To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids??

[lolamillyrosie]

My ex and I separated last year - we have 3 children together which are DD13, DS11 and DD5. The kids are with me for a week and a half and then they get their dad for 3 days every fortnight.

My issue is that he does not cook for them ever. They are constantly just allowed to order fast food in - pizza, Wingstop whatever they fancy. The kids at first thought this was cool but now they are bored of it. Takeaways are meant to be a treat or a last minute option and obviously they are used to having home cooked, healthy meals. He's never ever bothered with cooking and if I'm being honest, isn't in the best shape. All my 3 children are slim and healthy and I'd like to keep them that way but he just seems so lazy.

I tried asking him if he could try and cook proper meals and that it didn't have to be fancy - frozen veg, pasta, quesadillas. Anything simple. But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted. But they do not even want this anymore. DD13 is all about being healthy now and loves the idea of having a nice Caesar salad and going to the gym and she was happy to eat junk food every once in a while but has mentioned it's making her feel sick. DS11 isn't really too bothered but he will eat anything. And DD5 doesn't even finish her food most of the time as it is so oily and upsets her stomach.

I mentioned this to my friend and she laughed and said 3 days of some fun eating wouldn't hurt anyone. Which I understand but I think they should be getting some form of veg in. According to her it's a normal amount of fast food as they only have it for dinner. But 3 nights of junk food for dinner is still awful to me! My ex says I am too health conscious and will give all 3 children eating disorders by restricting their food and is now accusing me of already doing that to DD13. But she is absolutely fine and a healthy weight and she eats a very normal amount of food. I never restrict their food, I just portion size adequately, and if they are still hungry fruit and veg is always available but they rarely are to be honest. But because of the way my friend reacted I am now thinking that perhaps I should just let it slide?? I mean they are getting good meals at home at least.

Their average day of eating at their dad's is this btw:
Breakfast - some form of sugary cereal and toast that they fix themselves
Lunch - sandwiches and crisps and a chocolate bar
Dinner - fast food - pizza hut, wingstop, mcdonalds etc.

Snacks include extra crisps, fruit, bars, buttered rolls.
I'm aware I am probably being too dramatic and that maybe this isn't actually a horrendus diet but I'd appreciate some feedback!

Poor DD, I’d hate that diet despite loving a monthly takeaway. It’s rubbish that you’ll feel unable to treat your kids what with everyone of his meals being junk. Personally I’d show your kids how to prep a couple of meals so that they can make something there. Maybe the kids could send dad a shopping list before they arrive. Otherwise don’t get involved.

I know you shouldn’t have to but can you batch cook some healthy meals
he can keep in his freezer to reheat for them

He could be enjoying getting a rise out of you, so has no interest in stepping up and parenting properly.

I'm really shocked that this one isn't 100% you're not being unreasonable

'I'm really shocked that this one isn't 100% you're not being unreasonable'

I think it's people who eat piles of crap themselves, there's plenty of them about. As a way of trying not to feel guilty, pretend anyone who eats well must be joyless.

If they are happy to go and otherwise safe, enjoy your three days.

Send them with a bag of apples and satsumas and a bunch of bananas.

Does dd1 want to see the lazy sod? At 13 I'd be telling her to tell him the food he's providing is affecting her skin so she doesn't want to go. She can choose for herself now. Hopefully in a year the next one will follow suit and he might get the message to look after the small one better

110% this.

Stop telling the little girl to cook her own food and expect better from men.

Agreed. I see this all the time on mumsnet.

