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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:

BarbaraHoward · 02/09/2024 17:02

That's really really awful of them. Not inviting nieces and nephews is bad enough, but after long haul travel that's despicable.

TikehauLilly · 02/09/2024 17:03

Hey op just read your most recent update.

If the wedding location is a hotel and anyone can book a room then they can't get precious and say "no children" if you really want to go take them and as you say partner will have to entertain them. They can still be in communal areas like another paying guest.

However if it's an exclusive use maybe that makes it a more awkward conversation. I had imagined in your OP.that this was th case eg) not a hotel , equivalent or hiring a castle / loge / gite / farmhouse with rooms...

Good luck

DBD1975 · 02/09/2024 17:04

I wouldn't leave my dog with someone I didn't know let alone my kids!
I really don't know what to suggest, what a nightmare! If it was a child free wedding they should have let you know we'll in advance.
Could you not speak to your brother in terms of not wanting his nieces/nephews at his wedding which is extreme. Even if I didn't want children at my wedding if it was the difference between my brother/sister being able to attend I would suck it up.
Neither would I want my nieces or nephews left with a babysitter my brother/sister had not met.
I hope you get some resolution you are happy with.

DBD1975 · 02/09/2024 17:04

Psychologymam · 02/09/2024 17:05

SausageRoll2020 · 02/09/2024 16:48

Did you just presume your children were invited? Or was there originally a plan to have children at the wedding which has now changed?

You have the option to leave your children with a babysitter and by the sound of things the wedding is still a few months away which means you have plenty of time to book someone who is qualified/has whatever DBS type checks are relevant in that country.

but checks are beside the point - super they haven’t been convinced of a crime but I wouldn’t leave my kids with a stranger for the day - it’s not fair on small children of that age. And I say this as someone who absolutely thinks kid free weddings are totally fine. I just don’t think you can demand attendance - it’s likely one of the parents will remain at home.

PullTheBricksDown · 02/09/2024 17:07

Even if they've reserved all rooms for their guests' exclusive use, they can't dictate who comes to the rooms or what happens in them. OP can book a sitter who will come to the hotel room and they can't stop her.

I would also assume for a overseas family wedding that all family members, including young children, were invited and that if that wasn't the case the couple would have spelled that out right from the start.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/09/2024 17:08

He’s on the other side of the world. I don’t suppose you will see that much of him anyway ( unless they come back and then I expect they will suddenly discover the joys of family ties who can help them with their arrangements).

If you can get the money back, that’s what I would do. It’s a long way to take a young child, their ears can hurt badly on airplanes.

GameOfJones · 02/09/2024 17:09

A family member did something extremely similar to us, although it wasn't an aunt or uncle of my DDs. In the end we all went but DH didn't attend the wedding at all and stayed at the hotel with DDs and I attended the wedding alone.

In all honesty I wish I hadn't gone as I spent the whole time feeling pissed off. This is your brother's nieces and nephews he's banning from the wedding after knowing you made travel arrangements. Honestly, he just doesn't really give a shit, particularly now he's said they're not even welcome at the hotel. What choice is he leaving you? There is no way I'd be leaving my children with a babysitter they didn't know and I didn't know 2 hours away from me so genuinely.... I wouldn't be going.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 02/09/2024 17:10

I would be furious too. I don’t like child free weddings anyway, especially if the children are close family. But if they absolutely must do that they should have made it clear from the start, especially if they knew you were booking plane tickets. And it’s completely ridiculous to expect you to leave your children with a stranger you’ve never met, I wouldn’t even consider that. I would either not go at all or go to the area for a holiday and make a point of refusing to attend the wedding. But maybe I’m too petty.

TemuSpecialBuy · 02/09/2024 17:10

Fucking disgraceful.

If you’ve only booked flights cut your losses.
I’m spectacularly unfussy about childcare but no way would I be leaving my kids with some random 2 hr drive away….

In your shoes I’d tell my db it’s changed your view of him and either
None of us would go
OR
i would go solo, not drink and literally fly in and fly out ie so I showed my face

probably the latter

i know generally the vibe on MN is your wedding your rulez but this is a pure dick move and I couldn’t in good faith treat my family this badly and expect them NOT to treat me differently as a result.

and every single Christmas from here until kingdom come they’d be getting the shittiest 80% off rubbish I could find in clearance sections l.

