To have stopped cooking for my kids

[JMSA]

Eldest is 23 and moving into her own place next week, so this doesn't really apply to her.
Younger ones are 18 and 15.
I'm a single mum who works full-time. I'm menopausal and exhausted. Most times I'll have cereal or toast, something really simple.
It occurred to me tonight that I've not actually made them food in a while. And I feel massively guilty. The food is there, they just have to fend for themselves a bit.
Other than that, I'm a very present and loving mum
I do their laundry etc for them. But I simply can't be arsed to make dinners. Don't get me wrong, if they said 'mum, we really fancy your lasagne', I'd do it. But they probably wouldn't as I'm not the best cook anyway.
AIBU?

Are you sure that you’re eating properly? Can they help you with batch cooking?

My kids are all at home at the minute. They are 14, 17, 20 and 23.

My 23 year old has SEN so not a typical person of that age and lives with us full time.

I don't make breakfast or weekend lunches any more - though I do tend to prompt my youngest and we often make something together. I help my youngest put together packed lunch for school. Obviously I ensure there is food available. They are free to cook or make sandwiches etc.

I do cook an evening meal for everyone (though one of the kids loves cooking and does dinner about once a week). Last night it was chicken curry.

I try to think of this as supporting them to develop life skills, but I would be lying if I said I never feel guilty.

I think 15 is too young to be solely responsible for cooking. I’d start with getting them to cook 2 nights a week with a pre agreed plan as to what they’d make (spag bol, oven baked chicken burgers in a bun with salad); at the weekend I would cook two meals with them, making sure there is enough for a second night (ie, you have 2 meals for the week) and then pick up a good supermarket pizza or healthy range microwave meal for another night. Eggs on toast are also good enough for one night.

Frankly, this is what I do now (mine are 16/19, but ND and fussy eaters. Am also menopausal, been on a diet for for a year to lose the menopause/covid 5stone so I am complete hacked off with worrying about meals I can’t/won’t eat, so you have my sympathies).

Hi OP,

I think it's awful to see the abuse you're getting. My friend really struggles with cooking and feeding her kids. I always encourage her to take shortcuts so I'm going to give you the same.

Sunday roast up several trays of veg. Buy them pre chopped from supermarket and season as you like. Get some protein sources from the butchers prepped already in marinade or whatever. Buy packets of rice, quinoa, baby potatoes that don't need peeling. Buy some bags of salad and have tins of pulses.

Then compile in various combinations throughout the week. You can stir-fry the veg and rice or microwave with potatoes or pasta. Ok so they are not as nutritious or tasty as cooking from scratch but honestly they are pretty close.

Good luck.

Some of these hysterical responses are hilarious!

Im guessing that those responses are from people who don’t yet have teenagers?

OP I think it’s fine. We tend to do a mixture to be honest - busy week nights the kids might make themselves toasties or bagel with scrambled egg, etc and then I’ll cook a ‘proper’ dinner once or twice a week.

And shock horror, my 12 year old is even capable of cooking chicken in the air fryer. Now that should be alerted to the authorities 😂

You know what I think op - we all have our strengths. No parent is 'perfect' - you are warm, loving, sounds like you do good work in the world if you support teenagers. Your children are able to cook and make things like gyozas! you've done well!

as a parent - I know there is some stuff I am really good at - taking them outdoors/ meeting up with others, Ill have a million playdates etc - their friends are always welcome here, our house is warm and caring - but Im not great at being strict with them - I know its a weakness but just always try to improve a bit.

the comments here are just pointless key board warriors - social services??? hahahah - I actually applied to early help from SS because of my autistic daughters behaviour - and I learnt how tragically bad the situation has to be before there is help available.

My mum did this when we were teenagers and our diet was crap. Pasta & sauce or super noodles every night. No fresh veg. Developed IBS.

Why don't you get hello fresh or similar and they can choose the meals and help cook?

18 and 23 is old enough to be fending for themselves. I think the 15 year old probably could still benefit from you cooking for them a few times a week if they're not into cooking and healthy eating. The alternative would be to ask one of the older kids if they would cook for the younger one in return for paying less board or something.

I would look for quick and simple meals using pre prepared ingredients if needed. I've been eating a lot of stir fries recently as I have a broken leg. I buy a big bag of ready prepped stir fry veg, sachet of sauce and already cut meat. Fresh pasta with a jar of pesto and cook up some frozen veg to mix in with is another quick option.

When I first read that you don't cook for your children I thought you were going to say they were age 6 and 8. When I read that they were 15 and 18, I thought so what's the problem here? Teenagers should be given a chance to cook so they can learn to look after themselves. They are almost grown up. Good on you for letting them cook. My friend, at age 21, was embarrassed because she no idea how to cook (her Mom always did the cooking).

I like how you’ve picked my example of cheesy beans with jacket potato, and ignored the beginning of that sentence where I literally said ‘it doesn’t even have to be healthy every night’ and gave that as an example. Either way jacket potatoes, beans which are one of your 5 a day and some calcium is more nutritious than toast ffs

I haven't read the whole thread but why don't you spend a couple of hours on a Sunday batch cooking stuff for the freezer. So lasagna, a ragu sauce that can be added to pasta. Roast a chicken and strip it off and freeze so there is always decent protein available to add a marinade to and add to noodles or whatever. I always have salmon in the freezer. Quick and easy to cook and lovely on a bed of rice with brocolli, soy sauce and some sesame seeds.

