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Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 17:30

He even knew you were booking flights for all of you ...

Did he though, @Spondoolies?
OP said "he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned", but note the "had booked", which rather sounds as if he found out OP had arranged for the DCs to come only after they'd done it

As PPs have said it might have been better to clarify before booking anything, but since OP was planning a longer stay anyway, thankfully all's not lost

xyz111 · 02/09/2024 17:31

I wouldn't spend all that money on a trip for only you to go to the actual wedding. What a waste of money. I would just say if kids aren't allowed, then you won't be able to attend.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/09/2024 17:32

Your choices are

A) do as they suggest and use babysitters
B) children stay with your DH and you go alone
C) fuck the wedding and enjoy a nice family holiday
D) fuck the wedding and cancel

Personally I'd go with B or C

I'm not surprised you are raging. Your DB is a thoughtless idiot.

PrincessSakura · 02/09/2024 17:32

I’d be fuming too, I can’t believe people are moaning at you about waiting for the official invites, he is your brother, not a cousin or other distant relative, he should have mentioned that it was child free when they first spoke to you about the wedding!
I’d be informing my brother that unfortunately due to them not wanting children to attend that we would no longer be able to join them for their special day but as accommodation and flights are booked we’d be in the country to enjoy a family holiday and would visit them after their wedding day to congratulate them.

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/09/2024 17:32

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 17:30

He even knew you were booking flights for all of you ...

Did he though, @Spondoolies?
OP said "he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned", but note the "had booked", which rather sounds as if he found out OP had arranged for the DCs to come only after they'd done it

As PPs have said it might have been better to clarify before booking anything, but since OP was planning a longer stay anyway, thankfully all's not lost

The wedding is in Australia...

What did the groom think OP was going to do with her kids?

TerrysNeapolitan · 02/09/2024 17:34

You need to be 100% honest with him that you are not comfortable leaving the children and it is a make of break situation if they cannot attend. Personally I find that incredibly rude that you are travelling so far at your own expense and the wedding it child free and they know you have children 🤦🏻‍♀️. They are putting you in a very uncomfortable position and state that you would not enjoy the wedding as you would be worried about the children throughout the entire day. What a shit thing to do I hope you get it resolved OP x

Crumpleton · 02/09/2024 17:34

Also...while I'm here..

It's said a lot on MN re weddings when DC are mentioned as to whether they're invited or not and the answer no which ok, it's the bride/grooms choice but it's not really up to them to decided/suggest that the parents leave their DC with a person that the parents let alone the DC don't even know, bet your bottom dollar if in future the B&G have DC the same suggestion would be look upon as unthinkable.

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 17:34

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/09/2024 17:32

Your choices are

A) do as they suggest and use babysitters
B) children stay with your DH and you go alone
C) fuck the wedding and enjoy a nice family holiday
D) fuck the wedding and cancel

Personally I'd go with B or C

I'm not surprised you are raging. Your DB is a thoughtless idiot.

I would choose C

Seedseason · 02/09/2024 17:35

I'd go on the holiday but give the wedding a miss

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2024 17:35

Dear brother

The proposal to leave our very young children 2 hours away from us with strangers in a foreign country would be extremely neglectful. This is not something we would consider in the uk, let alone abroad. We are incredibly upset that this plan was not communicated to us as we never would have booked plane tickets and the hotel. We cannot agree to leave them under any circumstance. If their basic needs cannot be accommodated, we unfortunately won’t be able to attend the wedding.

DappledThings · 02/09/2024 17:36

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2024 17:35

Dear brother

The proposal to leave our very young children 2 hours away from us with strangers in a foreign country would be extremely neglectful. This is not something we would consider in the uk, let alone abroad. We are incredibly upset that this plan was not communicated to us as we never would have booked plane tickets and the hotel. We cannot agree to leave them under any circumstance. If their basic needs cannot be accommodated, we unfortunately won’t be able to attend the wedding.

Excellent wording. I'd go with this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 17:37

What did the groom think OP was going to do with her kids?

I can't answer that, @EsmeSusanOgg, but then it's why I said that clarifying these things before booking anything might have been a better option

Underdogfun · 02/09/2024 17:37

Very very dick-ish.

