Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

I would probably ask my parents to do an hour each too. So two parents, two grandparents and that's four hours of childcare.

Let him get pissed off when his own parents aren't at his wedding because of his stupid arrangements.

I'd also train my kids to ask their Uncle why him and his new wife don't like them but that's me and I'm petty 😂🙈

I would be fucking livid. He knew you'd booked for you all! Totally unacceptable to change the goal posts at this stage. Bin the wedding off and have a fabulous holiday. What a pair of Bride and groomzillas.

Can you still go, have a holiday in the city and one then on the day leave your husband with the kids and just go to the ceremony/first couple of hours of the reception?

I would look at whether you can get any money back for flights and hotels if you cancel now - if it doesn't cost you too much to cancel, just do that.

If it is too late/expensive to cancel, I'd go and make a family holiday out of it. I would go to the wedding ceremony only by myself - not stay for the reception etc and leave my DH with the DC just for that.

I would also tell my brother that he is a total arsehole and I'm very disappointed in him.

I would explain that your children are your family and that as under 18s you will always put their safety and wellbeing above other family members as that is what parents do.

Say you're unable and unwilling to attend the wedding without your children.

I'd then hold your horses and see if they back down.

If they don't back down just go for the holiday and possibly meet your family for a meal during your stay.

The idea you would leave your little ones for a day or two with a stranger in a foreign country is insane (and would possibly incur social services interest).

But no need for recriminations or expressing fury. It won't achieve anything.

This. Your brother is behaving like a total arsehole and needs to be told.

I think I would do the same.

Its a child free wedding ...they have got baby sitters. Its only for the day. The rest of the time ypu have them. Baby sitters at the hotel /venue so you can check on them periodically

You should have waited for the invitation before booking everything frankly

Had they said they were going to invite kids or did you just assume?

I’m only asking because my friend is getting married and despite warning family that they were not sure if kids would be invited some family members went ahead and booked flights/hotels anyway.

They are now now going crazy because friend has said no kids. I think the family members hoped to force my friends hand but it backfired spectacularly.

YANBU that is awful plus the fact that they can't even be in the wedding location.

If you fancy a holiday to this place and flights not refundable then I would still go but decline the invitation due to 1) childcare issues and 2) non refundable flights. Then you only loose the 2 days accommodation. You can say you would love to see them before / after (depending on schedules) and we'll leave it at that.

If you don't just walk away and explain why. Don't need to say you are angry just take the high road, decline and say that it won't work. Wish them well and look fwd to the stories and photos. They might have kids one day and go oops what dicks we were.

Baffles me why they think this is OK.

Esp to your sibling and nieces/ nephews

Read the OP again.

Usually I think a child free wedding is fine. The choice of the bride and the groom.

However in this scenario, they’re behaving really poorly and like you, I’d be incredibly frustrated.

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

I will take a few days to calm down and chat with him again. I agree that the best option is to have the children at the hotel the weddings at with my partner staying up in the room with them. If that’s not an option, I think we will probably have to decline the invite all together and get whatever money back we can.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

Yeah. Screw them for being organised and getting the best deal they can for what will already be a costly event, eh.
How does the babysitter at the hotel work when the 'zillas have specified that they don't want children at the hotel then?

I think I would still go for the holiday, but make it known amongst the immediate family that, oh such a shame, but we aren't actually able to attend the actual wedding due to the childcare restrictions. We are devastated, but accept the restrictions....... and wait to see where that leads.

Just don't go in that case.

Have they even met these babysitters in the city or have they googled and found random numbers of strangers for you to hand your young children over to? It's ridiculous and hopefully you can get your money back if you cancel.

I'm furious on your behalf

What a pair of twats who have moved the goalposts

My brother in law did something similar, we cut our losses and didn't go. We tried a compromise but he was adamant about what he wanted.

Oh gosh...

Dear Brother, there has been a catastrophic mis communication. We cannot leave our children in a city 2 hours away from us with people they or we do not know. We will have to decide whether we can come and be around but not attend the wedding or whether we will have to accept that this is not possible at all and cancel our travel plans. I do hope you reconsider because we would absolutely want to be at your wedding and have committed considerable amount of our holiday time and budget to make sure we can come.

I hope he comes to see that this is not something that you could possibly have anticipated.

I wonder if there might be a compromise... an on site nanny who can occupy the children nearby that you could check in with / spend time with during the day?

Is the hotel completely booked by them otherwise how can they police who is there

2 hours away in the city is insane for babysitting

I would cance the hotel if you can and still do the holiday

Oh gosh what a predicament.
Me, I would treat it as a family holiday.
I would go to the ceremony alone for the hour or so it would take, wish the bride and groom well, then leave straight after to carry on my family holiday.
Make it about your family.

I wonder who's decision it was to make it child free when travel plans have to be made so far in advance!

I'd cut your losses now. Just politely decline the invitation and say you'll look forward to seeing the photographs. They're not considering you at all in their plans, that's not a family member I'd be making any effort to be around.

Take a bit of time to calm down, but don't leave it too long or they'll think you're OK with it and kick off that you didn't let them know sooner. I'd be in touch tomorrow to tell them that having the kids at the hotel with a babysitter is the only compromise you'll accept if they want you to attend.

There are no babysitters at the wedding venue. The bride has suggested some babysitters 2 hours away from the venue but presumably she doesn't have children so this is not a personal recommendation. I would not be leaving my very young children with strangers, in a strange country 2 hours drive away from me for a whole day - or at all.

I do agree though that the OP should have waited to the invitation before booking.