To have stopped cooking for my kids

[JMSA]

Eldest is 23 and moving into her own place next week, so this doesn't really apply to her.
Younger ones are 18 and 15.
I'm a single mum who works full-time. I'm menopausal and exhausted. Most times I'll have cereal or toast, something really simple.
It occurred to me tonight that I've not actually made them food in a while. And I feel massively guilty. The food is there, they just have to fend for themselves a bit.
Other than that, I'm a very present and loving mum
I do their laundry etc for them. But I simply can't be arsed to make dinners. Don't get me wrong, if they said 'mum, we really fancy your lasagne', I'd do it. But they probably wouldn't as I'm not the best cook anyway.
AIBU?

I cooked dinners but my DC did their own laundry

My mum stopped cooking for me when I was 14. But she never taught me to cook or really allowed me to. So I spent years living on potato waffles and super noodles. It was not good and took my now MIL teaching me cooking to get out of. Really effected me to be totally honest. So it really depends, have you taught them to cook? Will they cook for themselves? Are you providing them with what they need to cook for themselves?

I do think it's a bit of a shame for them to feel like their mother doesn't want to feed them anymore though. I know it made me feel pretty shit.

It's the social aspect really, isn't it? The 15 year old is technically still a child and they will notice that you aren't paying attention to whether or not they eat. You need to show them that it's important, or they might end up eating cereal for dinner when they leave home.

"You've spent your life caring for others and should I think take a bit of time now to focus on you and your wants and desires."
Disagree with this. Final push to get the youngest to adulthood first.

Yes, I see what you mean. And the thought of her feeling neglected in any way breaks my heart.
I don't want to let myself down at this final push - or them, obviously - as I have spent so long doing everything else.

Your children are old enough to be cooking for you ☺️

I wish!

Honestly, some of the responses on this thread are batshit.
Just to assure you, my daughters (AuDHD twins of 6) have a Social Worker and he doesn't give a shiny shit that I don't do 'proper meals' for my daughters most days (they eat well and fairly healthily, but I don't cook most nights) and that - shock/horror - they do chores.
Cut yourself some slack, OP.

Have you tried batch cooking? At least once a week i cook one or two massive pans of food (spag bol, curry, chilli all work well for this) and then put in tupperware in fridge/freezer. Then when you're knackered after work you just have to heat something up and have a nutritious meal. Saves so much time and energy! I do think it's important for teens to be having nutritional meals and also not growing up thinking its OK to have cereal for dinner. You're setting habits for life here.

It's funny, but my own mother would probably be horrified at me.
I grew up on home-cooked from scratch meals, and there wasn't a slice of white bread or a bottle of squash in sight!
This was in working-class Scotland in the 70s, and she really was very progressive.
She was a cold fish though. Like, unbelievably emotionally unavailable. So although I wish I was more like her in some ways, I'm so glad I'm not in others.

I've considered it. And it would make sense. But big appetites and limited freezer space have kinda put the kibosh on it.

Also, there are some really great 15 minute recipes out there! You can get your kids to help with chopping and washing up to make it even quicker, and could double up the ingredients so youve got leftovers for the next day so you basically get a "day off'. www.bbc.co.uk/food/collections/15_minute_dinners

I think it's bloody dreadful not to be providing a proper evening meal for your teenage children, particularly for the 15 year old. And as for the poster who said she doesn't cook for her 13 year old, I think that's despicable.

It's part of being a parent to look after them, whether or not you feel tired or you don't feel like it. Tough shit. Pull yourself together, act like an adult and actually act like a parent. Teenagers should be concentrating at school, hanging out with friends, not cooking, doing laundry, cleaning etc.

It makes me laugh the number of posters who say children need to learn this stuff years before they leave home, yes of course they need to know it, but it's hardly difficult to tell them how to work a washing machine, takes 5 minutes, so do it just before they leave, not when they're children.

Of course the 18 year old needs to learn to cook a few basic meals if they're going off to university etc, and of course it's fine for them and the 15 year old to cook the family a meal once in a while if they're interested in doing so, but no child should be surviving on avocado bagels and whatever else you said.

You should be providing them with a proper meal every day as the default. I think it's totally crap of you to think this is any way normal or satisfactory. How sad for your children to look back when they're older and think their mother stopped cooking for them at 15, it is not normal.

