Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

Some did, yes - night away for two. And yes, some were toddlers.

I’m not being generous, I’m recognising that just because it’s out of the question and abnormal for some doesn’t mean it is for everyone. The world is bigger than any one social circle, and what any one individual is personally familiar with.

It’s still massively different from your home country. I’m Aussie and lived in the uk and the us. I wouldn’t go to nz and think it’s fine to be 2 hours away from my kids as it’s only a 4 hour flight to get here and they speak English. I’d think I don’t know anyone nearby, I don’t know the medical system and the emergency services, the transport options and taxi companies. I’ve done leaving toddlers in a hotel room in NY with an agency vetted babysitter I took some research time in finding while I eat dinner maybe a km away.

I'd be ok with the hotel, but I wouldn't leave my kids with a stranger 2 hours away. That's actually pretty fked up imo. Even then, who's to say the kids will even be comfortable with a babysitter. And I had a child-free wedding, all the kids stayed close-by (5 min drive).

Op, that is a bit absurd on their part. What! ?? Babysitters? Are they fuxkign serious? 😂😅 honestly, can on the wedding and take your children to Disney World!! Guaranteed better time for everyone. What twats. Your brother needs to grow some balls here.

I agree @Codlingmoths (I have family in the antipodes) but I was just a bit 😯 at someone panicking about Australia/NZ being a "foreign country" - yes, but they're not Bolivia or Sudan or Laos, or wherever! They're very safe countries, with English as the national language.

Nothing D about him! Cancel it all. Once they have children they will be very sorry I’m sure.

Off topic but at one of my cousin's wedding kids were invited but she spent the run up to it constantly reminding us that we needed to keep an eye on them as she didn't want them embarrassing her in front of her friends. The irony was that all the kids were angels and it was her bridesmaids that had tantrums and stormed out of her wedding!! Lol

We used hotel babysitting when DS was young to go out for a meal, that makes us pretty relaxed my mumsnet standards.

Zero way I would have left him with a babysitter 2 hours away whilst I attended an all day event. Very few parents would be comfortable with this scenario.

In OPs position I would either go on my own and leave DH to look after the DCs in the city or bring them to the hotel and DH looks after them in the room.

This was going to be my question - I mean we are all aware that sometimes parents make terrible decisions (McCann case probably being the most famous) but I’m surprised that it’s common particularly for young kids - wouldn’t you leave them at home with trusted grandparents/regular nanny if you really didn’t want them on holiday with you?
I wonder what circle it’s so common in? I’ve lived in the UK and know lots of American parents and it certainly wouldn’t be the norm from my experience! For weddings where people travel it seemed accepted that they would have babies with them even if the wedding was generally child free!

You must realise that it is very unusual for parents of very young children to be relaxed about leaving their children with a total stranger and be 2 hours away, especially if it is overnight.

What are other relatives dong OP? The ones who also have children and are also going to the wedding?

His wedding his rules. He doesn't have to pander to your children. You booking before you had the invite is your own problem.

As evident from this thread, it isn’t ‘some’ that think this is abnormal, the vast majority of posters, and their many circles, would not consider this set up to be acceptable. You might be the only one on here saying that it happens. (Curious to know what kind of trips these are, and why bother taking toddlers on holiday only to leave them somewhere.)

The balance of probabilities therefore is that the brother is being thoughtless rather than having a social circle where it is acceptable.

But it had already been discussed with the brother before the OP booked the tickets. He then told her after she had booked them that the children were not welcome.

I don't subscribe to the "our wedding, our rulez" mantra. It is self absorbed and narcissistic.

A wedding is a celebration of marriage and a party where the bride and groom are hosts. To totally disregard your guests because it is "my way or the highway" is rather selfish. For example, we had an afternoon wedding to allow guests time to travel (to my home town, not a destination wedding, just very scattered family on both sides).

A wedding isn't just the bride and groom's day it is a day for the guests as well.

@RampantIvy who would want kids at a wedding? Genuinely? All they do is ruin it. It's their day. They're the ones paying. They make the decisions.

I've never heard of anyone doing this. I suspect you've got mixed up with leaving kids in daycare or with a family member / existing nanny. 2 hours for a toddler with a stranger for a whole day and overnight is crazy, because they would be utterly traumatised thinking they had been abandoned.

No, kids don't ruin a wedding unless they are spectacularly badly behaved. You must know some people who have no idea how to parent their children.

And a wedding isn't just for the bride and groom, it is for the guests as well.

We had 2 teenagers and 6 young children at our wedding, one who was nearly two years old, and they were all well behaved because they were parented properly.

They were all family children, and if we had said no children the parents wouldn't have been able to attend either.

@RampantIvy I've only ever been to child free weddings and they're ideal. Nobody wants a baby crying during the vows

I used unknown babysitters for long evening events when mine were younger via the sitters website, where they are all DBS checked and qualified. I was probably up to about an hour away but I have friends who used them at short notice to get to work events where they were going to be well over an hour away. I think on one occasion I was about 3 hours away, work finished about midnight and I drove back so I would be there before my child woke up but the sitter stayed anyway.

I also organized a childminder to be on site during my own wedding before I even had children so that people could leave their children and enjoy the day.

No, kids don't ruin a wedding unless they are spectacularly badly behaved. You must know some people who have no idea how to parent their children.
Quite. We had children at ours. They didn't ruin anything. One of them (1 year old) shouted out just as they did the "anyone knows any cause or impediment" bit. That was perfect timing! Another (4 years old) danced in the aisle just as we came back up. He was removed just before we got to him, it was really sweet.

Crying during the vows? If that had happened all the people I knew would have taken the child out. And a bit of crying before they.managed to is just life. Doesn't ruin anything unless you want your wedding to be a perfect, instagram moment and nothing else. I wanted mine to be part of my real life.

I did. Loads of my friends had babies and toddlers as I got married later. They were so fun! No problems at all.

I've been to probably 50/50 split of child vs child free weddings and I prefer the with child ones. Maybe because the whole day has then tended to be more laid back.

It wouldn't have bothered me, but I'm not precious about things like that. If my little niece had bawled during the ceremony SIL would have taken her out.

I was the first of my friends to get married, and none of them had children.

Go and enjoy your holiday and decline the wedding invite.
Make sure you post a ton of photos all over facebook on the actual day, showing how much fun you are having with your family.

What a nasty and bitter thing to do 😂

You have two options as far as I can see it.

1. Cancel and not go at all.
2. Go as planned on the trip. But on the day of the wedding your DH stays with the children and you attend the wedding alone.

(sorry couldn’t get cold around the numbered paragraphs)

I agree with the above - if you still want to go to the place, your DH stays with the kids and has some time just with them, and you go to the wedding. Obviously you wouldn’t leave them with a babysitter you don’t know, two hours from you on the other side of the world. I mean obviously.