Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids??

172 replies

lolamillyrosie · 02/09/2024 21:46

My ex and I separated last year - we have 3 children together which are DD13, DS11 and DD5. The kids are with me for a week and a half and then they get their dad for 3 days every fortnight.

My issue is that he does not cook for them ever. They are constantly just allowed to order fast food in - pizza, Wingstop whatever they fancy. The kids at first thought this was cool but now they are bored of it. Takeaways are meant to be a treat or a last minute option and obviously they are used to having home cooked, healthy meals. He's never ever bothered with cooking and if I'm being honest, isn't in the best shape. All my 3 children are slim and healthy and I'd like to keep them that way but he just seems so lazy.

I tried asking him if he could try and cook proper meals and that it didn't have to be fancy - frozen veg, pasta, quesadillas. Anything simple. But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted. But they do not even want this anymore. DD13 is all about being healthy now and loves the idea of having a nice Caesar salad and going to the gym and she was happy to eat junk food every once in a while but has mentioned it's making her feel sick. DS11 isn't really too bothered but he will eat anything. And DD5 doesn't even finish her food most of the time as it is so oily and upsets her stomach.

I mentioned this to my friend and she laughed and said 3 days of some fun eating wouldn't hurt anyone. Which I understand but I think they should be getting some form of veg in. According to her it's a normal amount of fast food as they only have it for dinner. But 3 nights of junk food for dinner is still awful to me! My ex says I am too health conscious and will give all 3 children eating disorders by restricting their food and is now accusing me of already doing that to DD13. But she is absolutely fine and a healthy weight and she eats a very normal amount of food. I never restrict their food, I just portion size adequately, and if they are still hungry fruit and veg is always available but they rarely are to be honest. But because of the way my friend reacted I am now thinking that perhaps I should just let it slide?? I mean they are getting good meals at home at least.

Their average day of eating at their dad's is this btw:
Breakfast - some form of sugary cereal and toast that they fix themselves
Lunch - sandwiches and crisps and a chocolate bar
Dinner - fast food - pizza hut, wingstop, mcdonalds etc.

Snacks include extra crisps, fruit, bars, buttered rolls.
I'm aware I am probably being too dramatic and that maybe this isn't actually a horrendus diet but I'd appreciate some feedback!

OP posts:
username44416 · 02/09/2024 21:48

No it's not healthy but what can you realistically do?

JennyTalia · 02/09/2024 21:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/09/2024 21:51

Maybe teach your dd to make some basic healthy things that she likes and get her to ask her dad to get in the ingredients?

Or get them to ask to see all the take away options? Round our way you can get some better things on Deliveroo these days, some normal restaurants that will do things like pasta or salad.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/09/2024 21:51

Ask DD if she wants to start prepping some food with you to take there?? Maybe it will shame him… it’s not good at all but I don’t see how you can force him. If it’s not a formal 50/50 arrangement can you reduce the days due to the kids’ health?

HelloMiss · 02/09/2024 21:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Agree!

Stanleycupsarecool · 02/09/2024 21:54

Can you suggest that the he gives the 13 year old the same money he would spend on take aways and that they go to the supermarket together and pick out some things together and they can cook it together?

Mikunia · 02/09/2024 21:54

YANBU it's awful and if it was you doing it people would be slating you but there will no doubt be loads of comments about how At lEaSt hE iS fEeDiNg tHeM.

I see that the posts saying can your daughter cook have already started.

The bar for men is so low it's depressing.

Renamed · 02/09/2024 21:54

He’s a crap dad if it’s making them feel ill and he can’t provide alternatives ( not even some fruit?) If I had to eat like that nearly half the week I’d feel ill too.

lolamillyrosie · 02/09/2024 21:54

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug That is quite helpful but her dad wouldn't bring in the ingredients for her - he doesn't do a whole lot of grocery shopping and finds it a waste. He's happy to do sandwich stuff for them and basic cereals.

She hasn't asked for a salad because he orders it himself. He says it's much easier and he knows what they like. But I will ask her to see if that helps.

And it isn't a 50/50 arrangement anyway - he does only get them 3/14 nights. So I realise I might be being unreasonable as they get healthy stuff all other days.

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 02/09/2024 21:55

Encourage the 13yo to cook, even if it’s beans on toast or a basic pasta dish.

cosyleafcafe · 02/09/2024 21:56

It's very convenient that his form of doing something fun for the kids also involves him getting a takeaway and not lifting a finger, isn't it?

He's lazy and can't be arsed to cook for them, and is twisting that to make it sound like you're a killjoy.

Not a lot you can do though really. The kids will start advocating for themselves soon enough.

CelestialNexus · 02/09/2024 21:56

Stanleycupsarecool · 02/09/2024 21:54

Can you suggest that the he gives the 13 year old the same money he would spend on take aways and that they go to the supermarket together and pick out some things together and they can cook it together?

