To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids??

[lolamillyrosie]

My ex and I separated last year - we have 3 children together which are DD13, DS11 and DD5. The kids are with me for a week and a half and then they get their dad for 3 days every fortnight.

My issue is that he does not cook for them ever. They are constantly just allowed to order fast food in - pizza, Wingstop whatever they fancy. The kids at first thought this was cool but now they are bored of it. Takeaways are meant to be a treat or a last minute option and obviously they are used to having home cooked, healthy meals. He's never ever bothered with cooking and if I'm being honest, isn't in the best shape. All my 3 children are slim and healthy and I'd like to keep them that way but he just seems so lazy.

I tried asking him if he could try and cook proper meals and that it didn't have to be fancy - frozen veg, pasta, quesadillas. Anything simple. But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted. But they do not even want this anymore. DD13 is all about being healthy now and loves the idea of having a nice Caesar salad and going to the gym and she was happy to eat junk food every once in a while but has mentioned it's making her feel sick. DS11 isn't really too bothered but he will eat anything. And DD5 doesn't even finish her food most of the time as it is so oily and upsets her stomach.

I mentioned this to my friend and she laughed and said 3 days of some fun eating wouldn't hurt anyone. Which I understand but I think they should be getting some form of veg in. According to her it's a normal amount of fast food as they only have it for dinner. But 3 nights of junk food for dinner is still awful to me! My ex says I am too health conscious and will give all 3 children eating disorders by restricting their food and is now accusing me of already doing that to DD13. But she is absolutely fine and a healthy weight and she eats a very normal amount of food. I never restrict their food, I just portion size adequately, and if they are still hungry fruit and veg is always available but they rarely are to be honest. But because of the way my friend reacted I am now thinking that perhaps I should just let it slide?? I mean they are getting good meals at home at least.

Their average day of eating at their dad's is this btw:
Breakfast - some form of sugary cereal and toast that they fix themselves
Lunch - sandwiches and crisps and a chocolate bar
Dinner - fast food - pizza hut, wingstop, mcdonalds etc.

Snacks include extra crisps, fruit, bars, buttered rolls.
I'm aware I am probably being too dramatic and that maybe this isn't actually a horrendus diet but I'd appreciate some feedback!

Can your ex take them out to eat one of the days? I know a takeaway is cheaper but even if he took them to McDonald's they have healthier options which the children could choose themselves, does he even take them out?

This. My DSs' dad is exactly the same and has them for exactly the same amount of time - the only difference is that they- especially the oldest- fucking love unhealthy takeaways. And I rarely feel that I can kick back and get us a takeaway together, because I'm having to be boring, naggy mum constantly trying to find healthy meals that they'll both eat.

It fucking sucks.

I'm not sure if anyone has already suggested this...
The kids can take something to eat with them for their first evening of the 3 they spend with their father - for example a delicious, healthy turkey mince lasagne or a yummy lentil & veg curry in a Pyrex dish with lid that perhaps you've made. It would be ready for the oven and could be on the table in less time than it takes to wait for a Deliveroo, plus your daughter could take a big bowl of salad with dressing in a separate lidded jar if she fancied. If your kids are feeling very gutsy, you could get a cooler bag and freezer blocks, then arm them with 2 home-cooked oven-ready dishes plus sides, desert/fruit salad, yogurt drinks or homemade breakfast muffins or granola, a few pots of tortilla wrap fillers (proteins & veggies) that you know your children will definitely eat. It may get a bit stressful, costly and time-consumming arranging it all (maybe even anxiety triggering if the kids are worried about the risk of upsetting their dad), but you and the kids could have a lot of fun together planning and/or making the food they want to take with them, changing the menu to keep things interesting. If your kids are not feeling very brave, try to get them to order smaller portions from whatever junk food menu their dad provides, and give them some money to buy pre-prepared salads, fruits and yogurts to accompang their meals in their dad's house. Any option you & kids take will hopefully decrease the 3 days of junk food to 2 or just 1. Keep looking at the bigger picture and help your children to see it too - healthy eating is a positive life investment. Best of luck 🫂

Could you send the kids their with a homemade pasta Tupperware box - then at least you are reducing the unhealthy meals to two nights?

