To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Your parents can't be that old if you and your sibling still at home are in your 20s.

Perhaps your siblings with children might think you're taking advantage, still living at home?

My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick.
Have you not been locked down during some of that time?
What are these 'bugs' that have made them so ill they ended up in hospital several times? Was it Covid?

but if they are late 70s then maybe the siblings with kids need to make other arrangements (and perhaps you need to think about moving out too)
They must have been well in their 50s when they had the two youngest then samarrange.

Those who think the OP is taking advantage of her DPs what age do you think it becomes unacceptable to live with your parents? 18? 21?
The way house prices & rent have shot up in the last 20 odd years it’s now really unrealistic to expect dc to live independently before about 24-25! And even then for some in lower paid jobs it will be even longer!
I would rather mine (21,19,19) lived at home & saved for a deposit rather than pay extortionate rent. Many parents feel the same!

Why on earth would they think that, when they lived at home into their 30s??

When my youngest turns 25, DH and I will be 65.

But not late 70s?

To be fair the grandparents shouldn't be moaning to the OP who is upset by it. I think she should make this clear to her parents they either shut up or do something about it themselves.

To those that say the OP should move out be independent because that's the thing to do. I read threads on here where relationships break down and adult offspring end up back at mum and dad because it's financially necessary.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease

I honestly don't understand why people are getting so upset about people still living with theirs parents as adults?

My oldest daughter is nearly 24 and still lives at home. She pays rent, she pays for Sky TV and internet for us all and buys all her own food/toiletries/cleaning products.

She has been saving to move out for 3 years, she hasn't got very far because she has been holidaying 3+ times a year. I encourage this as she has the rest of her life to be bogged down by bills and stress and I want her to have experiences while she's young. I'm in no rush for her to move out and only feel exploited when I realise that she's not washed up or done any housework for a week!

My younger daughter is 17 and has autism. She might never move out. This isn't a problem either.

For what it's worth, I left home at 17

I would bet money that most of the bitter people on this thread are going to still be waiting on their kids well into adulthood

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease do ignore all the people saying you are selfish for living with your parents. I am your parents age and have been more than happy to have my dc stay with me while they save and get to the point where they can afford to buy. The same is true of my friends. It depends upon how considerate the children are I guess and their lifestyles. I'm sure they enjoy your company and being a close and loving family.
I can't offer any solution to them babysitting their grandchildren if they won't tell your siblings they can't do it any more. The expectation that if you do it for the eldest you have to do it til the youngest goes to school is unrealistic. As they get older they are naturally more tired and more susceptible to illnesses but all you can do is try to persuade them to tell your siblings the hard truth.

So sorry I quoted on a post that you had replied rather than to the poster that wrote it.
Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy
They said parents don't want to live with their children forever.
Which is utter bull because not all parents want their kids gone away from home.

Complaining about your dp being "used" for childcare at the same time as allowing them to financially support you is a bit rich.

I'd hazard a guess that your dp (like most dp) want to support all their dc and are doing their best to do so.

Unless your dp are particularly elderly and vulnerable (which seems unlikely considering their dc's age) then it's really their business and not yours.

OP pays rent, is not supported by her parents, is out of the house the whole day and is making a plan to move out. Not comparable to looking after 4 horrible children 4 times a week.

I personally am not keen on my adult kids living with me as we don't have room, but I can put up with it in a CoL crisis. I definitely do not want to provide regular childcare though

@Stompythedinosaur The OP is much younger than these siblings. They stayed at home until years older than she is now, received gifted deposits AND now wany childcare.

So OP has no cheek at all.

What can you change?

If 1-3 year olds & a 7 year old are hitting, swearing & having lots of tantrums that would be very exhausting.

I suggest chatting with your parents about putting some rules & consequences in place to improve these issues. It would take consistency & time but the kids learn what behaviour is acceptable at different places. I doubt the 7 year old does this at school! Also, think about these behaviours. Are the kids bored? Do they have enough (or too many) toys or activities? Do they have outside play or are they stuck inside?

