To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

What a nasty, vitriolic post. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Honestly I think you should keep your nose out of this. I don't think it's exploitative to accept childcare from grandparents. They are inconsiderate in sending them when they are poorly, and they should be more accommodating to your parent's holidays etc but it isn't really your place to get involved in the dynamic that they have.

If you are genuinely concerned about their health and don't think your parents will have a firm conversation, then speak with your siblings directly about it. Be prepared to be told to mind your own business though.

Not all parents think or behave that way.
The parent's are clearly happy having them there.

Would you not be "quite snippy" if you'd been responded to in the way some posters have to the OP?

And? It's not you being asked to do it, is it?

@Icecreamandcoffee I agree that nursery fees torpedo your lifestyle unless you’ve very well off. We didn’t live close to family when ours were little so we paid for all the childcare. It was a lean time. The OP’s brothers probably wouldn’t be able to have their three-week holiday in October if they didn’t have help, for example. Their parents’ health is more important than holidays though.

Nonsense, you're comparing apples with oranges. Just because your DH's family is like doesn't mean a thing.

Did you miss the part where these two brothers continued to live at home into their 30s and now they want free childcare on top??

When so many people are having pops at her, is it surprising?!!

It's nothing to you whether or not she's in rental accommodation. What a mindset. As I said upthread I am happy to have mine living at home for as long as they need to. Renting is a waste of money when we have perfectly good facilities at home, and they can save.

Don't be daft!!

Unless your parents are prepared to say they don't want to do as much childcare and stick to it, there's not much you can do. It doesn't sound like speaking to your siblings is going to make any difference. It's up to your parents to stand up for themselves and say they can't do it any more. And yes that sadly may mean that they don't get to see their grandchildren.

FWIW I don't think grandparents should ever be used as childcare by any of their offspring unless its an emergency.

I can agree with you on that. My kids who are nowhere near in the zone of having children, know that, and agree that they wouldn't expect it of us.

However, I have to take issue with this statement:

I'm just playing devil's advocate as your siblings may be as frustrated by your living arrangements as you are by what they are doing.

They would have a fucking cheek if so, seeing as they lived at home into their 30s!!

Do you think these parents are going to be fit to mind children for their 25 year old daughter when she becomes a parent? I think not!

ETA - I forgot about the large house deposits!!! How dare those men be "frustrated" by anything?!

How mature were you when you were 25?

Anyway, I don't agree with you. I think the OP is rightly showing annoyance - I don't construe that as immaturity!

It's clearly not about the cost - though that amount of childminding must mean considerable savings - did you read the OP's posts at all? She is concerned about her parents' health! Not everything is about money you know!

I'm actually baffled that so many posters think it's ok to have as many children as they decide and then fuck them out in the street when they turn 18! I don't know anyone like this IRL!

Total misrepresentation. The OP's main concern is with her parents.

That's just a load of crap, without foundation.

"why you think you being at home for an indeterminate spell is less of a burden on your parents than caring for the DGC" - if you really think that having adult DC living at home compares in any way to caring for 4 young active children, then I despair!

Why jump in and post that when you literally have no idea what the circumstances around this are?

BTW you're wrong anyway!

Really.... wow.

Not like this they aren't!!

Pay no heed to the naysayers @NeedSomeAnswersPlease. They don't know what they are talking about.

OP, that sounds really odd coming from a GP. What 'bugs' in particular do they think are having this cumulative effect on you? Adults who are not immuno-compromised do not have this problem. I say this as someone with a chronic illness caused by a viral infection, but I was unlucky. People who work in health and education catch things more frequently, but aren't necessarily written off the way you are claiming to be. You're only exposed to 3 or 4 children.

@GaryLurcher19 I seem to have some sort of disposition to getting awful sinus infections, the doctor's best guess is that once one of those infections takes hold my body just struggles for all of winter with it, there's nothing else concerning them at all

Surely that is concerning? A 25 year old shouldn't be experiencing that. How does your GP think primary school teachers survive?

I don't understand what you mean?

I've always had dodgy sinuses, that's why I've been referred. They genuinely don't think it's anything other than recurring infections 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then I must gently suggest you demand a bit more urgency from the GP. They appear to be brushing you off with vague and unscientific statements about 'bugs' causing your body to 'struggle' and suggesting that that is normal. It is not.