To have stopped cooking for my kids

[JMSA]

Eldest is 23 and moving into her own place next week, so this doesn't really apply to her.
Younger ones are 18 and 15.
I'm a single mum who works full-time. I'm menopausal and exhausted. Most times I'll have cereal or toast, something really simple.
It occurred to me tonight that I've not actually made them food in a while. And I feel massively guilty. The food is there, they just have to fend for themselves a bit.
Other than that, I'm a very present and loving mum
I do their laundry etc for them. But I simply can't be arsed to make dinners. Don't get me wrong, if they said 'mum, we really fancy your lasagne', I'd do it. But they probably wouldn't as I'm not the best cook anyway.
AIBU?

I agree that for the adult children it's ok but the 15 year old, especially around exam time, does not need cooking as an extra task on her plate if you can help it.

I'd keep cooking for an 18 year old if they were still in full time education as well, to give them the latitude to study and relax.

If you're really not coping then they'll be ok, but it's just better for them if that task isn't on them until they've left school.

I'm more concerned about you. Your diet is poor. No wonder you are so tired.

Please do try to eat one decent meal a day even if it is only a frozen one.

I think you should all take turns cooking so that you each one of you only have to do it x 2 a week and one night could be eating out / a good ready meal / very nutritious snack .
I am tired too and do too much , cook all the meals so I should take the advice I’m giving you 😂

You are not being unreasonable. Due to circumstances my daughter and her best friend moved in recently. That makes, myself, my partner, his mother, my sister and 2 teenage adults. I make sure there are plenty of items in the house for everyone to cook for themselves. And once a week I do a big Sunday dinner for family night. I get my evenings back and it's glorious!

I think you might feel better if you didn't have to cook every day of the week. You work full time, but maybe not every day is the same? If you spread the chores, then you could do your shopping once a week, and then cook the next day but let's say for 2 evenings? Then your children could take over from you for the other days!

Cooking is a great life skill and I would hope even 15 year old takes turn cooking 1/2 evenings a week BUT it sounds like op isn't even sure what she is eating for all her meals? It certainly isn't modelling healthy eating and 15 is prime age for eating disorders. What about family meal/interaction? I know kids dont want to sit and have family meals but surely you should at least a couple of times a week???

How about u batch cook 2 meals at the weekend and put them in the freezer, cook2 meals during the week and let them fend for themselves say on a Friday? The main thing is that you don’t have to cook dinner every evening after work and they get a nutritious meal most nights.

You are the mother you should cook especially for the 15 year old if you want them to eat healthily.

As the child of a mother who stopped cooking for me in my teens I feel it’s a love language that I’m still feeling I’ve missed out on. I was fending for myself making whatever meals I could as well as revising doing exams etc. I watched other peoples parents make food for them and even send it to uni for them and I did find that I missed out on something.
also menopausal but with a young child, I find myself having a real mind block about dinners. I might have to ensure I don’t slip into the habit of not cooking dinners as DC gets older as it did make me quite sad as a child. Pleas ask your children how they feel and express you want an honest answer.

Do you DC do their own washing? Clean the bathroom, hoover, sweep floors, bleach loo's, cut grass, walk dogs/feed dogs, rod drains(common job in my house maybe not so much in others), dust the cob webs, do the food shop ? If not and you do these jobs..... all you are slipping up on is cooking evening meals and frankly looking at the list I have written above you are doing a huge amount.

Can we all just remember that one of these 'children ' is 18 so actually a legal adult and the other at 15 is a mere year away from being able to have sex, children of their own, or join the army and go die for their country.

They're not children. Even the youngest can reasonably be expected to cook a couple of meals a week. Yes the OP needs to step up and provide for them better but cries of neglect are a bit much. It does teenagers no favours to do everything for them.

The pp who suggested cooking two nights each I think has nailed it. Perfect solution. Guaranteed vegetables at least twice a week and encourages independence.

Sounds like a bit of a reset is needed to share out the jobs so that it is more of a team effort. When my kids were in school, everyone had to cook one day a week - a two night meal. And on Sundays, Team Clean - everyone does one hour’s cleaning. Can you sit down to eat together at any point - then you could have one nice meal all together at the weekend?

