Gay men don’t all behave a certain way. Equally, straight man can be viewed as ‘effeminate’.

IMHO you need to have a straight (excuse pun) talk with him. Make it especially clear that if he thinks he may be gay or bi then you won’t judge him and it’s important he tells you. There’s a slight chance that he and Mark have always had feelings for each other, but he’s felt too confused/ashamed to act on them and this might be his way of trying to tell you. I know that would rock your relationship, but it’s better you know by encouraging him to confide in you. If you ask him with apparent judgement, he may lie. It’s so hard for some people to come out, even to themselves.

It's a terrible idea. These fantasies should stay just that. Fantasy. After shagging his best mate or watching him and his best mate shag your relationship will never be the same. Just say no.

I think many men fantasise about two men and one woman and it's not generally a gay fantasy. It's two men doing stuff to the woman, not each other.
However, it could also be a bi thing as well, of course, with everyone doing stuff to each other!
I'm sure I'm just a repressed prude but I'd be appalled if my DH suggested a threesome with his best mate or anyone else!

I think you need to have a chat with your husband. Why the sudden idea of a threesome? Why a male/male/female one? What is it about it that turns him on? Will he be interacting with the other male or is it the idea of watching you with another man that is appealing? Why Mark?
Also, do you want a threesome? And if so do you want one with Mark? because it doesn't sound like you do, so that should be the end of the discussion.
Often threesomes are not all they are cracked to be, the reality can differ from the expectation, jealousy can be an issue. And if the whole thing goes wrong would you really want to the third party to be part of your social circle, far better to pick someone you never have to see again.

This would ring alarm bells .

Can't imagine either myself or my DH suggesting this scenario.