To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids??

[lolamillyrosie]

My ex and I separated last year - we have 3 children together which are DD13, DS11 and DD5. The kids are with me for a week and a half and then they get their dad for 3 days every fortnight.

My issue is that he does not cook for them ever. They are constantly just allowed to order fast food in - pizza, Wingstop whatever they fancy. The kids at first thought this was cool but now they are bored of it. Takeaways are meant to be a treat or a last minute option and obviously they are used to having home cooked, healthy meals. He's never ever bothered with cooking and if I'm being honest, isn't in the best shape. All my 3 children are slim and healthy and I'd like to keep them that way but he just seems so lazy.

I tried asking him if he could try and cook proper meals and that it didn't have to be fancy - frozen veg, pasta, quesadillas. Anything simple. But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted. But they do not even want this anymore. DD13 is all about being healthy now and loves the idea of having a nice Caesar salad and going to the gym and she was happy to eat junk food every once in a while but has mentioned it's making her feel sick. DS11 isn't really too bothered but he will eat anything. And DD5 doesn't even finish her food most of the time as it is so oily and upsets her stomach.

I mentioned this to my friend and she laughed and said 3 days of some fun eating wouldn't hurt anyone. Which I understand but I think they should be getting some form of veg in. According to her it's a normal amount of fast food as they only have it for dinner. But 3 nights of junk food for dinner is still awful to me! My ex says I am too health conscious and will give all 3 children eating disorders by restricting their food and is now accusing me of already doing that to DD13. But she is absolutely fine and a healthy weight and she eats a very normal amount of food. I never restrict their food, I just portion size adequately, and if they are still hungry fruit and veg is always available but they rarely are to be honest. But because of the way my friend reacted I am now thinking that perhaps I should just let it slide?? I mean they are getting good meals at home at least.

Their average day of eating at their dad's is this btw:
Breakfast - some form of sugary cereal and toast that they fix themselves
Lunch - sandwiches and crisps and a chocolate bar
Dinner - fast food - pizza hut, wingstop, mcdonalds etc.

Snacks include extra crisps, fruit, bars, buttered rolls.
I'm aware I am probably being too dramatic and that maybe this isn't actually a horrendus diet but I'd appreciate some feedback!

Are there any healthier takeaway options you could suggest to the eldest? A lot of pasta places do takeaway now (may have salad options) or sushi or thai is better than pizza or burgers.

My ex is the same and it's infuriating. Yes a few days of junk won't hurt too much, but he's copping out of parenting. Why should it always be me fussing over fruit and veg while daddy gets the 'fun' food of burgers and shakes? I can't do much about it so try to not think about it too much, and have to counteract it all by being healthy for them when they are with me. My son has gained quite a bit of weight after a week holiday with their dad, and is getting more health conscious now, so I'm hoping eventually he'll just refuse the junk food. It's ridiculous though that the other adult in their life can't be trusted to be responsible! Then again, I knew that it would probably be the whole 'Disney dad' experience when I left him but the benefits to my sanity currently outweigh my concerns about healthy eating. Sorry OP, it's a tough battle. Keep doing what you're doing and showing your dc better habits.

I would send them with a carrier bag of fruit and tell them they must all eat some to counteract the gunk.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned, it’s a long thread so haven’t read it all.

I understand you shouldn’t have to do this, but to solve the problem, could you precook and freeze three days worth of dinners? And they bring those with them when they are at his?

The suggestion ref taking a carrier bag of fruit actually sounds like a good idea.

Hopefully he won't see it as passive aggressive. You don't want to start an ongoing feud over it.

YANBU at all - that’s too much junk food, and must also cost him a fortune. I would be feeling sick like your eldest.

If he must get takeaway, and is happy to spend on it, can he order something like Wagamama or even Nando’s which can be reasonably healthy?

As an aside - is it only me that’s never heard of Wingstop? It felt like a bit of a Balonz moment having that thrown in in the same breath as McDonalds and Pizza Hut!

Either send the 13yo with basic ingredients to cook or they could ask to order healthier take aways like
Mc Donald's wraps, Subway, Burritos. Not because it's healthier, just because they don't want greasy chips or pizza etc

Or perhaps expect the adult male to do this.

Yes but he obviously isn't, that's why OP started the thread isn't it?

Yes turn the teenage girl into surrogate parent 🙄

Some people seem to have missed that he doesn’t allow them to choose for themselves. He claims that he “knows what they like” and orders for them. So presumably he is ordering them crap, probably deliberately because he knows it bothers the OP.