Some of these comments are pathetic. Children are growing up to be self- entitled. I can guarantee OPs aren’t. My great grandmother was sent off to work at 14, to cook and to clean. She had to send money home to her family. A 15 year old can help out.
The 18 year old is an adult!
I’d work out some sort of roster.
by the way my kids are having fish fingers tonight, no wonder there’s an obesity epidemic sarcasm

By lumping it in with other chores, it seems you don’t appreciate the nurturing and caring aspects of making and sharing a meal together. I know it’s hard when you’re tired, but it’s important to enjoy food together. I’m also concerned about your life/work balance. Is there anyone supporting you and your DC, otherwise it sounds like you’re working too hard.

I don't see a big problem with it , they are 18 and 15. You are exhausted and menopausal so it's difficult for you. Though if they were going to cook for themselves I'd want to know what they were making to make sure it was healthy enough. You could do a cooking chart where you all cook on different evenings for eachother. A big lasagne one night could be reheated another night. Or could you all help batch cook one afternoon and freeze for the week

Not cooking for a fifteen-year-old, unless you make sure they eat healthy meals anyway, is just not right. It does not take long at all to boil some past and mix some mince into a store-bought jar of pasta sauce. Store-bought salads are great and healthy, and you can through some sliced chicken on a pan, or sausages, store-bought meatballs, etc. You are also missing out on sharing mealtimes with your children, otherwise. They are old enough to cook simple meals once or twice a week... Make an effort, it's worth it!

Of course you should still be cooking for them, yeah once in a while letting them fend for themselves is fine, but not ever day, that’s just laziness

Perhaps if you tackle it openly and deliberately with them, maybe explain gently how tired you are but how important it is for all of you to eat well (you as much as them actually). You could sit together and plan meals for the week, where they each cook one or two night, you could also include a couple of nights of batch cooking (eg Spag bol) that you can take out of the freezer once a week, so no one has to cook - or if there’s a day when someone is too tired / running late.

Maybe even try one night a week when you all try something new, cooking together - then it becomes some fun and sociable to do together (which is sometime hard to do with teenagers!). And if you like the new meal it can go onto a normal week meal plan.

But talk to them and let them know how important it is - and also it’s a life skill they should be developing for when they leave home.

…and maybe talk to your GP. Your life sounds busy and stressful but you should be able to have enough energy to make it through the day - get vitamins / hormones checked etc just to see if you can feel better (which seems to be the cause of how you’re feeling, and perhaps the real issue)?

How about taking it in turns to cook? They will probably like it and you can be on hand to advise. You can let them cook for all 3 of you. They could do the cooking in a pair if they like. It will be a good education.

From 17 up they should be able to make a full meal??? What? (Not aimed at you aimed at the quote) I used to cook for my family if five every weekday from the age of about 12- my parents both worked, older sister could cremate eggs… younger sister still doesn’t eat spaghetti bolognaise as that was my go to and she’s eaten more than a lifetime worth.

I love cooking for DD. My partner and I don’t live together in the week (work) and I work full time with a long commute. DD is almost 15. She can cook basics but I do mollycoddle her a bit. I think the reality is at OPs kids ages they should be CAPABLE of cooking dinner, but they shouldn’t be RESPONSIBLE every night. A couple of egg on toast days a week is fine but they need a proper nutritional meal during exam years especially. They also need to feel like they are patented in these last years of childhood.
my DD would eat like a sparrow if I didn’t prep meals. As a compromise I make breakfast and dinner and leave her to fend for herself in the day. I’m really active so I’m making proper breakfasts and dinners for myself anyway.

this thread has made me realise I probably need to give her a little more responsibility and maybe get her to cook on the two days I’m really late home a week.

I dont understand your post. So are you saying they should be able to at 17 or not? At 12 you were cooking for everyone, that's terrible in my opinion, I'd rather a child enjoys their childhood and learns to cook but is not expected to cook. Like you also seem to have said. Your post is contradictory. The people in this post saying a 15 year old and 13 year old are fine fending for themselves and being expected to make dinner every night are really unfair in my opinion. Know how to cook, yes of course. Be expected to cook, no way.

Sorry didn’t make it clear. Shouldn’t definitely be able to cook a meal well before 17.

Shouldn't? So absolutely shouldn't be able to cook before 17?

I would rather kids do more of other chores (which they should be doing anyway) and do meals for them to ensure they were eating balanced meals regularly.
As pp have said making Dc cook one night per week would share the responsibility (and perhaps improve their skills). I would also encourage batch cooking, so whoever is cooking should do enough for more than one meal for everyone. That way, each person is only cooking once per week.
However, there should be flexibility in favour of Dc especially around exams.