Also an air fryer and slow cooker is your friend. There are also tons of prepping recipe videos on all the socials that give quick and healthy ideas. I couldn't imagine not cooking for my kids if I'm honest. I get there are days when you just want something quick and easy and that's fine of course but I would have stuff available as mentioned above that they can heat up themselves.

Um we're having jacket potatoes and cheese and beans tonight. With some salad but it's one of my fab meals!

Disgusting not to cook for a 15 year old. Her making egg on toast is not a proper meal. Goodness mine came home from school yesterday and I cooked them a snack when home, a dinner and then a supper not forgetting breakfast (they don’t eat at school.) food is comfort , happiness and shows that you care.

That’s not what’s happening though. The children also aren’t cooking. Mums living off toast and when asked for a list of what the children will make themselves she’s listed toast and bagels. Shockingly if mums can’t be arsed at all and is living off bread items, then children do tend to follow their examples. Also the youngest is only a minor and young teenage girls NEED a decent diet at this age, it should be non negotiable. Also I suspect this has been going on for a very long time. The op didn’t spend every day cooking nutritious meals and then suddenly stopped and never did it ever again. As it is now, it’s been so long she can’t even remember the last time she actually cooked for her child, so I’m very much suspecting that there were a LOT of missed meals over a period of time before she stopped completely. Sorry, but if a 15yo girl has a diet this shit then it IS on the parent to correct!

Im a carer doing house calls and my day starts at 6.30am and ends around 20.10pm, I don’t have a car and walk over 12 miles per shift. I get a 2 hour break between my lunch and dinner calls. During my break I make dinner for my children every single day without fail, whether thats a good day and they get a full on roast, or a shit day when its a ready made asda pasta bake with a bag of salad. I can’t even imagine my 16yo coming home school and I’ve not cared enough to make her tea that night. I feel so sad at the thought of the moment that little girl realised ‘oh my mum isnt making me any dinner any more’ :/ utterly uncaring. And hypocritical of the people in here saying the children should do better when the adult in the house isnt

I couldn’t imagine not feeding and cooking for my daughter. ☹️

Some of you sound horrible.

My mum never cooked for us (MH issues) and as such I struggle with cooking and have a bad relationship with food.

I also struggle being a single parent and finding the time to do it all.

But you do need to cook for your kids still.

I like the idea of them cooking for themselves a couple of days, you cooking a couple of days and then having frozen pizza or something on the other days.

My DD makes her own breakfast and lunch most of the time but I always make her dinner, unless I’m home late and she’s eaten beforehand.

I will cook a normal meal eg spaghetti bolognaise but do a large portion of it and put half in the fridge.

Then the next day or day after, I just have to put the spaghetti on and warm up the bolognaise - we’re getting a home cooked meal still but I don’t need to cook from scratch.

So I essentially only cook 2 or 3 times a week but it does for 4-6 days.
If I had a bigger freezer I would freeze them and then have it the following week instead so we’re not eating the same food twice a week.
I am planning on buying a freezer and doing this when I can afford it.

Jacket potato with beans and cheese is a perfectly healthy meal - protein, calcium, carbohydrates and lots of fibre. Absolutely nothing wrong with it and far better than OP’s toast and cereal habit.

I’d rather be one of those dogs than one of the ops children. At least I knew the person who was supposed to love and take care of me was going to feed me at least once a day. It’s been an eye opener that some people think that providing just one single healthy meal a day for your children is spoiling them. My children are living the life of Riley then, not only getting dinner EVERY day, but even some lunches and breakfasts too!

I keep coming back to this thread because it's making me laugh.

So, to be clear, the fact that I have taught my teenagers how to cook, and about nutrition, and have a fridge packed full of veg and meat, a full fruit bowl, (very little UPFs in the house), which they are able to cook the food they like best at a time that suits them (they have quite packed sports schedules after school so one eats at 5pm and the other at 8pm which is perfect for their own schedules), and that they're not teenagers with expectations and entitlement; and that they're happy and thriving because they get to eat the precise food they want (one only eats single ingredient food and loves it, the other loves fish) and that I run my own business where demand is at its greatest 4-8pm so that I earn a shit ton of money for us to all enjoy wonderful experiences together and to be able to give them house deposits and am completely supporting 3 people on my one wage, and we will always sit down together and enjoy a lovely meal that anyone of us has cooked should the opportunity arise...

....is really really bad.

Lol. Ok. I'll beg to differ.

What kind of meals would you suggest? I would be glad to hear some examples though I have a younger child.

You are good then, as I occasionally chop up something to go in the mince, but mine is usually that with a pasta and a sauce for bolognese.

I think it's great they can fend for themselves but quite sad you don't want to cook a meal for your DC.

Sorry but I don't think this is ideal. As a child I did laundry, made my breakfast and pack lunches and helped with the housework from a young age along with helping with meal prep, but I would have felt bereft if my parents didn't cook, ever. It's important for building good food and social habits. They can be on their own for laundry though! Good luck.

Edited to add, I know someone who's parents didn't cook and in adulthood he had some compulsive food habits, like needing to finish food off people's plates.

Does that count for a mum who was giving pizza god knows how many times a week and if it wasn't takeaway it was oven ones, McDonalds/Chicken and chips and KFC.
But got pulled up on the child's weight which I'm glad for.
And called a yoghurt one of those chocolate pots with the side you pour in. And actually put them in her child's lunch box and was told not to by staff, despite the fact she works at the same school 🤦‍♀️