I am wondering what your SILs think about how their children treat their cousins & each other?

I don't mean this in a nasty way but your parents need to grow a backbone. Tell your siblings they can only do one day of childcare and they can use family on the other side to cover the extra days. If the other grandparents won't then it's your siblings problem.
What were they doing for childcare when they stopped your parents from seeing the kids for 6/7 weeks?
I'm willing to bet if your parents stayed strong your siblings would soon decide one day of childcare is better than zero.
Or you could ask your siblings why they are selfish cunts.
Or your parents could just refuse to see the grandchildren who sound like brats anyway.

I'm sorry but you complaining about bugs being brought to the house and how you have to take annual leave etc is ridiculous, if you're not happy then move out? I don't agree with some of the behaviours you've claimed your siblings display but you're using your parents for free/heavily subsidised housing because you can't afford a mortgage but maybe you're siblings are using your parents for free childcare because they can't afford hefty nursery fees? Sounds like you're all exploiting tbh.

Yet your entire post is about calling your siblings bad people for using family as childcare when your parents are the ones pretending they're happy to have them.

Cancel the cheque.

OP shouldn't moan about her parents grandchildren coming over then. Grandparents expect to have a close relationship with grandchildren. They don't expect all of their kids to stay well into adulthood.

@RunningThroughMyHead it's like you're purposely ignoring the things I've said?

I'm so, so happy we ALL have a close relationship with the grandchildren. What I don't like is my parents being run down and exhausted by being used as free childcare 2/3 days a week to three young children when they can't cope.

Grandparents expect to have a close relationship with grandchildren.

So close that the parents threaten to cut off the grandparents when they don't conform exactly to their childcare schedule, and don't give a fuck if the grandparents are hospitalised beyond the inconvenience to them?
Yeah, super close and loving.

It's entirely normal for young adults in their twenties to still live at home while they complete their studies/training and save for a deposit. As long as they're considerate and pull their weight, and the parents are happy, it's a total non-issue.

So why aren't you helping them, given you get free accommodation? Instead of moaning, help! If you ever have children, you'll understand how hard it is. A little family support goes a long way. You seem to be fine with taking and not so happy to give.

@RunningThroughMyHead again, you've not read the thread. I help as much as I physically can while also working, and training and studying. I can't help with the childcare as I work.

If you ever have children, you'll understand how hard it is. A little family support goes a long way.

If you have children, you've made a choice. If your parents are kind enough to willingly undertake childcare then marvelous, but if anyone is emotionally blackmailling their struggling parents into caring for their children then that's shitty, entitled behaviour and that is what this thread is about.

Yes, your parents are being taken advantage of by all 4 of their children!

I think, OP, that you have a DM and DF problem.

They are freely undertaking to provide childcare. However unwise it is and however much you disapprove, it is their choice. It is perfectly normal for GPs to provide childcare for GCs and they evidently want to. You need to respect their decisions.

Now, it's totally unreasonable of them to do this and moan dramatically about it to you. It is obviously causing you anguish. The next time one of them starts to say negative things interrupt with Dear M/F, you could say 'no' at any time to this arrangement. You know my feelings. I can't help in any way when you are agreeing to do this

Ultimately, it is their house and you have to respect their decisions when you are living in it. If you can't make peace with the whole thing, your only option is to move out I'm afraid.

Good luck.

Your parents do need to set clearer boundaries with your other siblings depending on what they are happy with. If they are worried about losing contact, then perhaps they should suggest that one of your siblings have all four children for the day and see how tiring it can be for them.
Alternatively why don't your brothers club together to get a nanny or a childminder on those days. The 7 year old can surely go to after school club.
I think you will get caught in the middle if you try and help. The conversation needs to be had with your parents and siblings.
I for one think that that are CF, entitled and very inconsiderate and can complete understand your concerns.