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AIBU?

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Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:
NewFriendlyLadybird · 02/09/2024 19:49

simpledeer · 02/09/2024 16:45

I agree with PP this is absolutely shit behaviour.

I would try to cut my losses and cancel everything. If that’s infeasible, just go for a holiday but don’t attend the wedding.

Agree with everyone that this is the solution.

RampantIvy · 02/09/2024 19:50

@Creamandjamorjamandcream are your parents going? Do they know that it is going to be tricky for you?

PorridgeEater · 02/09/2024 19:52

"Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday. That's what I'd be doing".

This seems the best idea if you can't cancel and get a refund. It's really unfair of relative to move the goal posts once you've booked - I would not want to leave children with unknown babysitters.
Up to you if you want to visit relatives while you're there.

Newsenmum · 02/09/2024 19:52

Absolutely awful! Did he know you’d booked you all to go? I’d personally have only one of you go to the wedding (the closed relative) and the other be with the kids and/or take turns and just have a big holiday away. That’s if I can’t cancel. If I have a choice, I would absolutely cancel and take my money elsewhere.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 02/09/2024 19:54

Your brother is a twat. And that’s a kind word for him. I could never forgive my brother if he did that.

WeddingConundrum123 · 02/09/2024 19:54

How much could you get back if you cancel? Investigate that over next couple of days. In a couple days message him and tell him you categorically are not comfortable leaving having the kids anywhere but on the hotel site. As they won't permit it you will be cancelling the trip completely (if most money back). If you can't get money back or transfer it to another holiday destination then I'd say make the most out of the trip and go explore as planned and say you won't be attending the wedding but hope to see them while you're there.

I'd also give him a bollocking for not telling you kids not invited from beginning as he's now cost you X you didn't have and the outcome is the same, you won't be attending the wedding.

Febmama23 · 02/09/2024 19:55

If they don’t accommodate you in some way and you can’t get your money back, then still travel but don’t go to the wedding. Their fault, not yours

Charlie2121 · 02/09/2024 19:57

I would cancel everything, recoup what you can and send them a bill for the balance.

Cantalever · 02/09/2024 20:03

If you really want to go to the wedding, and there is no hotel near the venue, you could hire a campervan and drive there. Park near the wedding, and ask DH to look after your DC while you attend. Maybe you could swap over for a while so he can put in an appearance too.

Tartantotty · 02/09/2024 20:05

Cancel - even if it means losing some money. However, perhaps it might have been a good idea to ask in advance if children would be included in the invite. Never assume, I guess.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 02/09/2024 20:05

FionnulaTheCooler · 02/09/2024 16:44

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all

That's not their call to make though. They can ban your children from the ceremony/reception but not from the hotel altogether. If that's the option that works best for you then do it.

Quite.
I would be contacting the hotel direct.

EveryDayisFriday · 02/09/2024 20:13

You don't have to go. I missed my DBs wedding on the other side of the world on a tropical island. It would have been around £10k for us to go as a family and it was just too much for us. I wished them all the best and enjoyed the photos.

RedPanda901 · 02/09/2024 20:19

Children of the immediate family should definitely be invited especially given it’s so far away. I can guarantee if they have children they will think differently. We had a similar situation abroad but they did have babysitters for the children in a separate building. My family member expressed regret at enforcing this set up once he had children of his own.

Melodysmum12 · 02/09/2024 20:20

Wow that’s awful!
They must have known given how long you were coming for that you’d bring your children! I’d never leave my kids with a random.
I’d be saying kids are coming or we won’t be! Then I’d go on holiday there anyway and avoid the wedding!

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2024 20:22

They’re being total knobs. What do your parents think of the kids being excluded I wonder?

DoloresHargreeves · 02/09/2024 20:29

Staggering that your relative thinks he can dictate whether your kids are in the hotel with you. What he fuck is he on about? Getting married doesn't mean you get to select who is in a mile radius of you at all times.

DrRichardWebber · 02/09/2024 20:31

My sister did this exact thing to my brother for her wedding. She didn’t have kids at the time so didn’t understand that he might not want to leave them with random babysitters. My mum got involved and told her that she had to invite his kids, which she did in the end. Really shockingly bad behaviour though!

Hankunamatata · 02/09/2024 20:32

I'd go on holiday and stuff wedding

thenightsky · 02/09/2024 20:32

Maddy70 · 02/09/2024 16:54

Its a child free wedding ...they have got baby sitters. Its only for the day. The rest of the time ypu have them. Baby sitters at the hotel /venue so you can check on them periodically

You should have waited for the invitation before booking everything frankly

How on earth can the OP check on her DC when they are in a hotel 2 hours away. That would be a 4 hour round trip to do just one check.

itsmabeline · 02/09/2024 20:35

What exactly did your brother say to you about the wedding before the formal invitation to was received?

Did he send out save the dates and tell you the venue's confirmed so you should go ahead and make bookings?

Did you tell him you were going to book?

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 20:37

MadinMarch · 02/09/2024 19:40

It's not a real option though when you know that both, or one or other of the children may be very traumatised by being left with a stranger.
Certainly my daughter when young would have been very unhappy to have been left with anyone overnight, even those people she knew, if I wasn't there.

Show quote history

Yes and here the key point for me:

I have an obligation to my young vulnerable children and their well being and care, that is literally my main responsibility in life above everything else.

I don't have any obligations to my sibling but especially not when they are actively causing an issue with my kids.

Stardustmoon · 02/09/2024 20:40

Could you all go and then you go to the wedding alone and your DH looks after the kids? It is outrageous that your children are not invited when he is such a close family member.

housethatbuiltme · 02/09/2024 20:41

Tartantotty · 02/09/2024 20:05

Cancel - even if it means losing some money. However, perhaps it might have been a good idea to ask in advance if children would be included in the invite. Never assume, I guess.

Cancel what?

OP is going on holiday, that likely can't be cancelled and she can have a wonderful time.

She obviously can't cancel the wedding as its not her wedding. She can't cancel 'attending' the wedding because she hasn't even RSVP'd that she is attending as she only just got an invite and now can't.

StormingNorman · 02/09/2024 20:44

GravitasShortfall · 02/09/2024 18:08

I get the impression they ARE only going because of the wedding though, and the travel has been turned in to a holiday to make the expense and logistics worthwhile. OP stated how tricky it was financially doing this as a family of 4. Had she known the kids weren’t invited and her husband would have to miss the wedding to look after them, she may well have decided to fly alone and stay a much shorter time or even not attend at all. I’d be upset too if he waited until he knew I’d booked for the whole family and then he casually dropped in that the kids aren’t welcome.

I say that as a child free woman who would only ever have a child free wedding. If you are going to have that kind of wedding, especially an expensive destination wedding, you have to 1) give TONS of notice of it being child free and definitely at the same time as you invite people and 2) be gracious about people refusing due to childcare.

Show quote history

The holiday was booked around the wedding obviously, but now it’s just one day out of four weeks. That was my point. It’s not as if they are travelling, going to the wedding and turning around to come home so all the money is wasted and the kids are just going to sit in a hotel room and get no benefit from the trip. There will also be opportunities for the family to catch up outside of the wedding day.

NotARealWookiie · 02/09/2024 20:44

If you can get the money back then do and don’t go.

if you can’t get the money back just go on holiday and decline the invitation, tell them you’d love to celebrate with them afterwards. Then everyone will see the poor behaviour.