Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

That’s sounds like a sensible plan OP. I would also be fuming!

I think the suggested responses are a little precious or formal in their language, but you're not being precious at all. Assuming the time difference means this has to be done by text, I'd just say:

Hi DB, I wish you'd told us the wedding is child free before we booked, we wouldn't have contemplated coming. We don't leave them with strangers so that's not an option. Honestly it never even occurred to us that they weren't invited when you knew we were planning on coming, it's so far and so expensive. We're going to use the flights since they're booked but we won't be at the wedding. Hope you have a wonderful day, perhaps we can meet up at some other point in our visit. OR, We're going to cancel the flights, but hopefully you'll be home in the next few years and we can catch up then.

"We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore."

I would treat it as a holiday and just ditch the wedding. There is no way I would leave my children with strangers two hours away from me, just no way.

Your brother is being a twat.

You did not read the OP or the thread and made a silly suggestion. Me pointing that out is not 'being funny'.

Telling someone they made "such a silly suggestion" makes it sound like you're talking to a 3 year old. I missed the first line about being the other side of the world, apologies for commiting such a crime.

Why the hell should your partner travel all that way to sit in a hotel room for the wedding? Most expensive baby sitting escapade ever.

Just cancel the whole thing OP or if you can’t turn it into a holiday. Your bro clearly hasn’t a scoobies about kids, so it’s time he learnt.

There doesn't 'have' to be a reason.

It may well be that the hotel is not kid friendly - though if the OP has booked a room there for her and her DH and their two children, I suspect they already know that it is not adults only.

I would think the reason the DB is saying 'no you can't bring children to the hotel to be sat in your room' is that he or his soon-to-be DW suspects that children at the hotel will rapidly turn into children at the wedding reception and 'we just thought you might like to see them' and 'they were so excited to pop their little suits on and say hello'... etc.

Which undoubtedly, some parents would try to pull.

The reason could just be 'we don't want you to'. Even if there is a reason, doesn't automatically have to be a good one, a fair one or a reasonable one!

I've no issue with child-free weddings, but people having weddings that involve a LOT of effort on the guests part, who expect these guests to show up (because a wedding without guests seems a bit bonkers), but then put ridiculous restrictions on them like 'your kids can't be in a room with a baby sitter, in the same hotel as us'... thats an issue.

Wow, I cannot actually believe people treat family in this way. Of course people can do as they please for weddings but to exclude immediate family children on a wedding so far away is awful, and of it was to be the case then he should have told you much earlier. I actually have no issue with child free weddings but Chris is mega selfish.

Not a chance I'd be going to the wedding

Tbh I’d just cancel. Unacceptable behaviour

Your brother is being awful. Normally I am fine with child free weddings but not in this circumstance with all the effort you are going to.

Go to this country you already have flights for and make it a family holiday - stuff the wedding. Your DB can catch up with you all when he can. (I also have a db who thinks the world revolves around him and you should accommodate his demands).

Saying they are band from the hotel is so out of order!

I am appalled on your behalf and I had a (mostly) childfree wedding but of course made an exception for babies and also for people who had travelled a long way. We also had our wedding very local to about 80% of the guests so that everyone could make easy arrangements and spoke to friends in advance.

I would cut your losses and cancel if you have to... or turn it into a holiday if you thought you would enjoy it. You must feel incredibly let down.

Cancel! I'd be fuming and also express to brother that I'd expect some reimbursement for the money I would loose seeing as he wasn't up front about it all

Did you post about this earlier in the year? Very similar thread with same issue, if not. Worth a search.

I just would go to the wedding frankly... you have a lovely family holiday booked and can do what you want while there which involves not going somewhere where you aren't actually welcomed.

And for the record there is not a chance in hell on any planet I would ever leave my kids with a stranger, hours away, in a foreign country. That sounds like the start of a Madeline McCann style documentary. I don't even use random unknown baby sitters in this country when I would be no further than 30 minutes away, when the kids would be in their familure setting and its the same language/country/culture etc...

Do you have a mil/ people on the other side of the family who might be willing to come and babysit? When my DS and his wife were invited to a no-children wedding in Spain, my DH and I ( DGPs) went out with them to look after the DC on the wedding day. Obviously we paid for ourselves. We had five days in Spain - I really enjoyed it, and I think they did, too.

Bloody hell I've read some selfish shit over the year but what the hell is your brother thinking? It's utterly ridiculous to be so awkward in the first place (if this is public hotel surely he can't stop them being there with your husband?). But not to have mentioned their intentions before you went ahead and committed financially is just appalling. Sorry OP I'd be absolutely tamping too.

Your brother is out of order. I understand kid free wedding but banned from the hotel- no! Can you get some / most money back? If not, and it’s a destination you’d like to visit, plan a wonderful family trip and don’t bother with the wedding.

It's not a real option though when you know that both, or one or other of the children may be very traumatised by being left with a stranger.
Certainly my daughter when young would have been very unhappy to have been left with anyone overnight, even those people she knew, if I wasn't there.

Yes she could, but from her posts she appears to prefer to cancel and lose the money, so I was saying go anyway, enjoy the holiday, but in the meantime chuck a pebble in, make some waves and see where that leads.

I think you're being unreasonable about regretting the flights - you've said you're taking another 2 weeks to explore the area, so it will be a holiday; the flights won't be wasted. However, I think your brother is being a bit of a dick suggesting that the children can't be babysat in the same hotel as the wedding. What does he think - they'll overpower the babysitter and run amok?! I'd just contact the hotel directly and ask about arranging a babysitter for the evening of the wedding; I wouldn't bother negotiating that with your brother. It's fair enough he can invite whomever he chooses to his wedding, but he can't dictate how or where you arrange childcare.

Practical question - what can you cancel? If you can cancel accommodation and rearrange flights, then I’d do that. If not, I’d just go on the holiday and decline the wedding. (Or you could turn up for the ceremony on your own while your DH entertains the kids for a couple of hours, but don’t go to the reception. There’s no way on earth I’d leave my kids with a random babysitter except for an actual life threatening emergency. Your brother has been completely out of order not to be upfront before you booked.)

Your brother doesn't want his own nieces/nephews there! Disgusting! Don't go. Hopefully Hel realise how awful that is when he's a parent himself

I would absolutely cancel and either get as much of a refund as possible, or see whether the booking could be transferred to pay gor a holiday you actually want. Expecting you to leave your children with an unknown babysitter hours away is insane .