But your 13 yo is old enough to cook… if you Ex would shop.

I would say 3 0ut of 14 nights is no problem, but the kids themselves are unhappy with the diet, so it seems unfair that they are suffering.
There are lots of takeaways that offer healthy options, we have a steak house nearby, that also does grilled chicken, halloumi, feta, tofu, but the best bit is the amazing huge salads you can get there, every veg under the sun. They also deliver. A few doors down is a Chinese, not greasy at all and they do lovely stirfries, lots of veg and noodles. Could the older children look for something similar where Dad lives? Also take a bag of fruit with them?

You were with him all those years and just realised what a slob he is!? Suggest they have takeaways at Pret instead

This is my ex. Except we are 50/50. The kids are 13 and 16.
Breakfasts are pre packed croissants and pain au chocolate.
Lunch they get at school, but at weekends/school hols its usually Costa or if he has to go somewhere he stops in a petrol station for a pasty/slice of some description.

I hate it - I feel like we can never have takeaways here as a treat because they have so many there they're just not any more.

not great, but presumably they are his children as well?

Thank you. He is a grown man and should be able to feed his own kids healthy meals.

No, it's not good. He needs some one-pot wonders. For instance, Rachel Roddy has a fantastic chicken and potato bake here: https://www.theguardian.com/food/2022/dec/27/baked-chicken-and-potatoes-with-lemon-and-rosemary-recipe-rachel-roddy

and roast chicken stuffed with herbs is hardly difficult. Then they could just have a takeaway once a week as a treat.

It's horrendous if that's not how you est. it would make me feel sick because fast food is not something I enjoy.
Do you have a custody agreement? Could you bring this up somehow?

My post was certainly not that. The father is not stepping up and the OP can't force him to.

A 13 year old and an 11 year old should be able to cook a simple meal regardless of whether they are male or female.

Other people have made other suggestions but mainly they put the onus back on the OP eg cooking a meal for them to take with them or buying food for them to take.

The OP should not be subsidising her ex on his three days.

I'd worry if my 13-year-old was into just salad and the gym (and caesar salad is not particularly healthy). Also I would worry if not asking for seconds after your carefully portioned-controlled meals - the message you are sending is that food is fuel and not a source of pleasure to be enjoyed, whereas a healthy attitude to food is that it is to be enjoyed and that healthy food is enjoyable (because it is - I would hate to live on salads and its unnecessary!) and that sometimes we choose to eat things which are 'unhealthy' - fgs, cheese is supposed to be unhealthy and it's wonderful stuff! Teenagers and pre-teenagers are growing at an enormous rate and need a lot of food, more, quite often, than an adult, and need a fair amount of carbs e.g. rice, pasta, potatoes, bread etc. as well as protein. Be a little less heavy-handed with the portioning, and offer something more enterprising than plain fruit and veg as fill-ups - one can get very bored with apples (and most of them taste like cottonwool unless you can find coxes or russets) - a fruit salad, a summer pudding, banana splits (v. 80s, I know! but fun!), Eton mess with yoghurt rather than cream?
As to ex-H feeding them pizza, why not? They can tell him if they are unhappy about the food - and he can order healthy take-aways or more interesting ones, if he doesn't like to cook. It's pointless telling you they don't like the food, he will just see that as you interfering if you say anything.
By all means, teach DD (and the others) to cook - she will probably enjoy making bread and cakes, and also making stuff like hummus (you can use peanut butter if you cannot get hold of tahini for this), once you can make bread you can also make pizza dough, so she could cook for everyone - there is nothing terribly unhealthy about home-made pizza with salad. But don't turn cooking into producing healthy fuel - nothing more likely to end with a bad relationship with food. Buy her some cookery books - I find those produced e.g. by slimming organisations useful e.g. Slimming World. The recipes are portion-controlled but also fun and easy to make and tasty.

That looks really, really nice.

In what way are quesadillas more healthy than pizza?

Yes, it is - I've made it a couple of times although I did cut down a bit on the oil.

