Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

I don't understand why your brother didn't mention this a long time ago! I understand he may have had his reservations, as let's face it, he must have known you'd be upset. However, he knew you'd booked flights, and just let you find out by the invitation!! That's pretty low. You have several options - cancel everything (with the possibility of losing money), all fly out (no one attends the wedding and treat it like a holiday), you attend the wedding alone (your husband stays behind to look after the children), you go along with your brother's wishes or you arrange for babysitters to look after your children at the wedding venue (ignoring your brother's wishes, he can't dictate who's at the venue unless he's exclusive hired the entire hotel!). I'd be furious with him too and no, there is no way in a million years I'd leave my children overnight 2 hours from me, with a stranger! I don't care how amazing they may be on paper either! I'm going to guess your brother and his partner have no children, because it's something no one with children would suggest to someone else, who has children!

Not spoken to my sister in 5 years because of a similar incident.

Sister due to get married, reception in my mum and dads house, marquee in the garden and all that! said my children were not invited, no kids (15 & 10), I said you won't see them, they will bring xbox/playstation and would be in the house, still no. Dad had a go at her - she spat her dummy out and she booked a local pub instead, said that mum & dad still welcome to go (I was not), still got married in the church in the village (she didn't even live there, she picked the church because mum and dad went there).

We didn't go, neither did mum or dad. Hilarious thing was my brothers grown up daughter and son came, both with their young children (4 & 5). Difference was one was a 'bridesmaid' and the other a 'paige' boy, but they had had to travel from Scotland to England.

I do not think YABU, he knew you would be bringing the children. You are not going to want to leave them with a stranger, in a strange country, overnight. Personally I would say its all of us or none of us. He obviously doesn't have the responsibility of children yet. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Did you post about this at the time @CheekySwan ? I can recall a similarly ridiculously entitled situation but not the outcome… glad you stood firm if it was you, your sister was beyond rude.

Op hasn't been back since page 2.

No, i'm relatively new to the forum.

But I still don't speak to her, she has only just started trying to make an effort with parents over the last year as DD has not been very well, but he is just being polite to her to keep the peace, he says he is not interested in a relationship with her and she's a selfish B.

Totally unreasonable not to allow you to have DH look after them at the hotel. That’s the ok compromise.

I don’t get child free weddings which include immediate family children. In my opinion a wedding is about the joining and celebration of two families and families include children. There’s too much focus on some insta perfect day and not enough on the point of the wedding being about being married.

Awful. Turn it into a holiday as others say. Bizarre they are trying to ban children from the hotel. That’s just unacceptable (I suspect they are afraid that the kids will hate crash and attend the wedding but that’s no excuse).

So you booked before the official invite and without talking to your brother presumptuous much?
You jumped the gun your brother is not responsible for your entitlement
Do not force your kids on the bride n groom either hire a babysitter n go to the wedding
Or miss the wedding and have a holiday
Or stay home and huff and puff and loose out

Amateur

One of you go to the ceremony whilst the other parent watches the kids then swap over and one goes to the reception whilst the other one watches the kids. If that's too much hassle then just have a holiday (assuming you can't just get your money back if you cancel).

Who do these people think they are, trying to ban your children from your hotel?? Sure, they don't want kids at the ceremony, fine, that's their right. They have absolutely no right to tell you your kids can't be at the hotel. They also are insane if they think it's okay to expect you to leave them in another town with an unknown babysitter. I wouldn't leave my children in the next room with someone I didn't know!

If this is generally a considerate person and you love them and you think they are just swept up and don't understand what they're asking of you, maybe try and travel to the destination and participate in some aspect of their wedding week that your children are welcome at, the rest of the time is a holiday. If they remain completely unreasonable and attempt to guilt or pressure you into leaving your kids with strangers, either get back what you can from your investment, or divert to another town or hotel for a holiday that has nothing to do with the wedding.

Close the book on this wedding trip and turn it into the adventure that your family deserves, and have a great time!

So you posted on this thread without reading the OP properly. Presumptuous too much

Don't cancel flights etc, go and enjoy your two weeks as a family holiday, you don't have to go to the wedding. If anything is said about you not going, All you have to say is you weren't prepared to lose out financially because you hadn't been told upfront that it was a child free wedding and you weren't prepared to have strangers babysitting your young ones. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

@Creamandjamorjamandcream have your DPs had a chat with DB? Has anything happened?

We are all hoping the bride and groom have the sense knocked into them and have relented that all DC must be 2 hours away from the venue and stay overnight with strangers in a foreign country.

When I reread the above, it's clear the bride and groom have no fucking clue at all do they? They have no idea at all what it's like to be a parent with young DC.

I would absolutely not go to the wedding but in stead make it a fun holiday (only if it is a destination worth visiting for you and the children)
I wouldn't buy a gift for the couple and if you already have return it or keep it for friends as a birthday gift.
Maybe you can persuade the airline and find out if you can change the flights to a destination you would all like to visit 0r go at a different time of the year.
Plus a wedding with no kids is boring anyway, they always make it more enjoyable
definitely no strange babysitters in my opinion. I would be too worried :)

PS: Oh and you are not being unreasonable in any way. they were careless not to warn you when you booked.

Wow. I've always had one rule. Doesn't matter whether it's a party, wedding or a restaurant. If my children are not welcome I'm not going. Simple.

Seriously? You never go anywhere your children aren't invited?

How bizarre!

That’s extremely unusual.

Yes, this. Have they booked out the whole hotel? If not, are they seriously thinking that they can dictate to all the other guests whether or not they bring children?

And when you say he knew you'd booked everything – did he seriously let you say you'd booked flights etc for the kids as well and not say anything at the time?

OP I have been in this EXACT situation, except I had only one child who was 2 years old. I sent my dickhead DB & his fiancee an email saying that unfortunately we can no longer attend since it was child free but I wished them well. His fiancee threw a tantrum and called up my DM crying but they did immediately change their mind to agree to onsite babysitting.

I actually wish that I had canceled the flights before emailing them as I would have got most of the money back even though I had booked non-refundable flights. I still ended up missing half the wedding as my kid panicked being left alone with a stranger. My DB didn't see me the whole of my holiday in his country, except for the wedding and at one other wedding-related event, however he did find time during his wedding to "joke" that I was a difficult mum.

I consider my relationship with him to be effectively over, except for normal civilities like wishing each other happy birthday etc. But he's always been a knobhead to me and considered me "less than" so it's no great loss!

I wonder if the @Creamandjamorjamandcream will update?

And I'm sure the hosts are mightily relived that someone so entitled declines their invite!

Anyway, to the actual question, I would be cancelling if I could get the money back but if not take it in shifts to look after the kids. Obvioulsy they can't be banned from the hotel.

I think I might be inclined to cancel anyway and apply the ' sunk costs' rule. This would just leave a nasty taste in my mouth..they must have known you were booking the flights and hotel and should have told you at the invite stage that kids were not welcome. It sounds like you would have never booked the trip if you had known.

I'd just keep the bookings and treat it as your holiday. Presumably the hotel accepted your booking for the children as well so they're not banned from the venue itself just the wedding? Well stuff them. Go, enjoy yourself, if your husband feels like popping downstairs to say congratulations let him but they can hardly ban you from being at the hotel can they? Or if cancellation is possible just keep flights and stay somewhere else?