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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:

Spondoolies · 02/09/2024 17:19

Disgusting, he even knew you were booking flights for all of you (not that you could leave the kids at home anyway!) I wouldn’t go due to this, I would be too fuming to enjoy the day even if you could figure out a way to make it work. What do your parents say about it?

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 17:21

Wowjustwow99 · 02/09/2024 16:42

I'd be fuming can you just go on holiday to there country or can you change the flights to a holiday you want to go on and not attend the wedding.

Yes i would just on on holiday too and not attend the wedding. I would not be very keen on leaving kids with sitters I did not know.

We had a wedding abroad and were happy to have the kids who came with their parents at the wedding. Our wedding was about celebrating with family and friends and that included their kids.

I find no kid weddings miserable affairs even before I had my own.

LissyG · 02/09/2024 17:21

Did you discuss with them that you were booking the kids on the flights before you booked? Or did you just assume they were invited?

I'd go on the holiday but don't go to the wedding, you don't need to see them you can still have your holiday.

TemuSpecialBuy · 02/09/2024 17:21

Elseaknows · 02/09/2024 17:12

If you can't get your money back I'd be enjoying a nice holiday in their country without going to the wedding. Like shite would I be leaving my two young children with strangers because of my selfish brother. I'd be telling him as much too. Hopefully they will understand some day if they decide to have kids themselves.

I also agree with this if it’s a holiday you would have gone on anyway…
they clearly give zero fucks so why should you?

Tiredofallthis101 · 02/09/2024 17:21

Yes I think you just clearly say - if they can't stay in the hotel with partner then none of us can come to your wedding. I'd be devastated to miss it but there's no other choice. Then leave it to him to decide. If he still says no if I could get a full refund I'd cancel, if not I'd go to the country and just sack off the wedding bit.

TinyYellow · 02/09/2024 17:22

Unless they are paying for exclusive use of the hotel, they have no say whether or not your children are in the hotel room or not. Assuming you really want to go to the wedding, I wouldn’t even ask them.

Tiredofallthis101 · 02/09/2024 17:22

Also do they have kids? Many people without kids just do not get it I think. Sigh.

SammyScrounge · 02/09/2024 17:23

BodyLamp · 02/09/2024 16:47

I am from a different culture that welcomes kids. I have just got my head round child-free weddings here. But including your own nieces and nephews in that ban just blows my mind.

I would not be attending.

Neither would I. Weddings are family affairs and family includes little children and the.elderly and the relative that nobody talks to except.at weddings and funerals.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 17:23

We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore

Looking on the bright side, at least there's no question of the money being wasted if you always intended a longer holiday; it's really just a question now of whether you take the time out of it to attend the wedding

It does sound a bit as if you just assumed the DCs would be invited and that can be a risky thing to do with weddings, but here's hoping you have a brilliant time wherever-it-is whether you go to the actual wedding or not

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 17:24

LissyG · 02/09/2024 17:21

Did you discuss with them that you were booking the kids on the flights before you booked? Or did you just assume they were invited?

I'd go on the holiday but don't go to the wedding, you don't need to see them you can still have your holiday.

But seeing as they have young kids and it sounds like a long distance trip, her brother must have realised she was bringing the kids?

Or maybe her brother though the childcare options he arranged would be suitable. I am guessing her brother and wife to be have no kids-

Georgyporky · 02/09/2024 17:24

I'd cancel, & send the arseholes a bill for whatever you can't recover.

And deffo no wedding present !

Barrenfieldoffucks · 02/09/2024 17:25

They cannot control who comes to the hotel unless they have an exclusive booking. I would say that either the kids come to the hotel so they can be supervised by your partner while you attend the ceremony (and then bugger off to enjoy a holiday if I were you) or you don't attend at all.

pinkspeakers · 02/09/2024 17:25

You're not being unreasonable. Your brother really should have spelled this out explicitly when he knew you were making plans. It's possible (maybe?) that in his circles it's entirely normal not to invite children and so it didn't occur to him.

Having said that, even if I knew in advance that children were not invited, if it was my brother and it was a place that we were very happy to visit as a family, then I would still take everyone on the trip and arrange for a qualified babysitter through a proper agency on the day/evening of the wedding.

But I'd also ask your brother again and explain that you are all coming. He may change his mind.