One shit thing about divorce is losing control over things like this when your DC visit the other parent, nothing you can really do. You’ve asked him to change and he doesn’t want to. The best you could do is either send DC with bags full of healthy food to prepare themselves and teach them how to cook basic meals. You shouldn’t have to do this but as I say, it’s a rubbish part of divorce. The eldest is old enough to cook simple meals- eggs, pasta etc.

Tbh I would be really pissed if someone fed my child food knowing it will upset her stomach. It is just vile. I feel for you.

Can you find healthier delivery options that operate around his postcode and tell him to order from there?
Or 13y old can order and he can just pay?

Send some fruit with them, it will not spoil in three days. Maybe even some healthy snacks? Or "leftover" for the first day?
At least the youngest one can have some normal food if she is hungry after crap.

Well of course she is not JUST into salad and the gym?? She also enjoys pizza and junk food and well balanced meals. Her idea of healthy is not having too much sugar or too much of generally what's classified as junk food like crisps or chocolate which is fine for a 13 year old. She isn't counting calories or anything like that and has a perfectly balanced diet. I know a Caesar salad isn't all that healthy but she just enjoys it a lot and likes making it. She has 3 full meals with carbs, protein and everything she needs and has snacks whenever she wants but she is full mostly. They don't ask for seconds because they are full. Of course if they want more, they can have it. I often grab seconds myself so why would I deny my kids!! But if they don't want it, I am not going to force them!! And I don't know where you got the idea that we live on salads. I don't really consider cheese unhealthy - all my kids love it and my 5 year old has a cheesestring in her packed lunch quite a lot so I don't know why you are saying that.

They have plenty of carbs 😁Literally had lasagne with garlic bread today. I know I said they have fruit and veg to snack on but there is more than that, they just often go for fruit. Fruit is delicious and there is such a large variety of it!! Never said I only have apples...we have blueberries, all types of grapes, strawberries, watermelon, pineapple, bananas, raspberries, cherries and more quite often.

And I am against my ex feeding them junk 3 nights in a row as that doesn't leave me much room in a fortnight to treat them myself which is unfair. It is also literally making my 5 year old ill sometimes so there is that too. I referenced above some of the other points you made.

I've decided my 13 year old shouldn't have to cook as a chore for her siblings. She does that at home and we have done home made pizza with home made chips at home before so they are fine there thank you. I have just told them if they are unhappy, don't hesitate to say and worry about arguments.

Again, never said that cooking is just producing healthy fuel...my older 2 have great relationships with food and thankfully all 3 are healthy weights and not underweight whatsoever. I hope to keep them like that. She can cook well. Sorry I am always happy to take advice and tips but this comment really annoyed me as it is just so much assuming and judging!!!! Everything else has been mainly helpful on here, thank you. X

If you cook with your kids maybe teach them how to do something simple and show dad. If you don't then teach them something simple. Our 17 and 20 year old make pasta dishes including mac and cheese, homemade nacho sauce on tortilla chips. Maybe mince with tacos, if you feel you can't do that maybe you could may food and take it with them to their dads to warm up. You can get the ceaser salad packs already done in Asda etc if that what they like.

Sadly once he's got DC he decides what they eat. My exh gave my DC food poisoning shortly after we first separated by feeding them either not fully cooked turkey left over from Xmas or more likely he had not kept it refrigerated. Then he brought them back early and they were sick for 2 more days when he should have been caring for them. I was furious with him but annoyingly nothing I could do.

Sorry. Your original post came over somewhat fuel v food to me. Besides, 3 nights a fortnight of junk food is not that bad. There is plenty of room in the rest of the fortnight to treat kids - though I am against using food as treats, some treat-type food can easily be part of a balanced diet.
I have never had your problem, fortunately. My ex always fed home-made food to DC - mostly Gujurati vegetarian food (which is deeply unhealthy if you use ghee, but fine if you use sunflower oil, which he did as he'd had two heart attacks). There are some great comfort foods there, too, such as dahl and rice (still my DD's go-to for comfort along with mashed potato - not together obv).
What I find more distressing than the junk is the boring nature of the take-aways. There are more fun things - and healthier - than take-away pizzas etc. Maybe show DC such menus, perhaps they can take them to ex-H house as stuff they have picked up that they would like to try?