I'm afraid you cannot have a day in what he feeds them and raising it will probably make him double down as he sees it as a criticism. Your dd can order a salad from McDonald's etc. it does sound like you are a not far the other way too, restricting portion size. Your dc are at an age that they can do this themselves based on their appetite. Mine also eat like this at their dads and it's something I had to learn to let go. Dc will walk to the supermarket there and buy fruit/ veg to eat raw etc as there is none available in the home but mostly they just live off junk. Not the end of the world thankfully when they eat well in their main residence. Just means I feel bad if I have to do a quick junk meal but it is what it is

Its not going to have any serious health impact for three days per fortnight. The foods you describe are not poison. They're just sub optimal in terms of nutrients and too high in sugar and fat, which is well balanced by the healthy diet they recieve the rest of the time. The bigger problem is they are making your DC feel unwell at the time, and that needs to be addressed. If it were me I'd tell him that DC1 wants to be supported with a healthy diet and DC3 is made to feel sick with oily foods, so can he offer alternatives rather than tell him he's offering 'unhealthy' choices which just make him defensive. Be prepared to be told they eat them fine when they're actually there though. (DC know what will please you to be told!) You could also send them with healthy alternatives, better cereal, fruit, bags of salad and give him the bill.

If they have free choice then direct them towards brands that sell healthier food if that's what they want.

YANBU but you could wait until the DCs get so sick of it that they say something or ask not to go. I don’t think it will be long.

I agree with some pp - send them with a bag of easy to prep fruit, suggest oldest asks to choose from the menu and, when they're old enough, let them decide what happens re dad. This is his lifestyle (bet he's not cooking yummy healthy meals the rest of the month) and he doesn't see anything wrong with it or his way of parenting.

Honestly 3 days a fortnight is fine, are the kids really complaining that they're being forced to have takeaways for those few days? Or is it more your issue?

Ultimately, while it wouldn't be ideal if you were 50/50, for example, it's his decision how he parents when it's his time (as long as he's not putting them in danger or anything!).

Yep.

Either mum sends it or mum teaches daughter to cook it. FGS.

The daughter needs to tell her lazy arsed father that she wants decent healthy food and is sick of eating rubbish. As do the other kids.

If he literally never buys groceries then does he live off junk food? I’m guessing he’s always been like this if that’s the case.

It won’t do the teens any harm but 5 is a bit young to be eating junk so I’d be annoyed about that.

Surely at 13 years old she can cook herself a meal

Why would she have to be cooking for her siblings, when they are not unhappy with the stays quo?
Otherwise we ht doesn't she order one of the healthier choices from McDonald's like the grilled chicken wrap with fruit or carrot sticks instead of fries or a chicken salad?

The thing with 3 days in 14 'isn't so bad' means those days OP has the kids she will be reluctant to order pizza or whatever because she's compensating for their dads lack of care, she doesn't get the easy option once in a while when she's knackered or they've had a day out and want to just grab food, yes op could do something simple like beans on toast those nights but so could her ex. As for suggesting the 13 year old cook, yes she could now and again. But her father should be doing it. I can guarantee if the op was having her kids 3 days in a fortnight and was asking if she was being unreasonable feeding them shite the whole time the answer would be yes.

I would say pick your battles

He's probably not going to budge on buying different food shopping and if you send them with stuff then you and DC know it will just piss him off and cause arguments

However, DC need to address being allowed to choose their takeaway
Tell him they are bored with the same. When he says he knows what they like, say 'but I have a new favourite' or 'I really love xxx at the moment'

That way it's not too big a change

Get some takeaway menus from his area and get DC to put ticks and crosses against the food they like/don't like - different colour for each DC. Then frame it as making it easy for their Dad to order what everyone wants

Has anyone posting here about the dd being able to order a salad ever actually had a salad from Macdonalds?!

They are fucking grim.

I'd hate this too, you're not being unreasonable. Even if they at least enjoyed the food and liked eating it even though it'd be unhealthy there would be some good to it, but as they dislike it/makes them ill and it's unhealthy makes no sense (aside from the fact he's lazy). Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he'll change, and whilst could do packed lunches or something I'm sure, you don't need more work to do and I expect he'd find issue with that. Not sure of how to address it, but no you're not being unreasonable.

It isn’t ideal at all and I absolutely agree with your stance. Could they ask for the healthier take away options - depending on what’s nearby. Wagamama, Mexican options etc. or take cereal they prefer for breakfast. I’d be annoyed too, eating all that grease doesn’t make you feel good.