Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

When is the wedding? Maybe there is still time for you to cancel the accommodation. It's really unfair of your brother to expect you all to spend all this time, money, and make efforts with small children to attend his wedding on the other side of world and he cannot accommodate a little bit.
He should have told you when he told you about no child policy when he invitated you verbally.

So even when kids have been invited to weddings we’ve tried to sort out babysitters, as it’s no fun to be at an evening wedding with overtired kids, clearly it only works if the wedding is in a hotel and the babysitter is right there eg in room or with a newborn in pram in lobby area. I’d try and compromise eg will get babysitter for bedtime at 7pm in the hotel the wedding is in. can your DP can take it in turns to check on kids and babysitter. Getting a babysitter for earlier in the day isn’t fair on your kids. If this isn’t acceptable or hotel can’t find babysitter I would cancel.

It says in the OP that the bride and groom don't even want the children on the hotel premises.

I don't agree with adult only weddings especially in the modern day when many many people have children before marriage. And more so for family's children. Each to their own. In your position I wouldn't go unless someone trusted could look after the children.

Any updates @Creamandjamorjamandcream ?

You want your children to accompany you everywhere? Why?

I think you should try and book to stay in the hotel where the wedding is taking place, take your kids and book a babysitter to look after them while the wedding is taking place. Just tell your brother this is what you have done: he and his wife have no right to dictate who may stay at the hotel. It would be really sad to miss the wedding.

Its an invitation, not a summons

Can we stop using this bloody saying! So damn irritating.

OP, I was be furious too. Your own nieces and nephews not been invited to your wedding is so weird.

I would cancel too if you can.

This! They have no right to dictate who stays and who doesn't stay in a hotel! But to be honest I'd be so pissed off with the fact that they haven't given you the heads up prior to booking flights and accommodation I don't think I would go anyway. Either cancel everything or if you can't do that just treat it as a family holiday and do your own thing

Have you made any decisions @Creamandjamorjamandcream

Are you staying overnight at the hotel on the wedding day as the bride and groom can’t police no babysitters or hotel nanny if you are paying for a room. They can say no kids at the wedding but that should have been made clear from the outset.

you’ve booked and unlikely to get money back from it so enjoy your holiday. You can choose to go alone to part of the wedding if you wish to while partner looks after kids.

The best weddings I have been to were child free. Who wants annoying children running around when you are trying to enjoy yourself? So that's definitely the couple's prerogative. I wish we could have had a child free wedding, unfortunately not something my family's culture condones (though they could certainly do with having less children), however we did tell the friends coming who would have spent a few weeks traveling with us to not bring their kids bc we didn't want to be around them. That being said, if you have already paid either skip the wedding and have a holiday or get your money back. It is what it is.

Cool story bro. I wonder if you'll actually respect your friends kids once they become adults and subsequently, more worthy beings?

Has nothing to do with respect, kids are annoying and contrary to what you may want to think, nobody really wants to be around your kids.

Sounds to me like your brother knew you probably wouldn’t come if you knew there were no children allowed hence telling you only after you’ve booked.

I’m usually very much in favour of a childless wedding and feel it’s completely the bride and grooms decision however, on this occasion I’ve got to say it’s been very badly handled and considering it’s your brother I’d expect at least closest family members children to be allowed.

Sorry, no advice but maybe if you’re close enough to your brother could you maybe talk with him frankly about the position you’re now in?

Do you keep your cats under control and stop them from running around and annoying others by shitting in their gardens?

I get annoyed by that on a daily basis. A few hours at a wedding with some kids being kids is infinitely preferable.

I'm under no illusions about people wanting to be around my kids. I don't even want to be around them sometimes because yes, they can be annoying. That age old saying about kids being like farts comes to mind tbh...

Yes actually, my cats are rescues from countries where they would have been killed if they ventured out to the wrong places so they are indoor cats and the only people they annoy are us. Wish I could say the same about your kids.

Also, I can't remember the last time I had to deal with an annoying cat on a plane who wouldn't shut the fuck up, ruining the flight for everyone ...

Fuckers have started bringing them on the Tube. 😡

My “kid” is very likely to one day be flying that plane you’re on. Not sure where you think the people to do jobs in the future are going to come from……

I agree this is information you should have had from the beginning, but I do think it seems like a shame to cancel a four week vacation and miss the wedding of someone you are close to because you can’t bring your children to an event lasting a day. Usually the ‘no kids’ insistence is for the safety of the children, especially if the wedding is somewhere rural. I got married in a vineyard in Australia (it seems like you might be doing a similar event) and it legitimately is not a safe or fun place for kids. Consider why you’re thinking of cancelling, is it because of the inconvenience of having to find alternative childcare, or are you just annoyed you can’t bring them and that this info wasn’t well communicated? Ultimately this is their wedding and they are within their rights to request no children attend, just as you aren’t required to attend.

Do you think you can ask for more assistance with the childcare? There will likely be others in your situation attending, and if they really want you there I’m sure they can find a way to accommodate you in a way that’s safe for the kids.

24 pages in since 02/09

Don't think this OP is bothered by any of our opinions.

As your brother, he absolutely should understand that 1) the bride and groom should have mentioned when you were booking, that it’s an adult only result 2) no parent would want to leave such young children off site, with a complete stranger. What if the 18month old wakes and needs mum/ dad and freaks out with the stranger?

it is completely out of order, for them to behave this way. Option 1) you go and your husband / partner stays with the kids and you make a holiday of the trip 2) you cancel.

Just cancel and cut your losses. It is an invitation.... you can decline. If you were to leave your young children in that situation what peace or pleasure would you have.... none.

Go for a holiday, but not to the wedding. I’d not want to leave my children with a stranger. Your brother is entirely unreasonable.