My children are grown up but I was a widowed single parent from when my eldest was 5, so I know what it's like to be worn out and exhausted, but I didn't opt out of actually looking after my children and cooking them proper meals.

These look fab. Thank you!

Calm your jets. I've already said I'm going to start doing better.

I feel a bit similar to you about it all. I have a main meal at work at lunchtime. I’m menopausal and knackered. I’ve got one who is away at uni and the younger one is about to start. They are both a bit fussy although the older one less so now he’s getting older and cooking for himself. But the younger one - there’s so much he just won’t eat. . All this talk of “it’s unforgivable to not even cook a jacket with cheese or a salad.” Yeah I know, something quick is ideal. It’s what I tend to cook myself when I’m knackered. But he doesn’t like that stuff. Won’t eat salad at all, there is not a lot “quick” and nutritious that he likes apart from an omelette. And do you know what, DH is exactly the same! They both like chilli, curry etc, which is all well and good but I don’t want to do those sorts of meals every single week day unless it’s been pre batch cooked so just defrosting and heating up.

DH was often away when they were younger or just walked in from work as I was dishing up and I just feel done with it all now. Meal planning, shopping and cooking for fussy and often ungrateful kids and husband for 20 years has made me lose the love of cooking. Even DH is fussy with food and I think for me the main thing has been the wrinkled nose “meh” look from them at the suggestion of me doing a quick basic meal for everyone rather than a cooked fancier thing each night. Or if I DO make something a bit different they pick over it and just don’t seem to enjoy it.

so I thought, oh well, if that’s what you’re both like, you go ahead and cook it! DS never does. Once in a blue moon. Even though he’s doing nothing all day apart from waiting to go off to uni 🙄. So DH does most of the cooking now. He’s a good cook. But doesn’t do any quick meals at all apart from throwing a pizza or pie and chips in the oven so if HE’s knackered then He’l do himself a pot noodle and throw a pizza in for DS, or I’ll defrost something home cooked from the freezer. And I would separately do myself a salad with mackerel, jacket with cheese and salad, omelette, steamed salmon,,new potatoes and veg. None of which DH will eat, and DS Would only eat the salmon but not the new potatoes!

I’m done with it all, OP! I suggested to DH that we could be a bit more adventurous with mid week cooking for the 2 of us once fussy DS goes to uni and at a couple of suggestions such as moussaka and Greek salad he just did the wrinkled nose fussy look!

i do think perimenopause has made me give less of a shit about it all.

Totally agree! You will be giving them an invaluable life skill to leave home and just be able to plan and cook up a couple of things. Mine have left home now and I wish I had done this - they are a bit lazy and eat far too much takeaway and quick processed food. There're tons of really simple healthy things that they can cook quickly with minimal washing up (eg slice up some chicken breast, pan fry, add some pesto, serve with pasta or salad). I so wish my kids had a mindset to cook a simple meal.
I find having a fixed plan for dinners for the week helps, it takes the 'thinking' part out!

The thing is, people need to eat properly. Nutritious balanced meals (at least most of the time; the odd crap meal isn't going to kill anyone).

I would recommend that you and your two youngest sit down, have a chat about this and work out a schedule for food provisioning, cooking and cleaning up. Either split it by task, or take turns, or some varient of the above.

I think it's understandable that you are tired, and your kids need to be doing their share, but I also think you need to show a bit of leadership on this, not just allow everyone to descend into living on bits of toast and ad-hoc snacky meals.

It does sound like your youngest is at least attempting to prepare reasonable nutritious food and has some cooking skills - maybe help her build on this together?

15 is too young to be fending for themselves every meal. At that age mine have been helping with the family meal (my youngest is still younger than that), or if it's a night where I'm not cooking for everyone then they're responsible for themselves while I make something for the youngest. At 15 I wouldn't expect someone to be able to do much more cooking than eggs, pasta, that sort of thing. Not a proper meal.

In all honesty OP, it’s really easy to slip into bad habits when you’re exhausted. And the menopause plus general life stress really is fucking exhausting.

