To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids??

[lolamillyrosie]

My ex and I separated last year - we have 3 children together which are DD13, DS11 and DD5. The kids are with me for a week and a half and then they get their dad for 3 days every fortnight.

My issue is that he does not cook for them ever. They are constantly just allowed to order fast food in - pizza, Wingstop whatever they fancy. The kids at first thought this was cool but now they are bored of it. Takeaways are meant to be a treat or a last minute option and obviously they are used to having home cooked, healthy meals. He's never ever bothered with cooking and if I'm being honest, isn't in the best shape. All my 3 children are slim and healthy and I'd like to keep them that way but he just seems so lazy.

I tried asking him if he could try and cook proper meals and that it didn't have to be fancy - frozen veg, pasta, quesadillas. Anything simple. But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted. But they do not even want this anymore. DD13 is all about being healthy now and loves the idea of having a nice Caesar salad and going to the gym and she was happy to eat junk food every once in a while but has mentioned it's making her feel sick. DS11 isn't really too bothered but he will eat anything. And DD5 doesn't even finish her food most of the time as it is so oily and upsets her stomach.

I mentioned this to my friend and she laughed and said 3 days of some fun eating wouldn't hurt anyone. Which I understand but I think they should be getting some form of veg in. According to her it's a normal amount of fast food as they only have it for dinner. But 3 nights of junk food for dinner is still awful to me! My ex says I am too health conscious and will give all 3 children eating disorders by restricting their food and is now accusing me of already doing that to DD13. But she is absolutely fine and a healthy weight and she eats a very normal amount of food. I never restrict their food, I just portion size adequately, and if they are still hungry fruit and veg is always available but they rarely are to be honest. But because of the way my friend reacted I am now thinking that perhaps I should just let it slide?? I mean they are getting good meals at home at least.

Their average day of eating at their dad's is this btw:
Breakfast - some form of sugary cereal and toast that they fix themselves
Lunch - sandwiches and crisps and a chocolate bar
Dinner - fast food - pizza hut, wingstop, mcdonalds etc.

Snacks include extra crisps, fruit, bars, buttered rolls.
I'm aware I am probably being too dramatic and that maybe this isn't actually a horrendus diet but I'd appreciate some feedback!

The first few responses are rather strange.

Are they near a shop? Can't the 13 year old or even 11 yo just go and buy them some decent food and make it if he's that useless?

My dds would both absolutely refuse to eat that food if that's what their dad bought.

Not sure what is a treat or 'living a little' about eating tasteless junk which makes you feel like shit.

My kids got whole body rashes, tummy upsets and nausea, and even vomited after being at their dads. It was terrible.
Now I send food for them, all prepped and good to go - he only has to come up with one lunch. (It's shit, he makes no effort)
Is there no healthier delivery options? Many supermarkets do deliveries (eg Tesco has whoosh, we got a deliveroo from a co-op) If it's up to them what they order then he can't object.

I know you are no longer together but do you know what he eats the nights he doesn’t have them, when he only has to feed himself?

He'll refuse to do any of that as he dislikes it himself!! I know it seems so reasonable but he enjoys the fast food and says there isn't a kid in the world who doesn't so why not. I did mention how my youngest gets a bit ill but he says it isn't his fault and a hurting stomach for a few hours never hurt anyone.

Yeah she is a bit young to be honest but all of her friends are the same and she isn't underweight or undereating so I am not too worried. I go to the gym with her about once a week and she isn't excessive at all and just enjoys the feeling of a bit of a workout.

'I see that the posts saying can your daughter cook have already started.

The bar for men is so low it's depressing.'

Unfortunately that ship has already sailed. He's absolutely useless, which the op has already acknowledged. He isn't going to stop being crap or their father. So the question now is 'what is the best way of getting around this now.' And the best way, is that the teenage child cooks.

He doesn't buy fruit as he dislikes it.

You said it's available to them to snack on...

Eats out with his friends or with work colleagues at a restaurant occasionally. Gets in a Mcdonalds for breakfast but doesn't do that when the kids are here. Has frozen pizza and stuff like that for lunch. He is overweight and knows this so I'm not sure why he is so comfortable feeding our kids the same thing.

I might just have to accept I can't do much. I'll encourage the kids to do their own cooking but I just know he'll blame that on me for trying to control his parenting. And it's a shame because then the older 2 would have to be cooking for their younger sister which is really the dad's responsibility. They do sometimes cook when they're at mine but it's a fun job, not a necessity!! I am happy to send them pre packed food but he'd have a whole rage at that.

To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids?? it is but they are also his kids so he can feed them how he wants on his days. Ideally he'd wake up and realise it means you have to over compensate on your days so they'll be miserable at yours.

