Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

I would not under any circumstances leave my two young children with complete strangers miles away in a foreign country unknown town to me day and night. What an absolutely bonkers suggestion, and so I take it they dont have kids!

You either go and enjoy the holiday, no wedding. Go enjoy the holiday and go to wedding alone and DH stays with the kids for the day, cancel it all once you have confirmed thats what will happen should they not be flexible.

What a complete arse for you!

I'd either cancel if you can, or go, visit them and decline the wedding day. Just say your really sorry even if your not sorry but it's not possible to attend without the kids.

Who doesn't invite their own nieces and nephews to their wedding? Dicks, that's who. Don't invite your friends' kids, your second cousins' kids, that's all well and good, but your own nieces and nephews, come on. Especially when you're getting your family to cross half the world for you. I am judging, and I'm not sorry.

You can’t leave the kids with a stranger. Even in the hotel room. I think you need to forget the wedding and try to enjoy the holiday!

Haven't you done this post before?

It was the brother getting married and people were suggesting only one of you go to the wedding x

No parent worthy of the name leaves their child in the care of complete strangers for an entire day. Of course, adopting a laissez faire attitude to the safety of someone else's children is easy when it's merely someone else's children.

Of course there will be protestations of 'their wedding, their choice'. But the bride and groom don't get to choose whether would-be guests do or don't accept the terms on which they issue their invitation.Guests can also exercise the choice of whether to prioritise their children's safety and wellbeing or superficial appearances at someone else's wedding.

I know what I would choose. Every time.

With many of these wedding posts about children not being invited, I do tend to think that it's no big deal for the kids to be left with a sitter, or childcare or whatever, but in another country that seems bonkers!

For what it's worth, we traveled quite a bit when I was a young child in the 1970s (no cell phone, no internet databases to check) and sometimes my parents left us with hotel-recommended sitters, in S. America and elsewhere. For an evening while they dined out and had a few drinks. There was never any problem.

Would it be possible for you and the older child to "get to know" a prospective sitter via Zoom? So that they wouldn't be complete strangers? (the ones recommended by your relatives) That way you both could attend the party?

Not wanting the kids at the hotel where the wedding reception is taking place is just completely bonkers, though. If that is really their stance I'd save the money and cancel. It's a giant faff to attend and really they'll be just as married the next day whether you are there or not. Why put yourselves out when they aren't willing to?

I'm assuming Australia

I do tend to think that it's no big deal for the kids to be left with a sitter, or childcare

A complete stranger @ethelredonagoodday?

It's not something I would ever have been happy with, and clearly a lot of parents don't feel comfortable with the idea either.

I don't think I said anything about a complete stranger?! I said a sitter or childcare.

Unless the wedding involves zero travel at all and you can leave your children at home with friends then yes, a sitter or any paid childcare is going to be a total stranger.

I would check whether it's just the actual ceremony that they don't want children at, or the whole day.

Sometimes people are worried the children will make a noise in the service, but they are fine having them at the reception. (Not my opinion, but I would definitely check whether they are welcome for some of the day).

The first post confirmed that OP has been told her children are not even welcome to sleep in the same hotel so it's pretty clear it's not just the ceremony

missed that, sorry.

I would have thought this would be a great time for them to get to know their nephew/niece(s). They aren't going to get many other chances. In future years, once the 4 year old is at school, OP will struggle to get out there as long holidays will need to be arranged around school holidays. I'd suggest OP frames it in this light and tries one more time to explain why the children should come for some or all of it.

We attended a child free wedding abroad this year, we took a grandparent who luckily did childcare and made a holiday out of it. But I was really annoyed at their suggestion of leaving our toddler with a complete stranger.

If he doesn’t back down over this i don’t think I could ever forgive him.

What are your parents saying about it? Could they potentially speak some sense into him? I know my family would be absolutely enraged at this sort of stunt.

YADNBU!!! I'd be fuming. I can't believe your DB didn't say early on that it would be a childfree wedding, that's really not on. He would have known that you would be trying to sort travel/accommodation etc in good time.

If you are happy to just make the trip be a family holiday, then go for it (and don't go to wedding, or maybe just you show up for the ceremony part and then leave). If not, hopefully, you can get refunds.

Years back (when my eldest was just 5), my cousin sent me an invite to her wedding. It would have involved trans-Atlantic travel for me (from UK). We're really close, so I would have made the effort to attend, even though at the time I was studying and a single mum. Invitations were sent out: whole family was invited....apart from kids. Fine/each to their own, I just RSVPed and politely declined. I then got a bashing for not going!! I explained that I couldn't have left my child with anyone as ALL the family were all bloody going to the wedding and I wasn't prepared to just piss off abroad and leave him behind with a random, or even a friend. Cousin then had DC of her own a couple of years later, the penny dropped and I got a very sheepish apology from her about it all!!

Why did you book before the invite was received? The children are old enough to be left with a babysitter in your hotel.

This is pretty shocking. Your family member can decide if they want children at their wedding or not. Totally up to them. But...
they should have made it clear from the outset that kids weren't welcome.
Lay it on thick to them that you are out of pocket as a result of their miscommunication

I’d see if I could cancel without losing too much money and tell brother arrangements his future wife made for your children are obviously not acceptable to you - no sane parents would leave children overnight with strangers. If you would lose too much money, I would go on the holiday and just you attend the wedding for the shortest time possible before rejoining husband and children .

He's being amazingly unreasonable. Do whatever suits you OP as he obviously dgaf about anyone else. What a twat!

A babysitter who is a total stranger in a foreign country? Would you take that option?

I absolutely would be cutting my losses and not go.
What utterly selfish twats.
And people are surprised when weddings cause permanent rifts when people behave as badly as this.

Same as everyone else. I'd cancel if I could do so without losing much money. I don't understand this whole business of child free weddings. Children are people and, in this case, immediate family members, not some separate species. Weddings are all about family.

I’d contact the airline to see if they will give you a credit note to allow you to transfer to alternative flights (many airlines will do this if you explain the issue) - am assuming hotel booking may not have been paid in full, if at all, at this point. If you can do that, book to go somewhere else.

I totally understand child free weddings… when people live in the same country and locally so children can be left with family/friends. The blasé way DB assumes you will leave a 4 and 18m old with someone you and they have never met, whose credentials you cannot even check, is appalling.

…. and just realised the kids will be hideously jet-lagged too, so a nightmare for any babysitter, even one that knows them. I’d definitely pass and rebook some where more family friendly.