Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

Your brother has really pulled the rug out from under your feet here. I would just cancel everything and tell him why. It's disgraceful what they have done and to suggest you leave your DC with some random babysitter in a foreign country. Fuck that. Your brother doesn't give a toss about you or your family.

@Vabenejulio The bride is not in charge though! She doesn't get to make all the decisions

DBS checks only tell you that a person isn't a convicted criminal - they don't guarantee safety. Plenty of paedos and nutters out there, who just haven't been caught. To me, it's massively neglectful to take that chance with a child. While you cannot guard against all risk in life, a responsible parent spends time getting to know babysitters and they get references from lots of other parents.
I get that the brother may not be thinking along those lines but he really should have told the OP it was a child free wedding from the get go.

Yet most abuse occurs in the family home and/or from known and supposedly trusted family members/friends who just hasn't been caught yet. Statistically, a child is likely to be safer with a complete stranger who has a DBS check than with someone known to them. It doesn't fit with how we like to think, it is uncomfortable to consider, so we tell ourselves that strangers are the problem.

This is not true. Abuse occurs where there is access. Families/friends have the most access. If we were to look at abuse according to time the abuser has access to their victim then complete strangers are far more dangerous.

While that’s true, not being abused isn’t the sole factor. I think it would be really traumatising to leave a young child with a random stranger that they haven’t been afforded the opportunity to develop a relationship with and to feel safe and secure. The attitude of as long as you’re not abused all is good is very odd to me - surely that’s a bare minimum one would require?

I totally support the OP but I think this is extreme. Many, many people use babysitters and they can be people the child hasn't necessarily met before. The children aren't traumatised after the experience.

It's the other factors here (notably the bizarre hotel demand and the distance) that make the brother and SIL's standpoint unacceptable and unreasonable.

I personally wouldn’t leave my kids with someone they had never met before - and most people I know wouldn’t. why not take a few a half hours before hand to make your child feel comfortable. There’s a reason childminders and creches do settling in period. It can be easy as an adult to think no big deal but to leave an 18 month old with a stranger is scary for them - they are still figuring out the fact object permanence and so separation anxiety is at a peak.

@Bayern a paedo will abuse wherever they get opportunity. And I think there are far more about than we like to think. So imho parents should be a lot more careful generally. But a stranger is a completely unknown quantity - at least with people the parents know, they can make some risk assessments.

The children will be suffering from jet-lag (and not know what it is), will be in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people speaking with an unfamiliar accent two hours (so 4 hours travel away) from the wedding. They’re going to be very unsettled, if not upset.

Cancel the lot OR if you’d lose almost all the money I’d still go and have a holiday but dint go to the wedding. I’d also never forgive him they are his niece/nephews I can’t believe he doesn’t want them there that’s really sad 😢 my DB had my little boys as the only kids at his wedding and they were ring bearers/pageboys because he loves them and they love their uncle.

YANBU to be angry about this.

I think I would choose the option to both 1) treat it as a family holiday and 2) leave DP to watch the kids while you attend the wedding alone.

They have made a mistake here. But if they really are a close and dear relative, it doesn’t need to be a mistake that costs the future of your relationship. If the destination really is a lovely one, and if money is already spent and cannot be refunded, just enjoy it. Have one day be a wedding activity for you alone while DP and kiddos enjoy stress-free hotel fun.

(I would feel sore, I’m sure. But it’ll pass and hopefully you and your little family can have a beautiful time.)

He needs to be reminded that a wedding is one day. Yes for them the prep is more intense but that’s it really. He has no say over the rest of the time. I’m assuming the wedding is at the hotel and that hopefully it’s not exclusive use so that if DH is with the kids he can still enjoy the facilities with them. Otherwise, even that compromise sounds harsh and by the end of it if I was DH I would be climbing the walls

I’d have to agree with previous posters who’ve said just treat it as a holiday or maybe if you *really want to go alone to the wedding and leave the children with DP. I can certainly understand the desire for child-free weddings but that’s no excuse for not making it clear far further in advance.

Not a cat in hells chance I'd leave my kids over 2 hours away in any country with someone I didn't know. Where would you leave them? In this babysitters house? Pay for a hotel? WTF. What a pair of dicks.
I'd not go unless HE suggests the children attend with a baby sitter on site for later that day. And even then I'd still be furious.
If he didn't, and you can't recoup, then make it clear you'll be in the country holidaying but not attending.
Curious to how you play this one out. ..

He probably already does, hence the ban! 😂

Ha ha ha I LOVE being petty when people are cunts! 😇

Do they have kids themselves yet? Wait until they do, and penny drops about how selfishly they have behaved. They will be mortified.

I've been to loads of weddings with kids, and had several at my own and it really is NOT that big of a deal.

OP I would be livid. Really hope you can recoup the money you've spent. Ring airline directly, you might be able to change flights to a new destination. Or if other family members haven't booked yet, you might be able to do a name change and give them your tickets/have them pay you if refund doesn't work out.

Good luck

I wouldn’t go. There is no way I’d have a stranger babysitting my children and there is no way that they would be banned from the hotel. He doesn’t own the hotel, he can’t tell you not to bring children there. I’d say sorry we can’t make it work and get some of your money back.

Very simple: you can’t leave children with babysitters if not in hotel.
You cancel. It should have been made clear children were not welcome.

Absolutely this.

I suspect this is your only workable compromise. It would be the only one I'd choose.

Can you explain to him you won't be leaving tiny infant & toddler with unknown babysitter 2 hours away and overnight!

And this is what you are planning... What's he gonna do, tell the hotel to ban your kids from staying?!? Also how is it gonna impact the couple?? You and your Oh will tag team looking after the kids... The wedding party probably won't even notice

A now former friend of mine pulled this shit on on me. There’s no way in hell I’d be leaving my kids with a sitter I’d never met before in a rural area of anywhere. They didn’t see the problem as they’d offloaded their kids onto a random. Really made me rethink who they were.

I cut them off, you can’t as easily as he’s your brother - just take it as a holiday and send him a postcard from within the country to read when he returns. ‘Wish we could be there, lots of love from [same place your wedding was in]’

childless weddings are always controversial but this is completely taking the piss! Change your accommodation and have a great holiday instead. This is shitty behaviour. I was always pretty relaxed about leaving kids with baby sitters for weddings if I had to, but not in a foreign country!!!

I’d go to the hotel and enjoy my holiday and maybe have a meal with DB and wife in the hotel but I definitely wouldn’t attend his wedding. Sod that!

I woukd see if you can cancelled and recoup any money, anything you lose class aa thier wedding present.If you can't get a decent refund and / or want the holiday just you go to the reception and leave your husband to babysit at the hotel. See if the hotel can offer a babysitter for the evening and both of you go down in the evening, when the children are asleep.He cant stop you going to the hotel and needs to compromise. .
Your brother has basically uninvited you from his wedding so I would be tempted to just get back as much money as possible, tell him thst this is what you plan to do, before he tries to turn the tables and blame you for this.Yes he's an idiot and hopefully he will look back and realise he is but be warned I wouldn't hold your breath