Iiiiiiiiii · 02/09/2024 17:25

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:58

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

I will take a few days to calm down and chat with him again. I agree that the best option is to have the children at the hotel the weddings at with my partner staying up in the room with them. If that’s not an option, I think we will probably have to decline the invite all together and get whatever money back we can.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

I wouldn't even do this. I would completely bypass the wedding and go enjoy a family holiday. Your brither knew what he was doing, its one thing to have no children at the wedding and another to tell you only after you have booked

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/09/2024 17:26

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:58

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

This seems the best approach. It is not ok to not be clear to family that children are not welcome at the event/ even near the venue ahead of time if you know that people will need to spend a lot of money to attend. Also, if you are expecting people to travel half way round the world, and you know they have young children, why on earth did you not factor that in at the save the date point of invites.

If they cannot compromise on this, I don't think it would be practical to attend. How much will you be out of pocket if you cancel? I'd be letting your whole family know. You brother and his partner have been incredibly inconsiderate.

LissyG · 02/09/2024 17:26

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 17:24

But seeing as they have young kids and it sounds like a long distance trip, her brother must have realised she was bringing the kids?

Or maybe her brother though the childcare options he arranged would be suitable. I am guessing her brother and wife to be have no kids-

Show quote history

Not necessarily. Did they know they were booking 2 weeks either side? Or did they just think the adults were going to come and make a weekend of it alone? Context is relevant.

andthat · 02/09/2024 17:26

simpledeer · 02/09/2024 16:45

I agree with PP this is absolutely shit behaviour.

I would try to cut my losses and cancel everything. If that’s infeasible, just go for a holiday but don’t attend the wedding.

Surely depends on whether or not they have got exclusive use of the hotel?

edited to say apologies… quoted the wrong PP!

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 17:26

SammyScrounge · 02/09/2024 17:23

Neither would I. Weddings are family affairs and family includes little children and the.elderly and the relative that nobody talks to except.at weddings and funerals.

Show quote history

I am with you ladies, I think weddings should include all family and friends. I really dislike child free weddings.

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/09/2024 17:27

LissyG · 02/09/2024 17:26

Not necessarily. Did they know they were booking 2 weeks either side? Or did they just think the adults were going to come and make a weekend of it alone? Context is relevant.

Show quote history

People do not travel long distance for just a weekend. That's such a silly suggestion.

Crumpleton · 02/09/2024 17:27

UnctuousUnicorns · 02/09/2024 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday. That's what I'd be doing. 🤷‍♀️

This...
I'd be furious too, your DB could have told you all the information when first mentioning the wedding.

TBH it's a lot of money to holiday in such a place when DC as young as yours may not remember it.
But..

If you're going to lose out by cancelling just go and have some wonderful adventures with your DH and DC, and if by chance you've a window to slot in time with your DB/SIL do so, if not don't be overly bothered by not doing so.

Mainoo72 · 02/09/2024 17:27

Why would you book it before you had the invite though? I’d have waited for the actual invitation to come through. Child free weddings are really popular now (for good reason).

GreatMistakes · 02/09/2024 17:27

It's so completely impractical and I flexible when they recognise youre travelling so far that I'd send back a breezy "no worries. Unfortunately i don't want to leave kids with strangers- we don't even do it at home- therefore we won't be coming. However you know the dates we will be in Australia so hopefully we can meet up before or after your wedding 🙂 x"

pinkspeakers · 02/09/2024 17:27

Ah. I hadn't seen the bit about being 2 hours away. Are you staying at the wedding venue overnight? In that case I would absolutely just bring them with you to the hotel even if they are being looked after during the event. Unless it is an adult only venue??

Viviennemary · 02/09/2024 17:28

Octonaut4Life · 02/09/2024 16:44

It's absolutely ridiculous for them to expect you to be happy with using babysitters in a foreign country overnight for kids of that age. You're absolutely right to be fuming, they needed to tell you it was no kids a long time before booking! Cancel or see if you can rebook to go somewhere else.

Absolutely ridiculous of them. Don't know what I would do. But I don't think I would bother with them after the wedding. Probably cancel and never speak t9 them again. No present either. Idiots

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 17:28

LissyG · 02/09/2024 17:26

Not necessarily. Did they know they were booking 2 weeks either side? Or did they just think the adults were going to come and make a weekend of it alone? Context is relevant.

Show quote history

Yep context is everything 😀But I think this is half way across the world. Where is the wedding OP?

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