I'm sorry to say I don't think you can really do anything. Like there are parents who feed their kids crap 7 nights a week and they don't get done for child abuse or anything. Although just seeing your up date, I wonder what the courts would think about "a hurting stomach for a few hours never hurt anyone"? I mean technically he's right, but he has just more or less admitted to putting his kid through pain and not caring! Is that not abusive?

McDonalds should be a once a year food not a once a fortnight food

You are not unreasonable to not want them fed this way but there is nothing you can do.
My kids see their dad eow and every single time they are fed McDonald’s twice and a chippy the 3rd night. They also eat a sharing size bags of sweets each every day they are with him, and he often brings them huge bags of sweets to my house which I then have to take off them and ration to a sensible quantity.

It’s especially rubbish because sometimes I would like to be the one that gets to say “let’s have takeaway” or buy some sweets or whatever but I can’t because someone has to feed them proper food so I’m just boring mum with the vegetables and healthy snacks.

I agree with you OP.

I feel for you. I wish they'd be a bit more useful and caring!

So he literally can’t (or won’t) cook anything then. Sounds like he doesn’t want to learn either.

Takeaway as a treat is fine, even one day out of the three would maybe be ok, but not three days in a row. Sounds like you’ve got a battle here. A basic pasta dish or some frozen veg boiled with a few new potatoes and fish is not hard. Even beans on toast. I’d be inclined to agree that your oldest is definitely the age to start cooking and prepping basic meals, only it seems here she’d be expected to cater for her siblings and that is an unfair pressure and might make her resent cooking in the future.

Can you send them with some healthy-ish oven and microwave meals under the guise they’ve had enough of takeout. Seems the middle ground between him thinking you e backed up a home cooked meal to spite him and them eating a bit better. Ask him to send the money for it.

I know this is him shirking his responsibility but he sounds useless in this department so I don’t know what else you can do.

Edited to add - Maybe if you allow one takeaway out of 3 days he won’t feel as defensive and you can look with your oldest at healthier choices in the area so they can suggest new takeaways to him.

My ex is like this - all junk food.
It means that DD never wants to have take away or junk when she’s with me as she wants decent food. We rarely get to go out to eat together, I have to go when she’s with him!
Agree that there’s zero point even discussing it with him. The kids have got to moan at him or refuse to go.

Send the kids with some healthy snacks, a box of low sugar cereal and yoghurt and some fruit. If they have mcdonalds, they do some chicken wraps and salads which are probably not super healthy but better than burgers and fries. I don't know wingstop but don't they have any chicken salad type options?

On the positive side, you are only a very short amount of time away from your eldest child simply saying no. I'm surprised she hasn't already.

And there are a few posters on this thread who are equating healthy food with misery, and junk UPFs with fun. Why? Steaks, chicken, strawberries, cherries etc etc are delicious (not together) and healthy. It's not mutually exclusive.

My 13 year old goes to the shop
Get yours a bank card or apple pay
Thrg can go and get healthy stuff, no way would my health conscious kids est like this rank.
They'll be spotty and exhausted with low iron and deficiencies.

Is he an unfit fat slob?
He should be cooking great stuff and doing sports with them,.

Why are some dads just useless?

I'm a bit too invested I know, but procrastinating bed, but in a funny way, this might be long term good. They are nearly already at the point where they are not wanting the junk and are craving decent food. So it might be shit for a year or two but result in super healthy choices in due course.

13 year old can cook simple healthy meals.

Your ex is not going to change.

You parent at your house, he parents at his. You describe them as 'my children' but presumably they are both of your children. As their father he gets to decide what they eat when they are with him, you have to stop trying to control his time with them. You wouldn't like it if he tried to control yours.

Yes she can cook healthy meals but she doesn't want to cause the arguments which will inevitably come. I will still tell her to do it and let her not worry about it but now she will be making meals for her younger 2 siblings as a chore which I think is unfair when their dad is right there and capable of doing something easy.

I understand there isn't a whole lot else I can do though. Good to know I'm not being too unreasonable even though it upsets me but I'll be conscious of what my kids are eating when I'm with them at least.

pret a manger does lovely salads and delivers they should keep till early evening. I get the soup when im too sick to cook or do anything.

I agree with you op. And was surprised so many posters told you to let it go. So here's my message of support.

It's not ok, but not sure there's much you can do sadly. It's such a shame that feeding kids crap is considered acceptable.

Do they like hard boiled eggs? you can send them with some pre-boiled eggs to have for breakfast, they would just need to add some salt & tabasco or pepper to make it nice.

Aside from that I don't know what you can do but you're right that it's shit parenting and it must be heartbreaking and frustrating to see him doing this, especially to your youngest.