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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 02/09/2024 18:34

Createausername1970 · 02/09/2024 16:58

I think I would still go for the holiday, but make it known amongst the immediate family that, oh such a shame, but we aren't actually able to attend the actual wedding due to the childcare restrictions. We are devastated, but accept the restrictions....... and wait to see where that leads.

That's bollocks though. OP could just attend without her partner?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/09/2024 18:35

Garlicnaan · 02/09/2024 18:34

That's bollocks though. OP could just attend without her partner?

Show quote history

How fun for her.

OVienna · 02/09/2024 18:35

Goldbar · 02/09/2024 18:33

Would it even be possible for you to find a babysitter in the city they live in to cover you attending the wedding? Presumably you'd need at least an overnight (so 1-2 days) and maybe longer (2-3 days) if you're meant to be there the night before.

Surely it's quite difficult to arrange for this sort of childcare to be provided by a stranger (as opposed to family), let alone in a different country? And where are the kids meant to be looked after? In the babysitter's house? In a hotel room or rented accommodation? Or is your brother planning to let the kids and babysitter stay at his place?

It's not just a question of not wanting to leave the kids with a stranger (though I completely understand this). I just don't think this kind of childcare is readily available. Does he not understand that or has he just given no thought to your situation whatsoever?

If it's Oz/Nz there is probably a nanny agency which could supply an overnight nanny. Goodness knows at what price, but I think it will exist.

But yes - a challenge looking after two children in a hotel room. They'll be out and walking around.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 02/09/2024 18:36

If it's an adults only hotel then no the children wouldn't be allowed to stay in your room. And no amount of you stamping your feet and demanding will change that. You need to check that before you go in all guns blazing at your brother.

Then you need to weigh up everything and make a decision on whether you go or not. It's your brother's wedding they have every right to say no children just like you can say you can't go now. You can't force him to let your children go to his wedding.

There has to be a reason he said they can't stay at the hotel. Find that out first.

SoMauveMonty · 02/09/2024 18:40

Some people lose their bloody minds over weddings. It's one day. It's supposed to be about celebrating your marriage, and start of new life as a married couple, with your family and friends - not making those family and friends spend thousands of pounds and jump through dozens of hoops to give you the perfect 'experience' you feel entitled to. And the bride saying she doesn't want babies/children being babysit in the hotel away from proceedings is just cracked. Are they deliberately trying to make life difficult for guests?

If i were your brother i'd be delighted you were happy to go to the trouble and expense of travelling to see me get married, and do everything i could to make it straightforward for you. Bu as others have said, it's a wedding not a summons and i wouldn't blame you for telling them no thanks.

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 02/09/2024 18:41

UnctuousUnicorns · 02/09/2024 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday. That's what I'd be doing. 🤷‍♀️

This

sparklybead · 02/09/2024 18:43

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:58

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

I will take a few days to calm down and chat with him again. I agree that the best option is to have the children at the hotel the weddings at with my partner staying up in the room with them. If that’s not an option, I think we will probably have to decline the invite all together and get whatever money back we can.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

This is what I would do; treat it as a holiday, and go to the wedding yourself as he’s your brother, with your partner looking after the children.

Although I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a separate hotel, but then we’ve never stayed at wedding hotels anyway, we’ve always stayed somewhere else.

DappledThings · 02/09/2024 18:43

OVienna · 02/09/2024 18:20

At a risk of a 'cancel the cheque' moment here, I have re-read the OPs posts and I don't see where she says there are no babysitters at the hotel, just that the SIL to be is only familiar with some in the city. I'd call the hotel - I'd lay money on them being able to find some solution (even if it's a staff member, for example) the OP could pay for. Then I'd present it to the brother as a fait accompli. What are they going to do? Run the kids out of town?

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.
End of the penultimate paragraph of the OP

WimbyAce · 02/09/2024 18:46

I am shocked that he allowed you to book this without stating it was "child free". If it was me I wouldn't be going. No way would I would be leaving my young kids with some random they had never met. Hopefully you are early enough to cancel.

Namename12345562 · 02/09/2024 18:47

They knew you had kids? Do they have kids of their own? I sense that when/if they do they’d probably be rightly shocked by anyone else doing something like this…! Fair enough if they’d made that clear at the beginning before you’d booked everything but not after, and leaving the kids with a babysitter in a completely different city, country… YANBU

ouch321 · 02/09/2024 18:48

Did you tell him you were booking tickets for the children as well and he said nothing?

In which case, YANBU

Or did you just make an incorrect assumption and discussed flight dates with him in a general sense without mentioning that you were booking 4 tickets in which case the error was yours

In which case YABU.

Gazelda · 02/09/2024 18:49

Those saying she should have waited for the invite, isn't it obvious that DB knew she was coming to the wedding because he'd given her the date, venue etc. So it's entirely down to him that he didn't tell her the wedding was child free at the point he provided details to her.

OP, if I were you I'd establish how much it's going to cost to cancel. And then either cancel or go for the holiday without attending the wedding.

pasta · 02/09/2024 18:52

I find it completely bizarre that people think OP should have waited for the invitation from her BROTHER before booking. He's hardly a distant relative and he knows she has small children, it was completely on him to let her know that he didn't want kids there.