He sounds like a douche. It also sounds like you know there is an element of him wanting to get under your skin, even at the cost of his children. If this is the case there’s probably not much you can do since he’s motivated by spite.

I think the only option is to allow your 13 year-old to decide if she wants to go at all, or only for part of the time so she doesn’t have to deal with the garbage he feeds them. If she chooses to just go Saturday during the day, for example, perhaps he will realize that his attempts to spite you have repercussions with the children. In all likelihood however he probably couldn’t be arsed even if they all eventually stop going.

I’m also a bit aghast at everyone thinking the 13 yo girl should step up where the adult male isn’t 🤔

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I think you have this wrong, everyone knows the man should step up but the OP has no control over that, he doesn't care and the more OP brings it up the more he will do it. He's a shit dad, but not shit enough to stop contact.

The oldest child, who just happens to be female but I'd imagine the same to be true of either sex, on the other hand, is unhappy with the situation and is old enough to go to the shops or take food with them and prepare it. Giving the OP some sway over the situation.

Lazy behaviour. It puts all the pressure on you to cook every meal and never get a take away. Take away three nights a week is not healthy.

I’ve entirely missed the point and instead wonder why he only has them 3 days once a fortnight. Why not half/half?

Because I bore most of the parenting when we were together and the older 2 wanted to stay with me more anyway. The younger one loves her dad a lot but she was only 3.5 when we split and he couldn't look after her for that long when she was that small. He wasn't happy about that but quickly realised he would not be able to look after them for a week straight and he only has them Friday evenings and weekends as he would not be able to handle the school run. Also their schools and clubs and friends are all near to where I live. He is still indignant and wants at least my 5 year old for a week as the older 2 don't want to stay there that long.

But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted.

Well obviously they don't want it!

TBH I would be inclined to butt out and let your DD argue this out with your ex, he will only think you are putting them up to it.

@lolamillyrosie if your DD is 13 then she's old enough to get stroppy! She needs to put her foot down and tell her dad that she doesn't want to eat processed junk high in saturated fat and would like something healthier.

In bigger towns JustEat deliver from cafes and offer lots of healthy options.

I'd be furious if my kids had 3 days of junk per fortnight. A pasta sauce and packet of pasta isn't exactly difficult.

I fully get where you’re coming from. My 14 year old daughter would be the same and feel sick after a lot of takeaways and bread etc. My son (12) likes a takeaway, but he’s very sporty and would also not want all that crap. It’s very lazy and unhealthy of their father. It’s not like he hasn’t got the resources! Takeaways aren’t exactly cheap. I can see your frustration. As others have said you may need to encourage your 13 year old to cook 🙏

hard relate - my ex does the same. And also cries eating disorder when I raise it - but normalising junk food is far more likely to lead to eating disorders because that stuff is designed to be addictive. Not eating enough is HARD (for me anyway). I agree with others there’s not much you can do other than send over ‘leftover’ dinners that he can just heat up so they at least get one or two of those dinners replaced with real food. That’s what I do, saves ex money and helps my DS digestion. Everyone’s a winner.

Awful.

My dh is still here but on his nights it was a similar story. "Help yourself to a sandwich" was his night of doing the kids.

🙄

His justification was that he doesn't care about food and nutrition and it's not important. Weaoonised incompetence.

It's not ideal but I don't think 3 days of poor diet will do that much harm. The more important issue is that your children are bored with the food.

Can't your ex do very simple things like baked potato and cheese/tuna/baked beans and stick a baking apple in the oven to be eaten with supermarket custard? This requires virtually no cooking. Of course, you shouldn't have to but could you send over some pre-prepared macaroni cheese that only has to be put in the oven for about 30 mins?

The 13 year old should be able to make an omelette.

I understand your frustration OP. One of my DD is gluten intolerant but whenever she was with her father he totally ignored that. I learned to make peace with the fact he will parent (and feed them) his way … and I will parent (and feed them) mine. Enjoy the lack of responsibility. It’s the only respite you get!

One night of takeaways every two weeks would be ok with me but 3 is quite a bit, especially 3 on a row. What about buying the ingredients for your 13 year old to take with her. Is she able to cook something like Bolognese or fajitas? With side salads.

You could even send them with 'dump bags' for the slow cooker. I've started preparing food the night before (I call them dump bags for curries, stews soups ect) and sticking it in the slow cooker the next morning and it's ready for us getting in from work.

It is crap but you have to let it go.
It isn’t going to harm them and the more fuss you make the worse it will be. He will do it more to spite you. Give it no attention.