Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

@Creamandjamorjamandcream

“We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.”

As you have already booked the accommodation for the wedding, I presume that you have booked a family room for you all? If this is the case, then the hotel has already agreed to allow your children to stay there! Therefore your ‘d’b and his fiancée CAN stop them from attending the wedding, but CAN’T stop you taking your dcs to the venue. If they’re not happy, tough, it’s not as if you’re going to be seeing them every week or two…

Wow I’m childfree but even I think he has handled this incredibly badly and no wonder you are upset.
I would cancel for sure.

The bride and groom are being twats. Zero emotional intelligence and empathy.
I wonder if you are the only guests with DC?
I would do one of the following:
*Cancel everything
*DH stays in the wedding venue in the bedroom with DC
*Keep the holiday accommodation and you just travel to the wedding for the day and evening, then get back to your family and enjoy your holiday

I bloody hate child free weddings.
And you can bet your bottom dollar in 3 years time when she has her own DC she'll be moaning about how she 'realises it's everyone's choice and she also had a childfree wedding, but surely the bride can understand she's still breastfeeding?? And she doesn't know anyone in that town and can't possibly leave het child with a stranger."
Ughh I would be very tempted to not go.

Which country is it, OP?

Really shitty of them to do. I wouldn't cancel but ditch the wedding and continue with the holiday. They deserve you not turning up.

You would leave your kids with a babysitter you’d never met two hours away in a foreign country? I don’t think everyone would be comfortable with that.

Your brother and his fiance are being ridiculous.

I will say I once helped out a couple in a pinch like you. Family friends had posted in a local FB group and I corresponded with them before their arrival and baby-sat at the venue. I'm just a local Mum but did it b/c in the same situation I'd want someone trustworthy etc. They stayed in touch after and told me how that kind offer single handedly didn't ruin the holiday for them. They'd also come from abroad. I wonder if you post the location if anyone knows of any local parent groups where someone either is a local family with trusted sitters or a Mum who is willing to help out? That way they'd be at the venue and you could check on them regularly.

I’d probably be an arse and turn up to the wedding with kids in tow. They could sit on the parents lap and share the food.

That is on you TBH. Would you rather I had been ruder? It was silly. You can be silly and an adult.

Total dick move on their part. They have made life very difficult for you.
Could you go on the holiday anyway as a family?
If you still are looking for some way to attend the wedding, could you go to the ceremony alone whilst your husband looks after the kids/ come in the evening while he has them?
Not that you should be bending over backwards for them at all!
I wouldn't blame you for cancelling everything.

Oh come off if, what sane person would leave their children overnight with a babysitter they’d never met in a foreign country?!?!?!?

This exact thing happened to our family / except s’n’law-to-be sent us a link to a baby sitting website (after we had all booked long haul plane tickets and accommodation) and said we could find a baby sitter online. My little sister’s youngest child was 6
months old and our oldest child was 8.

I have never really deep down forgiven her and my brother to be honest - they should have said no kids on the invite.

I knew deep down if they had kids there was no way they would leave a six month old with a stranger found on the website - and low and behold yes their daughter is about 8 and only left with family or friends.

What about the OP’s budget?! It’s going to be costing her thousands of pounds!

Get the flights transferred. Take the family to Disneyland.

I absoltely hate no child weddings when people are travelling a long way. We hired a babysitter for our own kids at our wedding and everyone brought their kids and they all piled in one room together to watch cartoons when they got tired.

It would be a shame to miss the wedding,so go back to your brother and explain how shit this is.

If they won't budge, or at least allow the kids to be babysat within the hotel where you are, then go alone and put on a smile while your husband minds the kids. It's only one day and it's not worth causing the fall out as you are family, and it's all booked anyway. One day he will probably realise what a knob he has been and be really grateful that you still came for his big day.

This is dreadful behaviour on your brothers part. I think I would still go. But, I would arrange childcare for at the hotel. He can't dictate where your kids get babysat or what goes on outside of the wedding! . He can dictate who attends his wedding though. If anyone asks, just tell the truth, it wasn't mentioned to you until it was too late.
A wedding is a few hours. You will be the bigger person for showing up (but you arrange the childcare that you want,) no family fall outs and the rest of the time you cam have a gorgeous holiday.

Just to add - yes, you're totally justified in your anger. And no, it doesn't matter if they knew you were staying two weeks either side or only flying in for the weekend.

They should have been clear about being child-free from the outset / before people incurred travel costs.

(Also, they cannot control whether or not you bring your children to the hotel unless they've booked out and paid for the entire hotel themselves)

Hope you find a resolution.

Cancel everything - they are fuckwits! Spend the money on a nice family holiday.

I’d be fuming and upset. No way I’d be leaving my kids with a baby sitter that isn’t familiar to them, let alone in a foreign country.

I would drop your brother a message informing him, that due to the constraints of the wedding, regrettably you can’t attend… OR you will be in attendance, but your partner will not due to childcare.

im so sorry your in this situation, i think its really unfair.

i hope you can cancel the holiday/change destination, but if not, go and have the best family time with your little ones.

im guessing your brother and the wife to be don’t have kids yet, im sure in a few years if they do, he will look back and regret his decision and the rift this will cause.

xx

I know there’s this whole child free wedding thing on MN but this is something else.

Unusual to not be able to cancel accommodation - flights trickier and likely a credit/change to something else.

I would be massively offended to go and my family be holed up in the room. Shameful behaviour, especially if you don’t see family often due to distance.

Agree!

I'd be not speaking to my brother for a very long time after this. Hope he enjoys his soulless wedding day.

I'd cancel everything. I would be worried that an idiot that didn't understand or didn't care that I didn't want my kids with a stranger in a different location in a foreign country, would get the family to be nasty to me about if I went alone or whatever.

I wouldn’t be leaving my young children overnight with strangers , so there’s your answer, no wedding , sorry bro , have children and see how you feel !

I'm not surprised you're upset. Leave your children two hours away with a total stranger? Is your brother out of his mind? Also you're an adult. He doesn't get to dictate to you what you do with your own DC. So you could go to the wedding and you and your DH take turns minding/playing with the kids so they are not in attendance at the wedding. Then have your holiday. Tell your bro you respect his wedding arrangements but as for the rest, you don't need to be told what to do thank you very much.