I have 14 yr old twins and I know they definitely see me cooking for them as a way of showing love. I think as teen DC start to approach adulthood, it’s so important that they still feel loved and sometimes “looked after” - because even as grownups sometimes we still want that from our parents occasionally. Your DC might not feel the same way, but even if they do feel like that a little bit, cooking for them shows that you’re interested in their well-being and care that they’re eating properly.

And of course you care. But sometimes it’s easy to overlook how something might feel on the other side. Teens are often sensitive little souls, despite the attitude 😂

I agree with the PP that said this is the final push. It won’t be like this forever. You just need to figure out how to make this easier.

Be honest with yourself - on a bad night will you still be up to making a decent meal, even if it only takes 15-20 minutes?

Because if not, you need to have a back up plan, like some batch cooking you can heat up.

I know on nights where I’m exhausted, I just don’t have it in me to stand and cook, chop etc for even 10 minutes. I definitely need back up meals in the freezer that I can just warm through.

I think it’s about being honest with yourself and making sure you have options. Quick 15-20 min meals are brilliant for lots of nights but if you’re anything like me, there will be those nights where you’re just bloody shattered and can’t even cope with that. Have a back up plan ready.

Love the idea of splitting the cooking out. Thats a nice “together” thing too.

Is there any way to make more freezer space? Can you get a chest freezer in the garage? Any unused cupboards that could be pulled out for a small freezer? We made changes to get a bigger fridge and oh my days, it made such a difference. Think radically - any way to switch things round?

I would definitely have a weekly meal plan. For me, the mental load of deciding what to do every bastard night is half the battle. If I plan it out at the start of the week it’s much easier. Surprisingly so.

I’ve even done Gousto boxes before when they were on offer. I got some great new recipes on cards (which works better for me than digital). And again, no mental load once I’d ordered.

Finally, I hesitate to say it but the famous MN chicken plays its part every week in my house 😂 Get a big one and you will get meals for 3 nights. You have so many options as cooking the meat is the longest thing. Chicken pretty much cooks itself. You could whack one in Sunday evening to have meals for Mon/Tues/Weds. Salad, tacos, pasta, curry - you could even buy a jar of shop sauce or the sachets to use as a back-up to have with the chicken, fresh veg, and rice - and it’s still be a decent meal.

It’s good that you’ve had the insight to recognise that things aren’t quite right. You just need to figure out how to make this work without totally burning out.

(Without wanting to be patronising, have you had your bloods checked recently? There might be a reason for feeling so tired that could be rectified - B12, thyroid, even HRT?)

You can do this OP - you just need a plan of action 💐

I don't think at 15 they should be fending for themselves, but they are definitely old enough to be helping you. (And I along with lots of others didn't live at home at 18 so had to cook my own at that age too) I think eating a proper meal will probably help you to feel a bit more energy maybe? I sit down with mine and get everyone to give ideas of what they want to have. Slow cooker is great too for making something ahead and not having to do it all in the evening. Or we sometimes cook enough food for two dinners, then we don't have to cook every day 😁

I'm not surprised of all you're eating is toast and cereal, there are lots of simple meals you can make and make enough for a couple of days or use the slow cooker.

I have this airfryer which also has a grill function. It’s been a game changer for quick meals. I stick seasoning on meat it fish, or whatever and just bung it on. Fajitas with veg, all ready so quickly. I serve with pittas or lazy rice. You can also heat up pizza in five minutes. But it’s really easy to make healthy meals quickly. DS is 16 and I cook for him. Though he can fend for himself if I’m not in

@SpidersAreShitheads

Many thanks for your very kind and helpful reply.

Sorry but there is a huge difference between getting teens pitching in with the cooking... And entirely washing your hands of the responsibility of meals for your kids.
I cannot believe there are parents on this thread who've stopped bothering 😳
Texting a teen at 4pm to say 'there's mince in the fridge, frozen chopped soffritto mix and tinned tomatoes in the cupboard, can you put a bolognaise sauce on please?
Is entirely different to just making yourself a bit of toast at 7pm or some cereal and vaguely hoping your children ate something.
Give yourself a hard shake OP you have crossed a line here.
As others have noted, you're probably tired in the evening because you are eating crap and not enough of it I'd bet.

I agree!kids of this age should be doing laundry and cleaning. It is wrong to do everything for them!