What a pair of twats…

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 02/09/2024 17:11

I would be looking at what I could get back by cancelling.

Elseaknows · 02/09/2024 17:12

If you can't get your money back I'd be enjoying a nice holiday in their country without going to the wedding. Like shite would I be leaving my two young children with strangers because of my selfish brother. I'd be telling him as much too. Hopefully they will understand some day if they decide to have kids themselves.

HollaHolla · 02/09/2024 17:13

You will probably lose a lot of money cancelling flights, so just go and have a lovely family holiday without the wedding. Go somewhere else in the country (assuming Aus/NZ from the posts....) Lots of lovely places to explore and enjoy.
I'm sad for you that your brother is behaving this way.

carrotcard · 02/09/2024 17:13

We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Was this before or after discussing with him? Did you run this exact scenario past him?

Snowdrops17 · 02/09/2024 17:13

Think it's really strange that he would wait until after you booked everything to tell you that but was an adult only wedding it's almost like his wife decided recently ? Honestly I wouldn't go , expecting you to leave your kids with strangers in a foreign country no thanks . I'd go in the trip and plan something else for when the wedding is on and tell him he should of let you know before you booked everything

1983Louise · 02/09/2024 17:14

They need a bollocking, how bloody inconsiderate to expect you to fly half way around the world then children not invited. I'd cancel everything and tell them why, they're so selfish.

CarmelaBrunella · 02/09/2024 17:15

BarbaraHoward · 02/09/2024 17:02

That's really really awful of them. Not inviting nieces and nephews is bad enough, but after long haul travel that's despicable.

It's unbelievably rude. Then expecting them to fly long haul and dump them with unknown babysitters!
I wouldn't bother going.

babyproblems · 02/09/2024 17:15

I’d either cancel the whole trip, or I’d go and turn up with my kids and ‘forget’ you were told. Poor from them!!!

hepsitemiz · 02/09/2024 17:15

Yeah, really not cool behaviour from the zillas.

OP, I would call them tomorrow and explain that you are not able to come. I'd even be too pissed off to recapitulate should they lift the restrictions.

I wouldn't be inclined to keep the flights and make some kind of holiday out of it. You'd probably choose a different destination and different time for a family holiday. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Karmaisac4t · 02/09/2024 17:16

I’m shocked. You’d of thought he’d of given you a heads up seen as he knows your travelling.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 02/09/2024 17:17

I would t go

Mandarinaduck · 02/09/2024 17:17

I’d be absolutely fuming.

Of the 3 options

cancel completely
go on the holiday but don’t attend wedding
Go on the holiday but only attend part of the wedding, by yourself

i think I would go for no 1 or 2, preferably 1 if you can get the money back, and then travel with your family to visit them another time (if you are still speaking). I think I would feel quite bitter about 3. travelling all that way with your entire family only to not be able to enjoy the occasion with them.

LightDrizzle · 02/09/2024 17:18

Husband minds them. I’d be pissed off though. This should have been made clear before you booked flights. I’d also not attend any bits and bobs round the edges that people seem to tack on to these things, just attend the wedding and wedding breakfast and treat the rest like a family holiday.

Hecatoncheires · 02/09/2024 17:19

Mangococktail · 02/09/2024 16:52

I would explain that your children are your family and that as under 18s you will always put their safety and wellbeing above other family members as that is what parents do.

Say you're unable and unwilling to attend the wedding without your children.

I'd then hold your horses and see if they back down.

If they don't back down just go for the holiday and possibly meet your family for a meal during your stay.

The idea you would leave your little ones for a day or two with a stranger in a foreign country is insane (and would possibly incur social services interest).

But no need for recriminations or expressing fury. It won't achieve anything.

@Creamandjamorjamandcream This is good advice from @Mangococktail Gets your point across without going off on one and could well result in your brother changing his stance.

And of course it is jam then cream. 😜

Kevinisnotacatname · 02/09/2024 17:19

I'd be saying to your brother 'let me understand this, you expect my children to fly xx hours across the world at a cost to us of xx and not be invited to your wedding?

I'd salvage that holiday you can IF you can't get refunds and not go. Unbelievable cheek but to mention this till now. It's totally ok to have a child free wedding but you absolutely should have been told before things were at the booking stage

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