To have stopped cooking for my kids

[JMSA]

Eldest is 23 and moving into her own place next week, so this doesn't really apply to her.
Younger ones are 18 and 15.
I'm a single mum who works full-time. I'm menopausal and exhausted. Most times I'll have cereal or toast, something really simple.
It occurred to me tonight that I've not actually made them food in a while. And I feel massively guilty. The food is there, they just have to fend for themselves a bit.
Other than that, I'm a very present and loving mum
I do their laundry etc for them. But I simply can't be arsed to make dinners. Don't get me wrong, if they said 'mum, we really fancy your lasagne', I'd do it. But they probably wouldn't as I'm not the best cook anyway.
AIBU?

I've not hit the menopause yet so I'm not going to judge.

It's quite hard. I don't think I've ever felt so flat in my life.

The OP is knackered working f/t, no partner to share the load and doing all the chores in the house. Her children have more spare time and probably a load more energy and could help out by cooking for the family at times throughout the week. It's not going to do them any harm to learn how to cook - I'm sure there's plenty of stuff on TikTok or Instagram to inspire them!

Same!

@soberholic @JMSA haha, thank you! 😀

Dd3 made this even though I kept saying I'm the only one of a family of five who likes feta! She's a bugger for viral stuff. Was nice but I had to eat it all over a couple of days.

It is good isnt it! 😀

Another is sprinkle Cajun spices on salmon and bake, and serve with a salad. My lazy salad is canned canneli beans and green beans in equal parts, chopped red onion, for the dressing salt, lemon juice, olive oil and a tiny bit of paprika. Honestly I hate cooking so much, but even I can do this.

@RichardsGear

I don't have TIKTOK but my teens do, and it seems to be great for meals. I always know something is in vogue when the kids ask me to buy random ingredients!

It might surprise you that there are millions of single mothers with jobs who manage to feed their children just fine, tired or not.

This. Preparing dinner is much more than a plate of food.

Nobody is perfect. However, even on my most exhausted, chronic pain flare days after working a 9-5 job I still never failed to provide a meal for DD when she was younger. Make something quick and easy, use the microwave, get a reasonably healthy takeaway if you absolutely must. It’s inexcusable to just leave a 15 year old without a decent dinner.

Tortellini and pasta sauce for example. Both in the fresh Italian aisle. Takes less than 5 mins to whip up and all teens love it.

Jeez so many of you seem to think you're perfect parents.

Firstly the 18 year old is an adult;many 18 year olds go off to uni and have to shop,cook and clean for themselves and do their own laundry.

The OP is fine to let them make their own food and should let them do their laundry too.

It's also not negligible to allow a 15 year old to cook for themselves if said 15 year old can be trusted to be sensible which the OP has stated they are.

Stop piling on the mum guilt and shaming here.

There's so many keyboard warriors on here and most of them are full of absolute shit.

@Galoop

Another weird coincidence, but I made the 18 year old a cannellini bean salad the other week. I even served it up in a fancy lidded box like the Kardashians would have 🙄
Only for her to tell me she doesn't like cannellini beans because they 'taste like soil'.
I could have sworn she loved them!

We have kids coming and going with different activities so eating all together isn't away possible. I try and do something nutritious most nights but occasionally they'll make pasta or pot noodle because they're going out early. I think if you never make anything for them they will feel bit sad looking back. Easy ones are jacket potatoes- beans and cheese or whatever. Fry up with toast. Pasta with pesto, cheese and salad. I also try and do meat a few nights as its easy to end up anaemic, especially girls.

Thanks everyone. It's not easy to read. And I may even have shed a few tears But it HAS given me the kick up the arse I need.

As PP said, no one would blink if you were the dad. And I bet a dad wouldn't feel guilty either.

For me its more about bonding time, so I think one night a week "family meal" would be nice, you could even cook together.

Otherwise, it's not an issue.

And in fairness, they ARE fussy. Of course I'd make pasta and baked potatoes if they were happy with that. But they never are, and I think that's in part why I backed off and left them to it.
Well, that and laziness

Sorry, but no. You don’t get out of feeding your kids their tea because you’ve got a job and housework. My dh works offshore, we see him once a month. I have a full time job plus another side one involving a small holding. I still make dinner, there’s nothing special about it. It’s ok to have off days where you just don’t have it in you, it sounds like the op stopped caring long ago though. If something in your life has to give, it should not be caring for your children

There’s a thread right now where the ops ex is getting torn apart for feeding his kids takeaway for tea for 3 nights in a row. Low effort and utterly shit really, but even that’s better than this

Well, bully for them!

Yeah I get that. I think they should definitely be doing their own washing though or at least pitching in. That would give you a bit more headspace to plan some meals. Could you sit down and agree maybe a couple of meals for next week?

Yeh, it’s great that most kids have parents who give a shit about their health and wellbeing, and don’t make them feel like an inconvenience

@JMSA in many many cultures children this age will be cooking for the whole family, and often its a bigger family so am not going to condemn in. In fact, in my culture you would be considered a good mum for teaching them adulting skills. My only concern is you eating cereal, most of which is junk. Perhaps consider a schedule where you cook something simple twice a week (pasta and peas, tomato sauce, etc) then the kids take turns the rest of the week? And dont let people make yoi feel crap for being an exhausted, menopausal, single mum. It sounds hard so hugs to you

The washing is a tricky one. I'd rather do it all, as my drying space is so limited. My 23 year old does her own laundry and it's a battle for use of the Lakeland heated airer (we're in Scotland)!
I couldn't cope with multiple loads being done all the time.

We're not talking kids of 5 and 8 here - one of them is 18! An adult technically, and more than capable of knocking up a few dinners to help out her knackered mother who does everything else for her.

@GingerScallop

Thank you for your nice words.

If anyone is still posting unkindly after my update - where I've clearly stated that I'll step up - then frankly that says more about them.