Hollietree · 02/09/2024 18:53

That’s insane. I would politely decline and hope to get whatever money I could back from cancelling flights/hotels. I hope that you have good cancellation policies 🤞🏼

I presume they don’t have their own kids. They won’t realise how unreasonable their expectations of you are until they maybe have their own in the future!

violetcuriosity · 02/09/2024 18:57

As much as my knee jerk reaction would be to cancel everything, the money is spent now and you don't want to somehow be painted as the bad one here. I think I would probably say that I'd still go and be happy to join in the pre and post wedding celebrations but won't be able to attend the actual wedding due to not wanting to leave my children with strangers away from the hotel site.

DappledThings · 02/09/2024 18:57

ouch321 · 02/09/2024 18:48

Did you tell him you were booking tickets for the children as well and he said nothing?

In which case, YANBU

Or did you just make an incorrect assumption and discussed flight dates with him in a general sense without mentioning that you were booking 4 tickets in which case the error was yours

In which case YABU.

But the brother is BU either way. He's entirely unreasonable to expect OP to attend her own brother's wedding thousands of miles away without her DC. So it doesn't really matter when he admitted how much of a dick he was being, he was being a dick from the beginning.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2024 18:59

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2024 17:35

Dear brother

The proposal to leave our very young children 2 hours away from us with strangers in a foreign country would be extremely neglectful. This is not something we would consider in the uk, let alone abroad. We are incredibly upset that this plan was not communicated to us as we never would have booked plane tickets and the hotel. We cannot agree to leave them under any circumstance. If their basic needs cannot be accommodated, we unfortunately won’t be able to attend the wedding.

I'd just go with "unfortunately we are unable to attend due to childcare issues"

There's no need for passive aggressive stuff about neglect etc.

Clauz · 02/09/2024 19:00

Kevinisnotacatname · 02/09/2024 17:19

I'd be saying to your brother 'let me understand this, you expect my children to fly xx hours across the world at a cost to us of xx and not be invited to your wedding?

I'd salvage that holiday you can IF you can't get refunds and not go. Unbelievable cheek but to mention this till now. It's totally ok to have a child free wedding but you absolutely should have been told before things were at the booking stage

This!

I'd go on the holiday and probably not go to the wedding. It's very rude and very unreasonable given the cost, the close relationship, the travel distance and no prior warning.

Earwigpig · 02/09/2024 19:02

No helpful advice, but I had a similar situation with my brother. Wedding venue wasn't a hotel, so no option for DC to be looked after on-site. DC was 14 months old, hadn't started nursery, was still BF to sleep and had never spent an evening away from me before. My reluctance probably seemed really weird to DB and DSIL (where they live, childcare is routinely needed from a very young age due do crappy maternity leave). I ended up leaving DC with the babysitter for a couple of hours but rushing back as soon as possible and missing most of the do. Was massively stressful and expensive. Don't see what I could have done differently, though - missing a sibling's wedding wasn't an option for me. 😔Good luck, hope you find a better solution than I did!

User0311 · 02/09/2024 19:03

Omg I would be livid!! Cancel and don't go 100%

Getonwitit · 02/09/2024 19:05

Don't spend your money attending.

DodoTired · 02/09/2024 19:07

I had a childfree wedding in the UK - because of the UK rules about venue licensing which meant that every person in the ceremony/dining room including babes in arms was counted towards the limit of how many they may have, plus the cost.

however we of course made an exception for family members, AND babies, AND for those who travelled from overseas (in the end noone from overseas could come because of Covid).

so your brother is being very unreasonable. Probably will eat his hat once he has his own kids and understands what an asshole he was

FinallyPregnant23 · 02/09/2024 19:12

That’s awful of them. You’re spending all that money to attend their wedding, dragging your little kids halfway round the world for it, and they’re not even invited? I hate child free weddings, I think the people who have them are really miserable 🙈

Beansandneedles · 02/09/2024 19:14

Oh OP. Solidarity. Similar thing happened to me only I found out AT THE AIRPORT having already checked in and about to board. I was a FTM and my baby was only 4 months old. The idea of leaving him with a stranger more than approximately 10m away was just a no for me. I was also ebf. So basically said I'd be in the county and enjoy the holiday but would miss the wedding as I wasn't willing to do that. At which they 'found' a room at the venue so I could have a babysitter on site at the wedding and pop back whenever I wanted to. Was so frickin cheeky though and I was bloody miffed. Was a really big trip for us, haven't done anything anywhere like it since as could never afford it. They'd been asking us since before baby was born it we were able to come and if we'd be okay flying with him being so little etc. Never suggested it was a kid free wedding!! So for us to agree to go all that way and with such a tiny baby only to find out he wasn't even invited....grrr!!!!

Blueroses99 · 02/09/2024 19:14

Ask your DB to ask any friends with kids whether they would travel half way round the world and leave kids with strangers in a location 2 hours away from parents.

Agree that they will realise the folly of their request once they have their own kids but other parents in their circle may bluntly spell it out for them in the meantime.