To think this is an appalling diet for my ex to feed my kids??

[lolamillyrosie]

My ex and I separated last year - we have 3 children together which are DD13, DS11 and DD5. The kids are with me for a week and a half and then they get their dad for 3 days every fortnight.

My issue is that he does not cook for them ever. They are constantly just allowed to order fast food in - pizza, Wingstop whatever they fancy. The kids at first thought this was cool but now they are bored of it. Takeaways are meant to be a treat or a last minute option and obviously they are used to having home cooked, healthy meals. He's never ever bothered with cooking and if I'm being honest, isn't in the best shape. All my 3 children are slim and healthy and I'd like to keep them that way but he just seems so lazy.

I tried asking him if he could try and cook proper meals and that it didn't have to be fancy - frozen veg, pasta, quesadillas. Anything simple. But he refused and said I had to live a little and let the kids do what they wanted. But they do not even want this anymore. DD13 is all about being healthy now and loves the idea of having a nice Caesar salad and going to the gym and she was happy to eat junk food every once in a while but has mentioned it's making her feel sick. DS11 isn't really too bothered but he will eat anything. And DD5 doesn't even finish her food most of the time as it is so oily and upsets her stomach.

I mentioned this to my friend and she laughed and said 3 days of some fun eating wouldn't hurt anyone. Which I understand but I think they should be getting some form of veg in. According to her it's a normal amount of fast food as they only have it for dinner. But 3 nights of junk food for dinner is still awful to me! My ex says I am too health conscious and will give all 3 children eating disorders by restricting their food and is now accusing me of already doing that to DD13. But she is absolutely fine and a healthy weight and she eats a very normal amount of food. I never restrict their food, I just portion size adequately, and if they are still hungry fruit and veg is always available but they rarely are to be honest. But because of the way my friend reacted I am now thinking that perhaps I should just let it slide?? I mean they are getting good meals at home at least.

Their average day of eating at their dad's is this btw:
Breakfast - some form of sugary cereal and toast that they fix themselves
Lunch - sandwiches and crisps and a chocolate bar
Dinner - fast food - pizza hut, wingstop, mcdonalds etc.

Snacks include extra crisps, fruit, bars, buttered rolls.
I'm aware I am probably being too dramatic and that maybe this isn't actually a horrendus diet but I'd appreciate some feedback!

There are plenty of low effort alternatives to fast food - Beans on toast, scrambled eggs, fish fingers and baked beans, pasta with jarred sauce etc.

Please don’t do this. What happens when they are with their DF is up to him - you cannot control it.

The thing is that lots of people don't thrill to greasy takeaways. I don't like them myself so they are no kind of treat. I would think that your daughter at her age could simply refuse to go to her father's, maybe the 11 year old too. Their father sounds beyond idle. I suppose he mightn't make 60. Who wants to eat greasy junk because he won't shop to buy decent ingredients? I guess it depends whether you want them to have a relationship with the grease fiend and he doesn't sound like a great role model to be honest. Could you possibly send them off with chicken sandwiches with whole bread, some lettuce and a smear of mayonaise? I know it's not your responsibiltiy but they might have stuff they can eat.

In the scheme of things three days won't do much harm. At 13/11 they can make different food choices to sandwiches and pizza, offer to pop to the shop for salad or fruit to eat alongside dinner or instead at lunch, suggest they cook simple meals like pasta.

Another vote for suggesting the children ask Dad if they can be involved in the ordering now they are getting older and want more variety - it would make it more of a treat (it also helps with reading and maths as suggested by teachers).

Think long game. Approach to be the children's have more choices of what they will enjoy and look forward to having when with Dad (rather than what Mum would prefer - as it sounds like the children would make better choices than Dad)

Step one ask for different choices e.g. KFC add sweetcorn, beans and coleslaw.

Step two trying different places - you may have to do a bit of research of the options and start with one's Dad will like as well.

Step 3 perhaps ask to eat out - Toby carvery and harvester perhaps as at least you have veg, salad etc or children ask to buy a few non cook items from the shops as they like to choose snacks and let them choose a mix of healthy and unhealthy so it's not too pointed/obvious.