He's not going to change, you can tell this already.
He's lazy, and doesn't give a shit about his dc

Pantaloons99 · 02/09/2024 21:56

There's nothing wrong with stressing about this. It's a worry because surprise surprise - eating shit does lead to problems for many people.

The truth is, you aren't going to be able to control this. I'd make sure that you don't do treat nights like Maccy Ds etc when with you so that those 3 days aren't that much in the overall scheme of things.

I know it's unfair but what other choice is there? You'll get nowhere asking him to change it. They tend to rebel if they feel they're being dictated to by the ex.

It's not so bad if it's the 3 days out of 14. It's just on you to be the healthy boring guy all the time with you.

lolamillyrosie · 02/09/2024 21:57

Stanleycupsarecool · 02/09/2024 21:54

Can you suggest that the he gives the 13 year old the same money he would spend on take aways and that they go to the supermarket together and pick out some things together and they can cook it together?

He unfortunately hates cooking so she'd be doing it alone.

But I might encourage her to and maybe send her with money to buy ingredients herself and then her brother could always help her as they find cooking fun. Just feel frustrated that he can't put a bit of effort in.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/09/2024 21:57

Well I don't think you're being unreasonable for what it's worth, I wouldn't like that either three nights in a row. It's bad for their gut health to have so little fruit/veg/roughage. I think DD needs to tell her dad more forcefully if she can that it's bothering her, and the others if they feel the same, and try offering some solutions. He may still refuse but it's worth a try.

Tbskejue · 02/09/2024 21:59

Realistically 3 out of 14 nights isn’t really going to do any harm; I’d be more frustrated that then the responsibility lies with you to provide a healthy diet and if you want a treat night with them you worry that’s then too much.

Wishitsnows · 02/09/2024 21:59

YANBU The bar is so low for men parenting that your 13 year old daughter is expected to step in and do it for him.

SunQueen24 · 02/09/2024 21:59

I agree with you OP. It would also piss me off that he’s getting to cheat meaning when you’re in need of a night off you’ll feel like you can’t.

cosyleafcafe · 02/09/2024 22:00

And it isn't a 50/50 arrangement anyway - he does only get them 3/14 nights. So I realise I might be being unreasonable as they get healthy stuff all other days.

It's not unreasonable at all to want your children to have healthy food every day. That's a bare minimum for decent parenting, if you live in a society where healthy food is available and you can afford it.

Unfortunately, as he is their dad and doesn't feel the same way, it might not be very realistic.

Werweisswohin · 02/09/2024 22:00

If DD does want to be healthier then help her decide what the last unhealthy option on the takeaway menu is. Make sure they're eating generally healthier with you.
Just for info, a caesar salad isn't particularly healthy either.

lolamillyrosie · 02/09/2024 22:01

Lots of help on here - thanks. I don't particularly mind being the healthy parent always but it is a shame because I would like to be able to treat my kids as well and I am now reluctant because I know how much crap they already have. And I think my older 2 understand the importance of healthy, full meals but my youngest just sees it as something super fun. Even if she gets an upset stomach when she's back with me and is then ill for a few hours.

He doesn't buy fruit as he dislikes it.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 02/09/2024 22:02

Can you ask him to get in healthyish ready meals (m and s or Waitrose) with prechopper veg he can microwave.

Give him a shopping list - it’s as easy to buy muesli and yogurt, multigrain bread and peanut butter as it is sugary cereal, crisps and chocolate.

Try to put your emotions aside, say you are worried about your youngest getting an upset stomach, and your eldest is worrying about spots or something.

You gotta pick your battles and make it as easy for Mr Lazy to feed them.

13 is a wee bit young to be all about the gym and salads though OP, not that kids can’t like being healthy, but that’s quite a grown up focus.

blahblahblah24 · 02/09/2024 22:02

It's awful but you can't control what he does on his watch.

Singleandproud · 02/09/2024 22:03

He is an ex for a reason. He won't change and the more you comment on it the more he'll do it. Empower your DD and give her money so she can go the shop or prepare herself some bits before she goes. Soon they won't want to visit him and that'll be his own doing.

From a health perspective it's not great and means you have to be on it with healthy foods the rest of the time. There are healthier options available though whether he'll order them is a different matter.

lolamillyrosie · 02/09/2024 22:04

Werweisswohin · 02/09/2024 22:00

If DD does want to be healthier then help her decide what the last unhealthy option on the takeaway menu is. Make sure they're eating generally healthier with you.
Just for info, a caesar salad isn't particularly healthy either.

Well it is much better than what he is feeding them. And that's her favourite food, not any of ours so she just makes it herself.

Also I could ask her to buy the least unhealthy option but again, he does just do it himself. I'm sure he'd agree to letting her choose but he'd probs find a way to blame it on me for her doing something more expensive or whatever. And anything from Mcdonalds or Wingstop or whatever is going to be pretty bad

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread