To have stopped cooking for my kids

[JMSA]

Eldest is 23 and moving into her own place next week, so this doesn't really apply to her.
Younger ones are 18 and 15.
I'm a single mum who works full-time. I'm menopausal and exhausted. Most times I'll have cereal or toast, something really simple.
It occurred to me tonight that I've not actually made them food in a while. And I feel massively guilty. The food is there, they just have to fend for themselves a bit.
Other than that, I'm a very present and loving mum
I do their laundry etc for them. But I simply can't be arsed to make dinners. Don't get me wrong, if they said 'mum, we really fancy your lasagne', I'd do it. But they probably wouldn't as I'm not the best cook anyway.
AIBU?

I think it's fine to make them cook, but why don't you make a meal plan for the week and have a rota for cooking? That way you only have to cook every 3 days and everyone gets a healthy meal.
They could be doing their own laundry also, it's not hard.

I'd swap around chores. I dont think it's fair to make them cook everything they eat, the 15 year old anyway. And I'm gobsmacked someone else doesn't bother for their 13 year old! Eating isn't a luxury, its a must.

Op - as I said upthread, my kids generally fend for themselves and there's certainly no expectation of my cooking but I do do the following...

Batch cook loads of portions of things like bolognaise, beef bourgignon, chicken stew etc and there's always piles of them in the freezer which they just defrost and add their veg to.

Cook when I have the energy. Probably works out at a couple of times a week.

I'm finding a few of these posts quite ridiculous.

1. Teenagers with arms and legs are perfectly capable of cooking if they've been shown how.
2. A teenager cooking for themselves doesn't automatically mean they will eat crap food. They should be capable of making good nutritional choices, and if they're not capable of it, it's a bit weird to attempt to insult those who are.

What about some hello fresh type boxes? You and your kids could take turns in making the meals and you can do them in 15-20 mins. I know it's knackering planning and cooking meals but these ready to cook boxes make it so much easier and it's nice to sit down for a meal together & catch up and chat for half an hour or so.

Because teenagers just won’t. A 15yo isn’t going to come home from school and cook themselves a shepherd’s pie or a roast or spag bol. I suspect they’re living off whatever’s easiest to grab out of the fridge. It’s a shit example to set, and I know in a couple of the foster homes I grew up in who did this, it made me feel unwanted like I wasn’t worth their time. It’s not hard to stick a bit of pasta on, or a jacket/salad. I work ridiculously long hours, and for inspiration I look on gousto under the 10 minute meal section for quick and easy meals. Surely your children are worth 10 minutes? Even if I wasn’t cooking that day, I’d still make sure everyone had a meal, even if it means allocating the cooking to someone else in the house for certain days

I have 3 teens. The 17 and 15 year olds generally cook for themselves because they want to and I've taught them really good cooking skills. That way they eat what they want as opposed to what I'm cooking, I always offer what I'm cooking but invariably they cook something else, and yes both of them eat very healthily. I generally still cook for my 13yo but he likes to cook for himself some evenings too.
I cannot see how it's lazy parenting to ensure they have learned to cook various healthy meals and try different recipes, set them up for when they leave home, vital enough skill that takes practice

A bit ironic considering the op is living off toast but should expect her school age children to put together healthy meals for themselves

if social services got involved that comes under their neglect category
as a child under 16 is not being cared for properly

i know this for a fact and im not just saying my opinion

as a disabled friend(recently bed ridden) is fighting a case as the 14 y old is looking after her and not the the other way around
SS got involved(anonymous referral) and is making life very difficult stating child is being neglected as mum is not catering for child basic needs and a teenager boy shouldn't be looking after a adult female, especially his mom

what you said is one of their reasons
a child between 10 and 16 should not be cooking, cleaning, changing and remaking beds, washing or doing any adult responsibilities or physically looking after a adult of the opposite sex
this is according to SS check list(Wales if it makes a difference)

My daughter has aspirations of being a chef so she's been keen to be cooking her own tea since she was very young. The routine now she's a teen is I cook twice a week, husband cooks twice a week, she cooks twice a week and we get a takeaway on Friday. Works for us.

Cooking is a great life skill to have, they'll have to cook all their own dinners when they're adults (which one of them technically already is!) so I really don't think there's any harm at all in them getting some practice in now.

The op also ‘has arms and legs’ and is their mother ffs. Part of having children is feeding them. The op is living off crap but her children who have to feed themselves because she won’t, have to be more responsible and make better choices? Righto

What a pile of shite.

The 15 year old has access to food and facilities to cook it.

There is no neglect going on, as if SS don't have enough to do without going after mothers like the OP 🤣🤣

Not just a greedy pig, but an inconvenience

I'd agree with this, my DD has been able to cook from around age 12 when she took an interest, but I wouldn't leave her to fend for herself. She makes evening meals sometimes by choice, other than that I cook. And I work a full time job and a second job.

So my teenagers do indeed do what you've said teenagers just won't do @Babadook76

I don't think you understand, this could be the message you are sending out by only having cereal or toast for dinner. It's not normal or healthy dinner.

Why do they need legs to cook? 13 and 15 is young to be leaving people permanently fending for themselves every meal.

I work full time and still cook for my 16 year old even if I'm knackered and can't be arsed. Frying some salmon and the sides take 20 minutes tops.

I'm pretty sure my parents didn't really cook for us from about 16. It's fine. I don't really remember so obviously no lasting detrimental effect. Saying that, it is nice to have at least one meal a week together with those in the household where possible.

Have you considered that perhaps you’re so tired in the evenings because you’re only eating toast?

I believe it’s our jobs to feed our children nutritious meals, instil good habits in them and teach them how to fend for themselves. I think you need to cook for/with them and all eat together (at least sometimes) for 2-3 more years. If you then decide to stop, make sure you clearly communicate that to them so they don’t feel neglected and fall into bad habits themselves.
Being a working mum is tough but I think this is something you should really consider prioritising. (I’m far from perfect myself; just sharing my opinion here as you op made me feel sad for your girls)
PP suggestions to meal plan easy meals and to have a rota sounds like a good first step.

Good for you. The ops children don’t. Hence the post

I do about 50/50 for mine who are 18 and 21. I make sure there is plenty of stuff they can bung on a tray in the freezer and order a Hello Fresh box each week.
Im exhausted in the evening too but the Hello Fresh takes the decision making out of it and is preferable to a takeaway.
I try and do a proper meal once a week, like a roast or a lasagne but only if I know they will be in.
Sometimes I do a chilli or sausage casserole in the slow cooker and they can just dig in and do some microwave rice or frozen mash with it, so it’s there when they want it (or freeze if they don’t).

It can be tricky feeding kids whose plans change at short notice, but I do try and semi-feed them one meal a day.

I don’t cook for mine often and they’re 20 and 14. We all have varying food tastes, so I buy the food and we fend for ourselves. Sometimes I’ll make something we can all eat, we usually have a roast once a week and things like pasta everyone eats, but otherwise we do our own thing. My youngest loves cooking and is always trying out new recipes on TikTok so she’s happy.

YABU for the 15 year old. If you find it acceptable to live off cereal and toast then I can only imagine what he/she is eating..

As for the 18 and 23 year old, that is absolutely fine. DD is 20 and makes almost all of her own dinners, she prefers it that way.

Behave yourself
I work with challenging teens. Do you know how low the bar has to be set before SS will get involved?