My ex sees our son every other week in the community. He will get him a McDonald's breakfast, then McDonald's for lunch, then a chocolate bar. He is always wild when he comes back to me and I'm convinced it's the food. He states it is too expensive to take him anywhere else (like making a packed lunch or buying sandwiches isn't an option!). I'm not going to die on this hill. It is what it is.

The two eldest are old enough to learn how to cook. They shouldn't have to but it is the only way they can continue to have a healthy diet at their dad's if he won't step up.

A service like 'Hello Fresh' won't be much difference in price to a takeaway 3 days in a row. I've just had a look and three meals for three adults is under £45 (assuming the 5 year old doesn't eat adult portions).

If the kids ask dad and point out the saving he might go for it.

Yes, put the responsibility for this onto the kids.

Fgs!

I think this is disgusting actually.

Feeding this crap to kids on a weekly basis is like a mild form of child abuse. I bet in the next few years the UPF thing will be proven to be at the root of so many mental health and physical health conditions.

The issue I suggest is that they dont like what they are being offered.

The oldest may well end up voting with her feet and not going to her fathers any more or for shorter periods.

If the youngest isnt getting enough food because they dont like then thats a basic childcare issue he needs to address or again you may decide that she cant go any more or for shorter periods of time.

It’s not hard is it, a jar of pasta sauce, mince and a few frozen vegetables chucked in. It’s so frustrating when he has all the time too - it’s not like he has them when he’s at work etc.

Next few years? There’s already significant evidence.

I’ll be honest. My DH does this with his son. I was horrified. But then so does his Mum. His diet is almost entirely UPF, except for the sweetcorn that comes in pot noodles….!

I’ve always been disgusted. I’m quite firm about our kids.

I know this might not be the perfect solution but could your daughter suggest to him ready meals and those microwave steam veg packs? She could say take aways are getting a bit boring for them and there's very little prep in a ready meal. What a shame hes this lazy! Surely he doesn't have takeaway everyday? 🤢

Well, If OP was so concerned she could have stepped up when living with him & taught him to cook. Or did she just expect him to change now his living on his own 🤔.

No I'm not doing that.

If it comes from the OP he's not going to do anything and children should learn to cook. It is a life skill these children's father has neglected to learn.

Why assume he doesn’t know how? Who can’t cook pasta.

Not ideal but not 'appalling'

Hate 😂😂 are you for real?

What would happen if OP also served up the same shit her ex is? Obese children with decaying teeth and future of poor health, that’s what.

YANBU

Why should she have to teach a GROWN MAN how to make pasta or an omelette? And ‘stepping up’ 😂😂😂 shouldn’t he be doing that

He knows how to cook, it isn't rocket science. Following a recipe for pasta isn't tricky exactly is it??? He just can't be asked and sees no point.

Maybe you should lay off the junk food. Plays havoc with mental health.

Ah OP, this is a difficult one. Also it must be costing him a fortune?!

I think it's the dinners that really stand out as 3 takeaways in a row does seem excessive every single time. However, if their dad is an overweight man himself then the breakfast and lunches probably don't cross his mind, they are pretty standard fodder in many households I'd say.

I have to admit your post is a little too reminiscent of what my SCs have when they come to us at times, however not every time (!!). For us, it's mainly driven by a) lack of knowledge of healthy eating in their dad so his own everyday diet is probably similar to your ex's, b) the children's extreme fussiness about things they will/won't eat, how things are cooked which has often resulted in wasted cooking that they won't eat etc, and c) probably a desire to 'treat' them since they're only around every other weekend.

It's a really hard one to manage though because sometimes people genuinely don't see how unhealthy their diet really is and if there's no one there to balance it out then it your ex probably genuinely doesn't see the issue. He probably thinks it's only 3 days out of 14, it's the weekend and it doesn't cross his mind again. And when you bring it up he probably takes it as a dig.

I think the best thing you can do is leave him to it, it sounds like your 13yo will soon be speaking to him about it herself anyway.

I have had a grilled chicken wrap which was OK