And I would bet a brides friend or relative attends with a child!!!

(had a wedding invite where my significant other was not invited. Even tho he went to Uni with bride, bridesmaids and other guests. “Sorry, No plus one unless engaged/married”. At wedding, bride’s co-worker brought her sister … because she insisted & would not attend without her because she “didn’t know anyone”. Though we all knew HER !!! Yes, Cyndi - I am talking about you!)

TOOearlyForChristmas · 02/09/2024 17:37

Cancel it all, I agree with a pp. That is disgusting! Tell your DB if your dcs can't attend, you're not going. He sounds awful, he is willing to leave his nephew/neices with a stranger, due to being precious. He didn't even tell you, that should have been clearly stipulated on the invite!

TemuSpecialBuy · 02/09/2024 17:38

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2024 17:35

Dear brother

The proposal to leave our very young children 2 hours away from us with strangers in a foreign country would be extremely neglectful. This is not something we would consider in the uk, let alone abroad. We are incredibly upset that this plan was not communicated to us as we never would have booked plane tickets and the hotel. We cannot agree to leave them under any circumstance. If their basic needs cannot be accommodated, we unfortunately won’t be able to attend the wedding.

Really diplomatic but firm message is go with this or similar

CuttySarcasm · 02/09/2024 17:39

I don't understand why family don't allow close family kids. They're part of the family! It's so sad. Especially going all that way.

Of all the weddings I have attended (about 20), the couples that didn't want kids and were very up tight generally about their very expensive weddings are ALL divorced now. The more relaxed and less expensive weddings, where kids were there and everyone had a riot, are all still together!

RampantIvy · 02/09/2024 17:39

Who on earth are the 7% of posters who think the OP is being unreasonable? I suspect that they haven't bothered to read the OP properly.

Mamabear999 · 02/09/2024 17:39

That is just wild, his own nieces and nephews. Are your parents not raging too?
I would be so annoyed if one of kids did that.

Kitkat1523 · 02/09/2024 17:40

I wouldn’t go…..I would cut my losses and cancel

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 02/09/2024 17:40

Are there any other family members going with dcs that you can club together to take turns in watching them? Surely your DB can’t dictate who can stay in a hotel unless they’ve booked exclusive use!

whereshouldistart · 02/09/2024 17:40

We had the same scenario at my sil’s wedding, we were a couple of weeks out (tickets and accommodation booked and paid for for 3 week trip) when we were told it was child free. We at least had accommodation at the venue and hired a sitter but i spent most of my evening traipsing back and forth to check on my 13 month old. There’s no way I would have left my child with a random 2 hours away and I’m pretty laid back. To be fair, the whole vibe of the wedding was friends first, I honestly wish we hadn’t bothered spent all that time and money traipsing across the world to feel second best. It was also hard to hold my tongue on the occasions since where their children haven’t been invited to people’s weddings - the outrage!

So nothing helpful to add, just sympathy and annoyance on your behalf!

TOOearlyForChristmas · 02/09/2024 17:40

Definitely go with @Mummyoflittledragon wording. It is perfect.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 02/09/2024 17:41

CuttySarcasm · 02/09/2024 17:39

I don't understand why family don't allow close family kids. They're part of the family! It's so sad. Especially going all that way.

Of all the weddings I have attended (about 20), the couples that didn't want kids and were very up tight generally about their very expensive weddings are ALL divorced now. The more relaxed and less expensive weddings, where kids were there and everyone had a riot, are all still together!

I didn’t have dcs at my wedding (Greek weddings often don’t) and I’ve been married for almost 30 years!

mothsandgoths · 02/09/2024 17:43

Wait till they have a baby. Then invite them for Christmas. Let them book flights and then tell them it's adults only!

Cosyblankets · 02/09/2024 17:43

When you say we've been discussing do you mean you've discussed with them or do you mean between yourselves.
They're entitled to a child free wedding if they want it. What they're not entitled to do is dictate who stays in the hotel! They don't own the hotel.
If they want a child free wedding they have to accept that this might mean some people will decline.